Favourite Jokes Part 5

[LaoZhang]

As the saying goes, God Is Great, Read on.

The Harley-Davidson Facts



The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3.. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much


4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[TML]

walau...ah...damn funny...:p

[shiruikage]

Shit: Through the Eyes of the Military
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good shit."
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great shit."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of shit is this?"

[LaoZhang]

A Husband and Wife, Both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them, Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a " Twelve pound nugget of gold".

The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown. When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.

The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown:

Reporter : Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown : Oh! Yes.
Reporter : Is he in?
Mrs. Brown : Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter : Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?

Mrs. Brown : (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter : Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown : I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.
Reporter : Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown : No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter : How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown : Just for about ten months.
Reporter : Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown : Quite so...
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown : Not yet, but he is coming near...
Reporter : At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?

Mrs. Brown : Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter : Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown : You bet... and how he perspires.
Reporter : Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown : He thought he was...

Reporter : How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown : I am in a good position to say so, because I own the place.

Reporter : Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown : No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent.

Reporter : Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, I work under him...
Reporter : When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown : I think not because he enjoys working on it.

Reporter : Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy :-)

The Reporter fainted!

[shiruikage]

a woman with a sense of humour! that's rare!!!

[h2o]

a woman with a sense of humour! that's rare!!!

nolah that wasn't humour, she was a bimbo - she didn't get it

[shiruikage]

oh she got the joke...hahahah!

[h2o]

Married Couple Wish

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary=2 0II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! ...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

[Fishingman]

Married Couple Wish

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary=2 0II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! ...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

Next time sit down and write everything out in black & white before you present the fairy your wish. :noworry:

[LaoZhang]

---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

-----------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
-----------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

-----------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

-----------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

-----------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

-----------------------------------
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well, she's there..

[LaoZhang]

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do
both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?

[LaoZhang]

Story 1*
Ah Lian ask shopkeeper: Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?
Ah Chek : Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee'(breast) one. *

Story 2*
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. 'This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!'
'Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!' said Ah Lian.
'Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!.'
So Ah Lian said, 'Let me try! I wan, I wan!'
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the & accelerator.
The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
'Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah!
Wah Piang eh!' screamed Ah Beng.
'Solee, solee, pai sei lah! No lah, I tot hor, 'R' for racing mah!'* *


Story 3*
The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats.
So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.
To the British he said. 'You must act like gentlemen.' They jumped.
To the Americans he said, 'You can be heroes.' They complied.
To the Germans he said, 'It'! s the ru le.' They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said,' It's the consensus.' They obliged.
Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: 'Free life jackets for those who jumped.' *


Story 4*
3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army supply base to collect underwear. The sergeant was there to aid the supplies.
Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwear you need ah?
Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)!
Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?
Ah! Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.
Sergeant: ( Mala y recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear?
Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargent
Sergeant: (curious) How come six?
Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.
Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwears dah dei?
Tambi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!
Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why you need so many for?
Tambi: January, February, March.....One month one. *


Story 5*
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song 'Ah Cheng Buey RoTi' (In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were very angry and kicked up a bigfuss, claiming the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally, after long talk with Ah Bengs, the manager found out that Ah Bengs actually asking for the song 'Unchained Melody' by the Righteous Brothers. *


Story 6*
One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and want to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G mean. Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, 'Wah low!!!, how you know one?' The first Ah Lian reply smugly, 'Easy lah.. G for Gero mah...' *


Story 7*
Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated from Law school and decided to apply for a job in the most prestigious 'Lee & Lee Law Firm'
During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and said, 'Well, I would need to discuss your application with my wife.'
And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife. Lee KY's wife said, 'C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!'
So Lee ! KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.
Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for another interview and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire.......'
when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just changed my name.
Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, 'What is your new name then?'
On this, Santa Singh replied, 'Surname Lee, Last name, Manga!' (Manga-Lee)

[h2o]

The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a cent to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

"Thirdly, "the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

And then the lawyer said, "So, if I don't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[datokuan]

I really miss my old Indian English teacher.........but certainly not Mr Patrick....

http://www.snotr.com/video/2165

[Oddfather]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a longtime.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get
married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversations regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject
of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses,
leaned over towards her and whispered,

'Is that one word or two?'

[LaoZhang]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.

A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up. He marched to
the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,"Is something wrong?"

To which the ferocious Singh replied, " There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

==========================

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America . A lady came asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, " No, I am Banta Singh."

Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"

Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" The other Singh was a lot more
educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."

The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"

=====================================

A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T"
2. How many seconds are in a year?

The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today andTomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."

Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
=====================================
Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.

Jasmeet: "What are you searching for?"
Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching the Star World channel'. How does he know that?"

======================================
Having lost his donkey a Singh, got down to his knees and started thanking God.

A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"
The Singh replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

====================================

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.
He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief' ."

================================================
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid ? "
First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."

=======================================
A Singh goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, "Mr. Singh, what are you doing?"
To this the man replies,"Oye, see the board here, " Wash Basin".

[JC]

http://www.picshag.com/pics/122009/why-men-shouldnt-write-advice-columns.jpg

[LaoZhang]

From Heaven to Hell

Rafidah, Shahrizat & Jean Abdullah meet GOD on Judgement Day. GOD says 'I understand all of you are from Malaysia , which to the Bumis, is also
known as 'heaven-on-earth'. Here too you all shall be treated according to status. You shall meet the who's who of the Malaysian cream of the crop.
You can see two giant gates over there. On one is stated Bumi & the other Non-Bumi. Just go to the respective gates & mention your name. BUT
remember, should your claim turns out to be false, you shall be condemned to the tortures of hell for all eternity and lose any chance of
redemption whatsoever.'

Jean goes over first. She stands outside the Bumi gate and mentions her name. The digital display flashes 'DLL' (dan lain lain) and a ear- piercing
alarm rings out. The gate opens to reveal a chamber of raging fire of intense heat. 'Welcome to hell' booms a burly turbaned Sikh as he pulls her
in. His name tag reads as Irwan Shah Abdullah@DJ Dave@Sukhdave Singh.

Rafidah & Shahrizat are caught by surprise but smile at each other knowingly.

Next goes Shahrizat. She too stands outside the Bumi gate & mentions
her name. The digital display screen flashes 'MAMAK' and another ear-piercing alarm triggers. The gate opens to reveal an icy cold chamber way
below freezing point. 'Welcome home, I'm Mamoothy', says a sarcastic voice who's name tag reads as Mahathir s/o Mohideen Kutty.

Rafidah who is very sure of qualifying, walks over haughtily to the gate which she feels is her birth-right. Just as she mentions her name, the
digital display flashes 'INDIAN' .There is a thunderous flash and the gate opens to reveal a pot-bellied figure with a trident in hand & nothing
else on except a wig. A familiar voice rings out 'Selamat datang Paduka, Kemaluan saya amat besar, tetapi walaubagaimana pun.......'.He can't go
on as he is salivating and panting heavily. She is too shocked for words and turns around in time to hear GOD say just before the gate closes
forever

'Your particulars in our record shows your middle name to be AP instead of binti.....'

[LaoZhang]

Three Nuns Were Attending A Rugby Final..

Three Men Were Sitting Directly Behind..

Because Their Habits Were Partially Blocking The View, The Men Decided To Badger The Nuns Hoping That They'd Get Annoyed Enough To Move To Another Area..


In A Very Loud Voice, The First Guy Said, "i Think I'm Going To Move To Sydney... There Are Only 100 Nuns Living There.."

Then The Second Guy Spoke Up And Said, "i Want To Go To Tasmania... There Are Only 50 Nuns Living There.."


The Third Guy Said, "i Want To Go To New Zealand... There Are Only 25 Nuns Living There..."


One Of The Nuns Turned Around, Looked At The Men, And In A Very Sweet And Calm Voice Said,


"why Don't You Go To Hell .. There Aren't Any Nuns There!"

[LaoZhang]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no ! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do ?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do ? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank goodness you are here! Tell me what happened !

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes ! But what happened then ?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And ?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do ?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister ?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

:laugh::laugh:

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

HAVE A BLESSED DAY !

[LaoZhang]

Men and women on earth die and go to heaven. God comes and says: -

"I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."

Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines.

The line for the men who were controlled by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one man. God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!" "Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[h2o]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public toilet door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although mobile phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many tonnes of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat while I'm filling the tank.

I no longer use Glad Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from Australia Post, TNT Couriers or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy fuel from certain petrol companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the white tail spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 pm tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . ..

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[kwimango]

Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.

Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with

Control \kon-trol’\: A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \i-klips’\: what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i’-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee’-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left’ bangk’\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis’-tee\: How golfers create divots

Paradox \par’-u-doks\: two physicians

Parasites \par’-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm’-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm

Polarize \po’-lur-ize\: what penguins see with

Primate \pri’-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef’\: what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub’-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress \seem’-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish \sel’-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood’\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood’-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official

[Voon Chan]

An elderly couple was watching TV when a TV evangelist came on air to
pray for the sick.
The evangelist said... "For those of you who are sick, I want to pray
with you so that you can be cured of your sickness. Place your right
hand on the part of your body that is suffering from disorder, and
raise your left hand."
The husband placed his right hand on his privates, raised his left
hand, and closed his eyes.
His wife saw what he did, and slowly whispered...
"Honey, this prayer is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!"

[LaoZhang]

WHAT IS YOUR IQ?

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, if you please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing , the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh.....'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e

y-o-u-r

p-e-o-p-l-e

g-o-i-n-g

t-o

e-l-e-c-t

U-M-N-O

a-g-a-i-n?"

[Oddfather]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHiqVygN-w0&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHiqVygN-w0&feature=player_embedded)
This is funny. Dun know where else to post this....

[LaoZhang]

A friend was in front of me coming out of church, and the preacher was
standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by
the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas
and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I am in the secret service."



** ** **

HID HIM DURING THE WAR

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to
confess, so he went to his priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my
attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

** ** **

CHURCH FOR THIS DRUNK

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday
sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he
finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover
and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an
example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven,
please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a
place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part, groggily stands up, only to find
that he is the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we are voting on,
Father, but it sure seems like you and I are the only ones standing for it!"

** ** **


A VERY FAITHFUL WOMAN

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking
about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at
her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her
some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I
NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!"

The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and saw a large bag of
groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

The neighbour jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was
no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and
said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil
pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

[kwimango]

http://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/tdomf/129262/Farts.jpg

[h2o]

WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18.
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN
ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '

[datokuan]

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'


So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

[cxtreme]

taken off somewhere else

http://laughingsquid.com/wp-content/uploads/hey-jude-flow-chart-20091029-133742.jpg

[cxtreme]

another one...

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kojs29L9OU1qzd1jno1_r2_500.jpg

[h2o]

A few good Senior Moments

An elderly gentleman......
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking..
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical check-up.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[LaoZhang]

LOL !!

A laughter a day keeps the doctor away.

H2O, your posting give me enough laughters for a week and a bit more. Thank you. ...:laugh:

[h2o]

LOL !!

A laughter a day keeps the doctor away.

H2O, your posting give me enough laughters for a week and a bit more. Thank you. ...:laugh:

ha! you can laugh but with loss of memory, poor hearing and creaky joints, i feel like it's the story of my life lah!!!!! :confused:

[LaoZhang]

:laugh:ha! you can laugh but with loss of memory, poor hearing and creaky joints, i feel like it's the story of my life lah!!!!! :confused:

That's precisely the reason why I laughed so much... cos' I can identify with the stories! :laugh:

Sure or not H2O? I saw earlier postings of your trip to Japan and you look like a high school girl on vacation ! Surely you can't have aged so rapidly over the last year or so ? :confused:

[natalie]

A man came home from work and his children ran to
him and called out ‘Ayah! Ayah!’.
His neighbor got very upset and said to him,
“Can you please tell your children not to call you ‘Ayah’?”

The man asked, “Why?” The neighbor retorted,
“Because my children call me ’Ayah’ too.
They might get confused and mistaken you to be
their father... :blink:

[Chris C]

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
A Lion
A Chimp
A Giraffe
.....AND...
A Squirrel


They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.


Who do you guess will win?


Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . ..
Try and answer within 30 seconds.Got your answer?


Anyone wanna try this out?:D

[LaoZhang]

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
A Lion
A Chimp
A Giraffe
.....AND...
A Squirrel


They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.


Who do you guess will win?


Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . ..
Try and answer within 30 seconds.Got your answer?


Anyone wanna try this out?:D


Eh, Sis Chris, you can try this one on a below 5 kid.. but not on an above 50 LZ lah :laugh::laugh:

[Chris C]

Eh, Sis Chris, you can try this one on a below 5 kid.. but not on an above 50 LZ lah :laugh::laugh:

:p....what's your answer then?

[LaoZhang]

Can you can pluck cononuts from a banana tree or is it vice versa?

[Chris C]

Can you can pluck cononuts from a banana tree or is it vice versa?

:laugh:.....cleber....:p

[h2o]

http://funzu.com/index.php/crazy-pics/crime-and-punishment-07042010.html

[h2o]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

[h2o]

Personal ads are basically totally awesome

I saw this ad:

Pretty and level headed seeking man to match wits and develop a friendship with that leads to sultry evenings or afternoons.
Likes: left leaning, intelligence, conversation, curiousity, creativity, financial security.
Dislikes: smoking, heavy drinking, quickies and whiners.
I am safe, discreet and looking for a quality person between 35-45.

My response:

Rarely in our lives do we have the opportunity to meet someone who seems "perfect" for us but I believe you and I have happened upon just such an occasion.

What makes us perfect for one another?

- I am 40 years old, precisely between 35-45
- I am a former spy - discretion is my game.
- I was heavily mutilated and castrated in a foreign prison, so have no fear about "quickies".
- I am very intelligent and creative, also I am rich
- due to the aforementioned incident, my right leg is apx 2 inches longer than my left leg which causes me to lean to the left side when I stand still.
- I have always felt skull deformities were a huge turn on. My ex-wife was a native american whose skull was misshapen due to being carried via papoose in her childhood, you being "level-headed" is very very attractive to me. No need to be self-conscious and I appreciate your honesty about your birth defect.

Thank you very much for your attention and I look forward to meeting you soon.

[LaoZhang]

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for
my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said,

"Then why the F**k do you want to live to be 80?

[Oddfather]

Joe and John are close friends. One day Joe drop in to see John in his office and notice that John have a very beautiful Asian secretary:
Joe : "Your secretary is very sexy..."

John : "Ah, thanks Joe. It's actually a robot from Japan. I named it "Sweety." If you squeeze its right breast, it takes notes. If you squeeze its left breast, it types. I'll lend it to you for a day and you can see for yourself " said John. Joe agreed and excitedly took "sweety" home.

Early next day Joe called from hospital and shouted: "John! you BASTARD......!! You did not tell me Sweety's female organ is a pencil sharpener!!!!!!

[Oddfather]

Why football is played for 45 minutes in each half?
Those who thought of this must have lots of time
Why people play football for 45 minutes, not 30 minutes or 1 hour?
Even the sports scientist and some of the senior players could not give the right answer.
In that confusing situation one person came up with a reasonable answer.

He said......."The reason people play this game for 45 minutes is...

There are 2 teams and there are 11 players in each team.
Each player brings his own "2 balls"
So in total there are 44 balls.
There is one ball on the ground itself. Thus the grand total is 45.

Question Answered !!!

Sometimes there is extra time of 2 mins which is the referee's balls!

[LaoZhang]

John Murphy hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."


She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[LaoZhang]

A stranger was seated next to a 8-year old girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger 'How about nuclear power? and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet
a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit? :laugh::rolleyes:

[Oddfather]

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what . . .

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day !
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, " Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore ? "
She said " I love it but I have to stop eating it. "


"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there !"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are ! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too !"
.
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you ! You've already got the neck and the gizzards !

[fishboy]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says:
"Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband
comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea
and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is a sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says:
"Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk,
I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!

How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all;

it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"

[Oddfather]

Being a Hongky is good because...

1. We are Hongkies and not Chinese.
2. We can talk and shout and nobody gives a damn.
3. Jackie Chan is our icon.
4. We can live in a 5' x 5' cubicle and call it luxury apartment. We even need to pay $10,000 a month for this cubicle.
5. Our children can speak Cantonese at a young age.
6. We get to blame everything on Feng Shui or the mainland communists.
7. Gambling is more interesting than sex. Macau is the place to go for thrills!
8. We produce a lot of Miss Hong Kong to the enjoyment of the rich and famous.



We love being Singaporean because..

1. We are not Malaysians.
2. Everyone (especially Malaysians) hates us, except ourselves.
3. Famous for Orchard Road and we love Geylang. Geylang is the place to go for thrills!
4. We have our own island.
5. We will never ever have yucky chewing gum stuck under our shoes.
6. We know how to enjoy our vacation in Malaysia - keep a few RM50 notes before you enter the highway: You can speed and throw anything, anytime, anywhere.
7. We can speed up to 180 kilometers per hour on Malaysian roads and not end up with a summon as long as we have RM50 with us to pay the traffic cops when caught.
8. The men are always concerned, first question to ask a girl 'Do you have CPF?'
9. Never fear of getting lost in our country - S$20 taxi ride will get you into the sea. Hahaha!
10. We never have to worry about finding Mr or Ms right because the government will find one for us.
11. 1 Singapore dollar = 2.5 Ringgit... nyek nyek nyek.
12. It's OK to be 'Kiasu'. It's part of our culture.


Top reasons for being Indonesian are as follow...

1. We are not Australian.
2. We live in the biggest country in South East Asia .
3. No pirates in Indonesia water if you exclude the Navy and Coast guards.
4. Everything is cheap, even our salaries...
5. We can blame everything to Suharto or BJ Habibie or Gus Dur or Megawati or who's next?
6. Only in Indonesia you can get involved in real demonstrations daily for different causes and see no results.
7. Our Rupiah is like a Yo Yo, it can go up and down just because IMF say so...
8. We burn everything and nobody gives a damn. We cause haze all over the South East Asia and nobody can do a thing... nyek nyek nyek.
9. We do not need fire fighters as our neighbours will provide...


Being a Malaysian is the best because...

1. World tallest twin towers, Best F1 circuit, largest roti canai, most expensive toll rates, because Malaysia Boleh!
2. We can be driving, picking our nose, cursing another driver, talking on the handphone, adjusting the radio and bribing the traffic police at the same time.
3. We can get a divorce by sending just an SMS.
4. Traffic summons can be settled on the spot with the traffic police.
5. We can have Teh Tarik & Roti Canai on the Russian space ship.
6. We can save a lot of electricity because our TV shows are so crappy.
7. We can blame everything on the haze or George Soros or government or the opposition parties or...
8. Resourceful City Council, one person to drive the van, one to carry the ladder, one to change a street's bulb and three others watching...
9. Most drivers can make 2 lane trunk roads into 3 lane highway and back to 2 lanes when police are sighted
10. There's always something for the JKR/TNB/TALIKOM/SYABAS to do. They dig, resurface the road, dig and resurface...and blame each other for bad co-ordination.
11. All main roads are designated highway because it gives Samy Velu a reason to collect toll.
12. Our government can never be wrong or dishonest.
13. Our badminton players are paid only RM35,000 when they win a major international tournament which is very cheap compared to David Beckham.
14. You can easily get a divorce and marry a young singer you like.
15. We can even use C4 explosives to bombard Gengkis Khan or Kublai Khan's great grandchildren.
16. We have more water than Singapore .... nyek nyek nyek.
17. If you have no money you can always snatch other peoples' money since police can't do much to help.
18. If you are a police, doesn't matter about the traffic rules, its for citizens only
19. If you are a policeman outrider you can kick and bang peoples' cars.
20. If you drive a police car, you can speed because speed limits only apply to citizens.
21. You can settle your summons with big discount during “Sales Malaysia”.
22. All motor riders can join the recognized & supported Mat Rempit club for free and can beat up anybody in their way and can even throw stones at the police station anytime they like.
23. If you got nothing to do join the rela and go to the kongsi gelap and extort monies from all the foreign workers.
24. You can rape people and blame them for wearing very little.
25. You don’t need to bother about the poor when you race in your F1.
26. You can keep your money and get a free degree when you have 'connections'.
27. You can get work done with 2 hours lunch break, 2 hours tea break, 2 hours with god and the rest of the time attending meetings.
28. You get free bumi status even if you swim from Indonesia.
29. You can change your sworn Statutory Declaration anytime.
30. You can be a pedophile by “marrying” your young bride.
31 . A country so free to do things you like. Tell me which country is like ours.