Favourite Jokes Part 4

[Chris C]

What's your comment? :D

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a213/chan66/DSC00040-1.jpg

[alfred98]

Hahaha...For wife, the list is just too short!!!!!:laugh:

[Ah Boh]

i saw that at T-cafe... coudnt stop giggling like a fool... hehe...

[Ah Boh]

My friend Don and his wife had once discovered a bat in their bedroom after they left a window open. Don went after it with a broom, sending the creature into a frenzy surpassed only by that of Don's wife, who ran around the room screaming. Ten minutes after he drove the bat out of the house, a police cruiser pulled up in front. Apparently the neighbors had noticed the bedroom-window silhouette of a man swinging a broom—and the sounds of a woman screaming and Don shouting, "Get out of here, you old bat!" Someone called in a report of domestic violence, and Don spent an embarrassing few minutes explaining that his wife was not the bat in question.

[laineyee]

My friend Don and his wife had once discovered a bat in their bedroom after they left a window open. Don went after it with a broom, sending the creature into a frenzy surpassed only by that of Don's wife, who ran around the room screaming. Ten minutes after he drove the bat out of the house, a police cruiser pulled up in front. Apparently the neighbors had noticed the bedroom-window silhouette of a man swinging a broom—and the sounds of a woman screaming and Don shouting, "Get out of here, you old bat!" Someone called in a report of domestic violence, and Don spent an embarrassing few minutes explaining that his wife was not the bat in question.

:eek: :laugh:

[PreciousPearl]

From some hoax adverts for the British armed forces

JOIN THE ARMY! Visit interesting places and then bomb them!
JOIN THE AIR FORCE! Fly to interesting places and then bomb them!
JOIN THE NAVY! Sail to interesting places and torpedo them!

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[KoChun]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

[jerrychoo2004]

- Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
- There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to
live
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
- There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
- The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2.
Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
- Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
- Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
- Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING
# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

# Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

# Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

# Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

# Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

# Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

# Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

# Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

[WitchKing]

........you can be sure that Jane again missed the treevine and grabbed the nearing dangling thing she saw.

[Chris C]

........you can be sure that Jane again missed the treevine and grabbed the nearing dangling thing she saw.

:laugh: ....notti....

[KoChun]

........you can be sure that Jane again missed the treevine and grabbed the nearing dangling thing she saw.

Damn, this one is good. :laugh: :laugh:

[Fishingman]

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that
he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring
over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The
mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess
which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

[Fishingman]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500". The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that *beep* again, you're in my closet now."

[Fishingman]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where the activity's for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't talk very well but she could write notes fairly well when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the right and some family members grabbed her and straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later she started leaning off to her left and again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillow case around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma, you're looking good, how are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

[Fishingman]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra.'
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[datokuan]

........you can be sure that Jane again missed the treevine and grabbed the nearing dangling thing she saw.

where got notti.... jus original..... and true story lar..... u try and c... sure get the same effect!

[Fishingman]

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it
doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?

A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito
enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan
removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

[Fishingman]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday
and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked,
and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty,
and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting
by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently
and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it,
constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did
as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire,
he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then, she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired !"

[jerrychoo2004]

The old lady and her condom


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted

[lychee]

The old lady and her condom


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted

I'd read this many moons ago in our local paper but it still cracks me up. :laugh:

[dcrusader]

I'd read this many moons ago in our local paper but it still cracks me up. :laugh:
i heard too that no one wines and dines camels over there in ME nowadays....:)

[andrewjpan]

THE BEER PRAYER

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be Thy drink,

Thy will be drunk,

(I will be drunk),

At home as I am in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us,

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers,

For thine is the beer,

The bitter and the lager,

Forever and ever,

Barmen.

[lychee]

THE BEER PRAYER

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be Thy drink,

Thy will be drunk,

(I will be drunk),

At home as I am in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us,

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers,

For thine is the beer,

The bitter and the lager,

Forever and ever,

Barmen.

Cut and add plagiarism? You have to answer to your Creator. :eek:
Funny, funny. :laugh:

[dcrusader]

THE BEER PRAYER

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be Thy drink,

Thy will be drunk,

(I will be drunk),

At home as I am in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us,

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers,

For thine is the beer,

The bitter and the lager,

Forever and ever,

Barmen.

profanity and blasphemy...but funny still....

[WitchKing]

*1. Kalau perempuan tanya : Lawa ke budak pompuan tu?
Makna tersembunyi : Siapa yang paling lawa? I ke, budak
pompuan tu?
*
2. Kalau perempuan tanya : You dah makan ke belum?
Makna tersembunyi : Jom pi makan. Lapar ni!

3. Kalau perempuan kata : Lawa-lawa la baju kat sini,
yek. Makna tersembunyi : Belikanlah untuk I.

4. Kalau perempuan kata : Rasa macam nak pening la.
Makna tersembunyi : Tolong picit kepala.

5. Kalau perempuan kata : Letihnya hari ni. Mana nak
masak, basuh kain-baju lagi... Makna tersembunyi : Kita
makan kat luar jelah. Lepas tu, tolong basuh kain-baju
sekali, yek.

6. Kalau perempuan kata : Kita lebih sesuai berkawan
saja. Makna tersembunyi : I tak nak kat you. Tak
paham-paham ke?

7. Kalau perempuan kata : I suka berkawan dengan you.
You baik,memahami bla bla bla... Makna tersembunyi :
Hish... I rasa macam minat sesangat kat you la. Rasa
macam nak jadi awek you je.

8. Kalau perempuan tanya : You pernah tak teringatkan
awek you yang dulu? Makna tersembunyi : Kalau nak
gaduh, kalau berani sangat, sebut la nama dia depan
aku.

9. Kalau perempuan kata : I sanggup berkorban demi
kebahagiaan you. Makna tersembunyi : Amboi! Aku kena
berkorban. Habih, hangpa dua ekoq gak yang seronok.

10.Kalau perempuan kata : I tak kisah kalau memang
betul you nak kahwin lagi satu. Asalkan you
berterus-terang dengan I, bersikap jujur dan berlaku
adil. Makna tersembunyi : Sapa kata aku tak kisah? Adil
ke tak adil, aku tak kira! Langkah mayat aku dulu
sebelum nak menikah lagi satu. Ini cuma contoh saja.

[Fishingman]

*1. Kalau perempuan tanya : Lawa ke budak pompuan tu?
Makna tersembunyi : Siapa yang paling lawa? I ke, budak
pompuan tu?
*
2. Kalau perempuan tanya : You dah makan ke belum?
Makna tersembunyi : Jom pi makan. Lapar ni!

3. Kalau perempuan kata : Lawa-lawa la baju kat sini,
yek. Makna tersembunyi : Belikanlah untuk I.

4. Kalau perempuan kata : Rasa macam nak pening la.
Makna tersembunyi : Tolong picit kepala.

5. Kalau perempuan kata : Letihnya hari ni. Mana nak
masak, basuh kain-baju lagi... Makna tersembunyi : Kita
makan kat luar jelah. Lepas tu, tolong basuh kain-baju
sekali, yek.

6. Kalau perempuan kata : Kita lebih sesuai berkawan
saja. Makna tersembunyi : I tak nak kat you. Tak
paham-paham ke?

7. Kalau perempuan kata : I suka berkawan dengan you.
You baik,memahami bla bla bla... Makna tersembunyi :
Hish... I rasa macam minat sesangat kat you la. Rasa
macam nak jadi awek you je.

8. Kalau perempuan tanya : You pernah tak teringatkan
awek you yang dulu? Makna tersembunyi : Kalau nak
gaduh, kalau berani sangat, sebut la nama dia depan
aku.

9. Kalau perempuan kata : I sanggup berkorban demi
kebahagiaan you. Makna tersembunyi : Amboi! Aku kena
berkorban. Habih, hangpa dua ekoq gak yang seronok.

10.Kalau perempuan kata : I tak kisah kalau memang
betul you nak kahwin lagi satu. Asalkan you
berterus-terang dengan I, bersikap jujur dan berlaku
adil. Makna tersembunyi : Sapa kata aku tak kisah? Adil
ke tak adil, aku tak kira! Langkah mayat aku dulu
sebelum nak menikah lagi satu. Ini cuma contoh saja.





You thinking about it? :rolleyes:

[jerrychoo2004]

You thinking about it? :rolleyes:

i think he intend to do it

[jerrychoo2004]

Extending the pleasure


A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

[h2o]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFYcmZEOvW4

[shiruikage]

A father ask his 2 years old son what sound does animals make.

Father: What sound does a cat make?
Baby: Miou..
Father: Very good. Now, what sound does a cow make?
Baby: Mooo.
Father: Nice. Now what sound does a dog make?
Baby: Woof.
Father: Very good son. Now can you tell daddy what sound does Mommy make?
Baby: NoNoNo!

[WitchKing]

You thinking about it? :rolleyes:

i think he intend to do it

ish ishh ISSHHHHHHH.......!!!!!! Kalu I nak buat, I pasang EMPAT sekaligussss!!!!!!!!! ...ini baru megaproject.......lepas tuu siaplah MEGADEATH!!!!!!...'mati kekeringan'

[Ah Boh]

ish ishh ISSHHHHHHH.......!!!!!! Kalu I nak buat, I pasang EMPAT sekaligussss!!!!!!!!! ...ini baru megaproject.......lepas tuu siaplah MEGADEATH!!!!!!...'mati kekeringan'

dahsyatnya naz ni... :squeeze:

[Fishingman]

ish ishh ISSHHHHHHH.......!!!!!! Kalu I nak buat, I pasang EMPAT sekaligussss!!!!!!!!! ...ini baru megaproject.......lepas tuu siaplah MEGADEATH!!!!!!...'mati kekeringan'

Care to explain more on how the 'mati kekeringan' part come about? :p

[shiruikage]

Care to explain more on how the 'mati kekeringan' part come about? :p

saliva oso dry arguing with 4 wives! LOL!

[Fishingman]

saliva oso dry arguing with 4 wives! LOL!

Are you sure he was referring to saliva? :rolleyes:

[jerrychoo2004]

i know lots of u guys heard C-cup or D-cup, but do u really know what it is actually....well here is what my girlfren told me..

A: Almost Boobs

B: Barely Boobs

C: Can't Complain

D: DANG!

DD: DOUBLE DANG!

E: Enormous

F: Fake

G: Get A Reduction

[Ah Boh]

i know lots of u guys heard C-cup or D-cup, but do u really know what it is actually....well here is what my girlfren told me..

A: Almost Boobs

B: Barely Boobs

C: Can't Complain

D: DANG!

DD: DOUBLE DANG!

E: Enormous

F: Fake

G: Get A Reduction

LOL!! :laugh: serious ur gf told u this ah??

[Ah Boh]

Cheesy pickup lines

Use these lines at your discretion. They're good for a laugh, at the very least:


Am I dead, angel? Because this must be heaven.


I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Well, will you please start?


Is there an airport around here? Or is that my heart taking off?


Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knees falling for you.


Hello, Cupid called. He told me to tell you I need my heart back.


I must be a snowflake, because I'm falling for you.


You remind me of a parking ticket, because you've got fine written all over you.


Remember my name. You'll be screaming it later tonight.


I seem to have forgotten my phone number. Can I have yours?


Your father must've been a thief because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.


Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.


Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.


Are we related? Do you want to be?


I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.


Is it hot in here or is it just you?


Want to see my stamp collection?

[jerrychoo2004]

> AH BENG the Crazy Singaporean.
> Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
> Because below 18 not allowed Lah !
> -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
>
> Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
> Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"
> Salesgirl : "Yes !"
> Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "
> -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
>
> Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.
> He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age,
> Address etc.
> Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure
> of the question.
> After much thought, he writes " Yes "
> -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
>
> Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
> Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"
> Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
> Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"
> Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
> Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"
> The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask
> Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
> Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."
> Boss : "What does it do ?"
> Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
> Boss : "What do you have in it !?"
> Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"
> -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
>
> After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares
> it with the original for spelling mistakes.
> -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
>
> Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks
> his picture is being taken.
> -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
>
> Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?
> Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
> -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
>
> Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.
> When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help'
> command after some tries.
> Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer
> retailer for support.
> Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been
> over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!"
> -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
>
> Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
> The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he
> answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but
> instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it
> to my ear, lah" "Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ...
> what happened to the other ear ?"
> Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"
> -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
>
> Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
> Ah Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
> Taipei
> AND LAS VEGAS ?"
> Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
> Ah Beng : "THANK YOU , lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.
> -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
>
> After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for
> quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a
> friend.
> "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.
> "FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.
> "YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN
> FOR 4-7 YRS".
> -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
>
> At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the
> bartender,
> "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE"
> and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
> The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"
> Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"
>

[jerrychoo2004]

LOL!! :laugh: serious ur gf told u this ah??

well... :rolleyes:

[jerrychoo2004]

M: "Are you an Interior Decorator?"
W: "No. Why?"
M: "When I saw you enter, the room became beautiful"

-----------------------------------------------------
M: "Are you religious?"
W: "Yes "
M: "Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers."

--------------------------------------------------
M: "Baby, did you fart, Cause you blow me away..."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
M: "How is your fever?"
W: "What Fever?"
M: "Oh.. you just look so hot to me..."

----------------------------------------
M: "Wow! I didn't know that angels could fly so low!"

------------------------------------------------------

<this is a good one !

M: "Can I get a picture of you to prove to my friends that angels do
really
exist."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
M: "Wow! How did you do that???!!!"
W: "Do what?"
M: "Look so good..."


----------------------------------------------------
M: "Hey Laura!! (Big Hug), I haven't seen you FOREVER!!!! (Huge KISS)
Wow,
you've really have changed!!!
W: "Wait, I'm not Laura.."
M: "What? Oh my god, You even changed your name!!!

[jerrychoo2004]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a
very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over
to their table, gives the
husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks
away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who
was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a
divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband,
"but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to
Paris, no more wintering in
Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more
BMW in the garage and no more
yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant
with a gorgeous babe on his
arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[alfred98]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a
very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over
to their table, gives the
husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks
away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who
was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a
divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband,
"but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to
Paris, no more wintering in
Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more
BMW in the garage and no more
yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant
with a gorgeous babe on his
arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Real life one ah?????:weird:

[shiruikage]

i know lots of u guys heard C-cup or D-cup, but do u really know what it is actually....well here is what my girlfren told me..

A: Almost Boobs

B: Barely Boobs

C: Can't Complain

D: DANG!

DD: DOUBLE DANG!

E: Enormous

F: Fake

G: Get A Reduction

H: Hell hath no fury like a breast scorned.

[jerrychoo2004]

Joke 1*
Boy goes for Blood Test. Nurse takes the sample but can't
find cotton so she sucks his finger!
Boy is so happy he asks, Can I get a Urine Test also? *
*
*Joke 2*
Do u know why guys fart louder? Because in between his
legs, there is 1 microphone & 2 speakers. *
*
*Joke 3*
A wife asks hubby how many women he had slept with. Husband
proudly replies only u darling with others I was awake! *
*
*Joke 4*
A man ask doc. How to live longer?
Doct ask him : U smoke?
Ans: No
U drink?
Ans No.
U play mahjong?
Ans No
U like sex
Ans No
Then U want to live so long for what? *
*
*Joke 5*
A group of Ah-Beng want to go disco. Outside the disco
there is a notice, only 18 & above is allowed.
Ah-Beng: walau wey, there only 17 of us. *
*
*Joke 6*
Never argue with a Child! Very cute and funny!! The
children were line up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
watching". Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples." *
*
*Joke 7*
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated,
the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was
physically impossible. The girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask
JOnah.
The teacher asked, 'what if jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied,
then you ask him *
*
*Joke 8*
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
up and say, 'There;s Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael.
He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher. She's dead".

[jerrychoo2004]

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

[jerrychoo2004]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."

"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.

"Bring them as well" replied the lawyer.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."

[jerrychoo2004]

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
.................................................. ............................................

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
.................................................. ...........................................

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
.................................................. ...........................................

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
.................................................. ..............................................

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates,
then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
.................................................. ...................................

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

--------------------------------------------------

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

--------------------------------------------------

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

------------------------------------------

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

--------------------------------------------------

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

--------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful'
and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is
a sick eagle."

---------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"

[jerrychoo2004]

THE DEAF COLLECTOR

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting."

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000.
He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf signs in reply, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signs in reply, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

[jerrychoo2004]

A male whale and his girlfriend were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance. He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago.

So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents. She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.

So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back-and-forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the deck.

Finally the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the ocean. The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble up the sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away. So the male whale swims over to her, and asks her what is wrong.

She huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no way I'm going to swallow the seamen."

[jerrychoo2004]

A lady walks into a Porsche dealership.
She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.


As she turns back, there standing next to her was a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, and to try and draw attention away to what she has just done, she asks,

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when you hear the price!"

[jerrychoo2004]

Black Magic


An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"

[fishboy]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies "No, what do you mean"

She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean"

The Huge Man says: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office.

The smiling naked receptionist greets him: "May I help you?"

Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

Receptionist:"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."

Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

[fishboy]

An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets.So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying. The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation. While walking, the Scots man sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing. The guards let him in also. The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."

[Lava Gal]

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his
hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was
getting on in years. The farmer figured getting a new rooster
couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local
rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he
gets a little worried.

"So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've
got to do something about this."

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in
town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well
I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the
better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around
that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and
whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely
thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on,"
said the young rooster. "and since I know I'm so great, I'll even
give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy."

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race
with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and
all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap,
the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second
lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still
hanging in there.

Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time
around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the
young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He
runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn
yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he
gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen
house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.

He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the
young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself,

"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

[Ah Boh]

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up,
this should make things a little bit clearer.


@ PRISON
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
@ WORK
You spend the majority of your time
in a 6X6 cubicle /office.

@ PRISON
You get three meals a day fully paid for.
@ WORK
You get a break for one meal and
you have to pay for it.

@ PRISON
You get time off for good behavior.
@ WORK
You get more work for
good behavior.

@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
@ WORK
You must often carry a security card
and open all the doors for yourself.

@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games.
@ WORK
You could get fired for watching
TV and playing games.

@ PRISON
You get your own toilet.
@ WORK
You have to share the toilet with
some people who pee on the seat.

@ PRISON
They allow your family and friens to visit.
@ WORK
You aren't even supposed to speak
to your family.

@ PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
@ WORK
You get to pay all your expenses to go
to work, and they deduct taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners.

@ PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
@ WORK
You spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars.

@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens.
@ WORK
They are called managers.

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS E-MAIL.

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check e-mails.

[alfred98]

While walking down the street one day a Malaysian Boleh Minister is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really, I have made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Yang
Berhormat

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules," says St. Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front
of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in the finest batik there is. They run
to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they
had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly
game of golf and then indulge themselves on lobsters, caviar and the most
expensive food there is.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it' s time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the Yang Berhormat joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have
a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

The Yang Berhormat reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think Ai
yam better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the Yang Berhormat. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning
just like you during an election...... Today you voted."
VOTE WISELY
IN THE COMING ELECTION

[alfred98]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

[]


The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
[]


The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
[]


The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,'That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one

The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.':blink:

[]

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.:laugh:

[WitchKing]

Take note of your respective Rights Action Force (RAF) to make sure :


Indians - HINDRAF




Chinese - BANKDRAF




Malay - OVERDRAF

[WitchKing]

Samy Vellu called a press conference in light of the recent Chua Soi Lek sowing wild oats video. Apparently he cant stand being upstaged by this MCA minister and in light of the waning popularity of MIC with the general Indian populace he needs something, anything to boost his appeal....

Samy : 'Itu Soi Lek punya video saya puun bole buat...memang suda buat jugak...itu Vijandran belajar sama saya jugak...'

Press : 'errr....thats very brave of you to admit Dato'....b-but how come we havent seen this video 'on the market', as it were.'

Samy : '.......masa itu video bikin saya tarak pasang lampu......'

[Ah Boh]

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/Sejarahpg1.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/Sejarahpg2.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/Sejarahpg3.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/Sejarahpg4.jpg

[athena]

hahaha....dem...it's hilarious!!! i've got a coursemate from SFI..must tell him!

[Odysseus]

hahaha....dem...it's hilarious!!! i've got a coursemate from SFI..must tell him!
How I wish I tembak this way for questions I could not answer during school days.... Today, I can compile them into a book and sell :p

[WitchKing]

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/Sejarahpg1.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/Sejarahpg2.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/Sejarahpg3.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/Sejarahpg4.jpg
Ahhhh...thhis one I keep in my permanent file...itsa classic.

[cyning]

How I wish I tembak this way for questions I could not answer during school days.... Today, I can compile them into a book and sell :p

huh..wait...u nvr tembak lik dis b4? :confused:

[shiruikage]

One day, a man and his wife were captured by an international terrorist.

The terrorist is very, terrifying. Because he is a terrifying terrorist.

This terrorist is a sadist. He said to his two prisoners, "I see that you two love each other very much, so I will give you both a chance to go home, if you do exactly as I say. Not only that, if you were able to do it, I will not only let you off, I will even give you a bit ang pow, how about that!"

Hearing this, the man looked at his wife, and they both replied, "YES, we will do whatever you want us to do!"

The terrorist then ordered, "Now, I want you two to shit a pile of shit, and eat it!"

The couple without even thinking about it, really shit a pile of shit, and right before the terrorist, eat it completely. The terrorist is impressed, so he let them go, and even give them a big ang pow.

When the couple got home safely, the woman said to his husband, "Dear, I want a divorce."

The man was stunned, "Why?!"

The woman replied, "Because you don't love me enough."

The man countered, "Don't love you enough? Honey, I even ate shit for you!"

The woman then said, "Yes, but if you really loved me, you wouldn't shit such a big pile of sit for me to eat!":eek:

[fishboy]

The farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So he inserted his p****s into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line.

“Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?” “Don’t worry,” replied the customer service rep, “The machine will release automatically once its collected two gallons.”

[fishboy]

A blonde decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blonde replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”

[Zazu]

5 Bapa:

Abdul Rahman Putra Al-haj
“bapa Kemerdekaan”

Tun Abdul Razak Dato’ Hussein
“bapa Pembangunan”

Tun Hussein Dato’ Onn
“bapa Perpaduan”

Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad
“bapa Pemodenan”

Dato' Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi
"bapa Mertua Khairy"

[JC]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[shiruikage]

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He's skeptical, but says to himself, "Let's see what they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

[shiruikage]

http://www.funnyhub.com/pictures/img/cleavage-kitty.jpg
Puss in B***s.

[alfred98]

I can't help it Hahhhaahaahaa on the weight programme!!!

[WitchKing]

http://www.funnyhub.com/pictures/img/cleavage-kitty.jpg
Puss in B***s.

...now there's TWO of them....

[JC]

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3534791936101725686&hl=en

[shiruikage]

that moron is so stupid it ani't even funny anymore. LOL!

[Ah Boh]

hahaha....dem...it's hilarious!!! i've got a coursemate from SFI..must tell him!

How I wish I tembak this way for questions I could not answer during school days.... Today, I can compile them into a book and sell :p

Ahhhh...thhis one I keep in my permanent file...itsa classic.

professional crapper, dat one... he can crap the pants off any teacher! :laugh:

[Oddfather]

In 1960, the first topless bar in Malaysia opened in Jalan Chow Kit. The good news is it is still there......the bad news is the same girls are still working there.

[WitchKing]

In 1960, the first topless bar in Malaysia opened in Jalan Chow Kit. The good news is it is still there......the bad news is the same girls are still working there.


ISH IISHH ISHHHH....

......coba-AAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN.........anybody for dried shrimps ????

[Ah Boh]

In 1960, the first topless bar in Malaysia opened in Jalan Chow Kit. The good news is it is still there......the bad news is the same girls are still working there.

LOL!! short & funny, in just 2 sentences! :D

[KoChun]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he asks nervously.

“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend, then?” he continues.

“No, not at all!" She says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Is it your Dad or your brother?” he enquires, hoping to be re-assured.

“No, no, no!” she answers.

“Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands.

“That’s me before the surgery.” :laugh: :laugh:

[Fishingman]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he asks nervously.

“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend, then?” he continues.

“No, not at all!" She says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Is it your Dad or your brother?” he enquires, hoping to be re-assured.

“No, no, no!” she answers.

“Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands.

“That’s me before the surgery.” :laugh: :laugh:


:squeeze: :squeeze:

[fishboy]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

[fishboy]

Home Depot Scam

A "heads up" for you and any friends you have who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Again - please beware

[shiruikage]

Home Depot Scam

A "heads up" for you and any friends you have who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Again - please beware
so...so 'poor' this guy. i will protect him. i will go have my wallet stolen in his place!

[Fishingman]

so...so 'poor' this guy. i will protect him. i will go have my wallet stolen in his place!

Tesco don't have ah? So sad...:squeeze: :laugh:

[Oddfather]

Subject: My point exactly

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if

it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[shiruikage]

poor man...he's shooting blanks....while his wife playing hookies...lol!

[Oddfather]

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)












First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!






Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)











~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?


You're not very good at this, are you?




Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30 .... Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....













~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?













~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.





Have a nice day everyone

[SS2006]

I got all correct!! Yeah!! I'm a genius!!:D

[Oddfather]

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, so you
give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State
takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State
takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State
takes both and shoots you.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two
cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows. You sell them and retire on the
income.

MALAYSIAN BUMIPUTRAISM: You have two
cows, the State takes one and gives it
to your bumiputra neighbour. From the
milk you sell from the remaining cow
you buy a bull and mulitply your herd.
The State take 30 per cent of your
herd as it grows and give them to your
bumiputra neigbour. Your bumiputra
neighbour has a kenduri each time they
receive a cow.

UMNOPUTRAISM : The State takes 30 per
cent of your herd and parks them in
Switzerland in the name of some UMNO
official or close relatives, friends
and sons-in-law.

MALAYSIAN GOVERNMENT LINKED OR
BUMIPUTRA CORPORATION : You have two
cows. You employ mainly bumiputras to
milk them. But both cows have been
sent to the kenduri, so the State
gives you more cows and write off the
losses of the first two. After several
kenduris later, you invite an American
or German Corporation to turnaround
the losses. The Japanese have however
already taken their two original cows
back home to Japan .

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two
cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four
cows.Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two
cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-
law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated
general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax exemption for
five cows. The milk rights of the six
cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island
Company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to
all seven cows back to your listed
company. The annual report says the
company owns eight cows, with an
option on one more. Sell one cow to
buy a new president of the United
States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the
release. The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two
cows. You go on strike, organise a
riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two
cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. You
then create a clever cow cartoon image
called 'Cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two
cows. You re-engineer them so they
live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two
cows, but you don't know where they
are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two
cows. You count them and learn you
have five cows. You count them again
and learn you have 42 cows. You count
them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows because you're
sobering up and open another bottle of
vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000
cows. None of them belong to you. You
charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION: You have two
cows. You have 300 people milking
them. You claim that you have full
employment, and high bovine
productivity, and arrest the newsman
who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two
cows. You worship them

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two
cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you
have lots of cows. You tell them that
you have none. No-one believes you, so
they bomb you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least
now you are part of a Democracy....

[alfred98]

A Malaysian BN CORPORATION: You have two
cows. You have 300 Bumiputras university unemployable people milking
them. You claim that you have full
employment, and high bovine
productivity, and arrest the Indian newsman
who reported the real situation under ISA!!!

[shiruikage]

A DAP CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The government says you are greedy
you have two cows, and force you to give one up to the poor.
Then they tax you for the cows, and claim you
make seditious blogs about how you have two cows.

[Ah Boh]

The last one is brilliant!!

Actual call centre conversations:
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket
and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone point on the wall".
------------------------------------------------------------------------


RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I
am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------


Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France
):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering
wheel to the other side of the car?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------


Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar
but the 'B' fell off".
------------------------------------------------------------------------


Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the
number on".

------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'".

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the
screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will
I have my
file back again?".

------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This
is
a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from
a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say
the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing
the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now
I know why they record these conversations)

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I
type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there
again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right
angle it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only
light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A
power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have
the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack
it up just like it was when you got it. Then take
it back to the store you bought it
from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I
tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"

[WitchKing]

TERBARU:KES KEHILANGAN...

bukan kehilangan budak bawah umur..tp..
di mana zam,samy vellu,kayveas,badarudin amirudin etc etc..

siapa menjumpai mereka ,sila laporkan kpd Welfare Department negeri masing2

[Chris C]

TERBARU:KES KEHILANGAN...

bukan kehilangan budak bawah umur..tp..
di mana zam,samy vellu,kayveas,badarudin amirudin etc etc..

siapa menjumpai mereka ,sila laporkan kpd Welfare Department negeri masing2

Any rewards for their discovery? :laugh:

[dcrusader]

Any rewards for their discovery? :laugh:

you get to keep them...finder's keeper's.....lol:eek:

[Chris C]

you get to keep them...finder's keeper's.....lol:eek:

:laugh: ....their $$$$ and properties I don't mind....:D

[Ah Boh]

> Abdullah Ahmad Badawi goes to a primary school to talk about the
> corruption togther with all his tough looking bodyguards . After his talk, he offers question time.
> One little boy puts up his hand and Abdullah asked, what is your name?
> Liong
>
> And what is your question, Liong?
>
> I have 3 questions.
>
> First, why did Malaysia Prime Minister open ceremony for his relatives Nasi
> Kandar in Australia ?
> Second, why many Indians wanted Samy Vellu to stepped down yet he is still
> their leader?
>
> Third, why corruption is obvious now in Malaysia but not so before Mahathir
> stepped down? What is the strategy difference to cover up?
>
> Just then, the bell rings for recess.
>
> Abdullah Ahmad Badawi informs the kiddies that they will continue after
> recess.
> When they resume Abdullah says, Ok where were we?
>
> Oh, thats right. Question time. Who has a question?
> A different little boy raises his hand.
>
> Abdullah points him out and asked him what is your name?
>
> Linkam
>
> And what is your question Linkam?
> I have 5 questions.
> First, why did Malaysia Prime Minister open ceremony for his relatives Nasi
> Kandar in Australia ?
> Second, why many Indians wanted Samy Velu to stepped down yet he is still
> their leader?
> Third, why corruption is obvious now in Malaysia but not so before Mahathir
> stepped down? What is the strategy difference to cover up?
> Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
> Fifth, where is Liong?

[Siti Yasmin Basheer]

Three Office Girls
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed that the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early.
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick work-out at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
:laugh:

[Ah Boh]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.




God may have created man before woman,



but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE
IT !

[WitchKing]

Sesiapa ada terjumpa seorang rakyat Selangor, rambut putih, berlagak hemsem, bangsa jawa, rendah2 dan membawa penyapu...sila hubungi balai polis yang berhampiran. Kunci pejabat MB Selangor ada kat dia.

[Oddfather]

Sesiapa ada terjumpa seorang rakyat Selangor, rambut putih, berlagak hemsem, bangsa jawa, rendah2...sila hubungi balai polis yang berhampiran. Kunci pejabat MB Selangor ada kat dia.

you forgot.......dan mambawa penyapu...:p

[WitchKing]

you forgot.......dan mambawa penyapu...:p

Ok, thanks. Rap sheet updated.

[shiruikage]

Lawyer Lawyer!

A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.

“While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

================================================== ========
Say what?

* Tech Support: "How fast is your modem?"
* Customer: "I don't know, it's got a Pentium chip in it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
While working in a small computer store one day I had a customer walk quickly into the store and right up to the counter.

* Customer: "I want to buy a mainframe."
* Me: (playing along with the "joke") "I think I have a couple of them out back."
* Customer: "Good. I need a mainframe because I want to learn how to program in COBOL. I'd prefer a Pentium mainframe, if you have one of those."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I don't want one of those systems based on the cellulite processor."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard at a bus stop:

"That kid is so freakin' retahded. I had to explain what a CPU was. It's a computah. You know, C-P-U...Com-Pu-Tah."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
* My Friend: "I just installed Windows 98."
* Me: "Cool. But...it's 2001. Why not Windows 2000 or wait for XP to come out?"
* My Friend: "Oh, 98 is more easily hacked, so I want it."
* Me: "You want to get hacked?"
* My Friend: "Yes! Wouldn't you?"
* Me: "No...."
* My Friend: "When you get hacked you get a lot of money! That's a good thing!"
* Me: "???"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Friend: "Hey, cool Mac! Does it have Windows!?"
* Me: (incredulous stare)
* Friend: "Oh, wait, that was stupid. All Macs have Windows."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers at a local store. I knew one of them would say something that I could send to Computer Stupidities, so I tried to listen in.

* Woman 1: "What is that little trash can on the screen?"
* Woman 2: "My son says that is call the 'recycle bin'. He tells me when I don't want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there."
* Woman 1: "Why in the recycle thingy? Can't you just erase it?"
* Woman 2: "Oh no, Word wouldn't work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages."
* Woman 1: "Why?"
* Woman 2: "Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That's why it's called the recycle bin."

[Oddfather]

Car or Haircut
-------------------------

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about
six weeks they went in to the study, where his father
said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in
the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut."


The young man paused a moment, and then said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?"

[lychee]

Car or Haircut
-------------------------

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about
six weeks they went in to the study, where his father
said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in
the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut."


The young man paused a moment, and then said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?"

Lesson for young man: Pointless to outsmart your dad. :smile-2:

[kwimango]

Man “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

Man “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man “Is this seat empty?”
Woman “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Woman “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man “Your place or mine?”
Woman “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman “It’s in the phone book.”

Man “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man “What sign were you born under?”
Woman “No Parking.”

Man “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman “Do not Enter”

Man “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman “Unfertilized”

Man “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Woman “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man “I’m here to fulfil your every sexual fantasy.”
Woman “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?”

Man “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman “Then please leave me alone.”

Man “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man “I can tell that you want me.”
Woman “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.”

Man “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy
Woman “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

Man “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
Woman “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species..”

Man “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Woman “Yes, but would you stay there?

[WitchKing]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[Siti Yasmin Basheer]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
:laugh: :laugh:

[datokuan]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
:laugh: :laugh:

:laugh: :laugh: good one..

[WitchKing]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
:laugh: :laugh:

mental image forming! mental image forming!! Get it out!! GET IT OUTTT!!!!!!

[Fishingman]

mental image forming! mental image forming!! Get it out!! GET IT OUTTT!!!!!!

Too late.... know of anywhere I can reformat my brain? :squeeze:

[Oddfather]

Too late.... know of anywhere I can reformat my brain? :squeeze:

Go see Anson....he's the expert.

[lychee]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
:laugh: :laugh:

:laugh::laugh:

[SS2006]

Go see Anson....he's the expert.

Reformat by Anson?? Later even more worse, how?:p

[Oddfather]

Reformat by Anson?? Later even more worse, how?:p

he guarantee to reformat until its good. :eek::p

[cxtreme]

i think the first one is quite relevant in today's volatile market environment :p

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just
as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when
the doorbell rings. The wife quickly
wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands
Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob
says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman
drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds,
Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel
and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her
husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,'
she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say
anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information
pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She
got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm
129?'
The priest removed his hand. But,
changing gears, he let his hand slide
up
her leg again. The nun once again
said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister
but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun
sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the
priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further
up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your
job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk,
and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you
just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!'
says the admin clerk. 'I want to be
in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales
rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the
manager. The manager says,
'I want those two back in the office
after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first
say.

[monay]

:) oops couldn't seem to post those jokes with pics...

[Chris C]

:) oops couldn't seem to post those jokes with pics...

Monay, u still have to save them in photobuckets. :)

[LaoZhang]

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

====================================
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

==========================================
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

===========================================
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

=========================================
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again.

===========================================
Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'

=========================================
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'

=============================================
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.

===============================================
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.

===! ===============================================
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

================================================== =
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

================================================== =
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

================================================== ===
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

================================================== ===
A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not
in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM.

[Oddfather]

The price of Gas
All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap;
it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one!!!!
(At least, I was...)



Compared with Gasoline......




Think a gallon of gas is expensive?




This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.




Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon




Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon



Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .... $10.17 per gallon



Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon



Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon



Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon



Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon



Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon



Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon


And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!

$21.19 for WATER

and the buyers don't even know the source.

(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at................

you won't believe it...................

but it is true.........................

$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at the pump,
be glad your car doesn't run on
water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil
or God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!



Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person,
your muffler will fall off!!


Makes one stop and think, doesn't it?

[Oddfather]

When Dr. Mahathir was Prime Minister of Malaysia

One lousy day in the middle of the economic crisis, PM Mahathir was feeling extremely frustrated and wondering how a neighboring country can be doing better than Malaysia.

One of his aides said, I heard that the leaders consult Feng Shui masters to ensure prosperity for the country.

Dr Mahathir thought if that was the case, Malaysia Bomoh also can, and went to seek the top bomoh's advice in the country.

After reviewing the case, the bomoh told Dr M that there were 2 things that he must do :

Bomoh : Step 1. You must blame the crisis on SOROS for everything.

Dr M : But Why ?

Bomoh: Because SOROS stands for 'Speculate On Ringgit Or Stocks'.

You must blame him, and look at ways to control the ringgit and stock market.

Bomoh : Step 2 - You must get rid of ANWAR.

Dr M: What! why him ?

Bomoh: Because ANWAR stands for 'A Nation Without Any Ringgit'.

Dr M: But how ?

This is most difficult to do, he is popular with the people.

Bomoh : Aiyoh, you bodoh lah!
Look at your name, MAHATHIR.

Make Anwar Homosexual And Then Highlight It Repeatedly.

[SS2006]

When Dr. Mahathir was Prime Minister of Malaysia

One lousy day in the middle of the economic crisis, PM Mahathir was feeling extremely frustrated and wondering how a neighboring country can be doing better than Malaysia.

One of his aides said, I heard that the leaders consult Feng Shui masters to ensure prosperity for the country.

Dr Mahathir thought if that was the case, Malaysia Bomoh also can, and went to seek the top bomoh's advice in the country.

After reviewing the case, the bomoh told Dr M that there were 2 things that he must do :

Bomoh : Step 1. You must blame the crisis on SOROS for everything.

Dr M : But Why ?

Bomoh: Because SOROS stands for 'Speculate On Ringgit Or Stocks'.

You must blame him, and look at ways to control the ringgit and stock market.

Bomoh : Step 2 - You must get rid of ANWAR.

Dr M: What! why him ?

Bomoh: Because ANWAR stands for 'A Nation Without Any Ringgit'.

Dr M: But how ?

This is most difficult to do, he is popular with the people.

Bomoh : Aiyoh, you bodoh lah!
Look at your name, MAHATHIR.

Make Anwar Homosexual And Then Highlight It Repeatedly.

LMAO...walaueh...like that also can think of one!!:laugh:

[KoChun]

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.

Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known 'happy going marriage'.

Editor: ' Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? ' Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:

' We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.

Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.

My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said 'This is your first time'.

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.

This time she again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?' ..

She gave a silent look and said: 'This is your first time!!!'.' Husband: 'That's it. We are happy ever after. '

[Ah Boh]

> MEMO
>
> Perkara : CUTI SAKIT
> Kepada : Semua Pekerja
> Daripada : Pihak Pengurusan
> Salinan : Semua Pembaca Memo Ini
>
> Merujuk kepada perkara diatas, berikut adalah garis panduan
> terbaru berkenaan
> pengambilan cuti sakit.
>
> Setiap pekerja diperuntukkan 10 hari cuti sakit untuk
> setahun. Namun begitu
> anda tidak boleh sewenang-wenangnya mengambil cuti sakit
> jika tak sakit.Itu
> cari penyakit namanya. Sakit melebihi had akan ditolak dari
> cutitahunan
> walaupun anda betul-betul sakit. Cuti sakit tidak boleh
> dipindah milik atau
> dibawa ke tahun seterusnya.
>
> MC (Medical Certificate) atau Sijil Sakit perlu dilampirkan
> dengan borang
> cuti. MC tulisan tangan tidak diterima. Jika berubat
> kampung, sila minta tok
> bomoh atau pawang berkenaan mengeluarkan sijil sakit yang
> ditaip atau
> dapatkan rawatan dari bomoh panel yang dilantik olek
> kompeni.
>
> Sakit hati, sakit jiwa serta jiwang, sakit kepala
> berdenyut-denyut dan sakit
> s engal-sengal otot tidak dibenarkan cuti sakit. Borang
> cuti yang dikepilkan
> pembalut panadol atau kotak ubat cap kaki tiga tidak akan
> dilayan.
>
> Anda dikehendaki menalipon pejabat memaklumkan cuti sakit
> anda dan anda
> tidak perlu bercakap dengan nada kasihan diikuti kesan khas
> suara
> serak-serak kering bersulam dengan batuk berkokol-kokol
> untuk membuktikan
> yang anda sakit. SMS juga dibolehkan jika anda tak mampu
> bersuara tetapi
> tidak digalakkan.
>
> Sekian, harap maklum.
>
> "BERAKIT-RAKIT KE HULU, BERENANG-RENANG KE TEPIAN,
> BERCUTI SAKIT DAHULU,
> HANTAR BORANG CUTI BERSAMA MC KEMUDIAN"
>
>
> Yang Benar
> Pihak Pengurusan

[alfred98]

> MEMO
>
> Perkara : CUTI SAKIT
> Kepada : Semua Pekerja
> Daripada : Pihak Pengurusan
> Salinan : Semua Pembaca Memo Ini
>
> Merujuk kepada perkara diatas, berikut adalah garis panduan
> terbaru berkenaan
> pengambilan cuti sakit.
>
> Setiap pekerja diperuntukkan 10 hari cuti sakit untuk
> setahun. Namun begitu
> anda tidak boleh sewenang-wenangnya mengambil cuti sakit
> jika tak sakit.Itu
> cari penyakit namanya. Sakit melebihi had akan ditolak dari
> cutitahunan
> walaupun anda betul-betul sakit. Cuti sakit tidak boleh
> dipindah milik atau
> dibawa ke tahun seterusnya.
>
> MC (Medical Certificate) atau Sijil Sakit perlu dilampirkan
> dengan borang
> cuti. MC tulisan tangan tidak diterima. Jika berubat
> kampung, sila minta tok
> bomoh atau pawang berkenaan mengeluarkan sijil sakit yang
> ditaip atau
> dapatkan rawatan dari bomoh panel yang dilantik olek
> kompeni.
>
> Sakit hati, sakit jiwa serta jiwang, sakit kepala
> berdenyut-denyut dan sakit
> s engal-sengal otot tidak dibenarkan cuti sakit. Borang
> cuti yang dikepilkan
> pembalut panadol atau kotak ubat cap kaki tiga tidak akan
> dilayan.
>
> Anda dikehendaki menalipon pejabat memaklumkan cuti sakit
> anda dan anda
> tidak perlu bercakap dengan nada kasihan diikuti kesan khas
> suara
> serak-serak kering bersulam dengan batuk berkokol-kokol
> untuk membuktikan
> yang anda sakit. SMS juga dibolehkan jika anda tak mampu
> bersuara tetapi
> tidak digalakkan.
>
> Sekian, harap maklum.
>
> "BERAKIT-RAKIT KE HULU, BERENANG-RENANG KE TEPIAN,
> BERCUTI SAKIT DAHULU,
> HANTAR BORANG CUTI BERSAMA MC KEMUDIAN"
>
>
> Yang Benar
> Pihak Pengurusan
I'm gonna copy this to my nurses!!!!:laugh:

[kwimango]

1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. presto! the blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you’ll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. if it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. if it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

[Ah Boh]

Bil telefon sebuah keluarga naik melambung. Suami
> telah memanggil semua ahli keluarga untuk berbincang;
>
> Suami : Ini dah melampau. Gunakan telefon sesuka hati.
> Ayah tak gunakan telefon rumah, ayah gunakan telefon
> tempat ayah bekerja.
>
> Isteri : Saya pun sama juga, gunakan telefon tempat
> saya bekerja.
>
> Anak : Oh sori..saya gunakan SMS sahaja. Untuk
> panggilan saya gunakan telefon tempat saya bekerja
> juga.
>
> Maid @ Bibik : Jadi apa masalahnya? Semua orang
> gunakan telefon tempat bekerja. Sama juga dengan
> saya!!!....

[yee keong]

1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. presto! the blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you’ll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. if it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. if it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

great remedies! i'm gonna try some out myself!

[lychee]

Bil telefon sebuah keluarga naik melambung. Suami
> telah memanggil semua ahli keluarga untuk berbincang;
>
> Suami : Ini dah melampau. Gunakan telefon sesuka hati.
> Ayah tak gunakan telefon rumah, ayah gunakan telefon
> tempat ayah bekerja.
>
> Isteri : Saya pun sama juga, gunakan telefon tempat
> saya bekerja.
>
> Anak : Oh sori..saya gunakan SMS sahaja. Untuk
> panggilan saya gunakan telefon tempat saya bekerja
> juga.
>
> Maid @ Bibik : Jadi apa masalahnya? Semua orang
> gunakan telefon tempat bekerja. Sama juga dengan
> saya!!!....


Hahaha....logik betul! :wacko:

[Ah Boh]

What women want in a man at age 25:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 35:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 45:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 55:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 65:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 75:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

[KoChun]

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b240/KoChun/Perfect_Husband.jpg

[alfred98]

What's the size to consider BIG???

[KoChun]

What's the size to consider BIG???

Brave, Intelligent, Gentle. :eek:

[KoChun]

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.


Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

[kwimango]

http://bitsandpieces.us/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/imagesdog-20kisses.jpg

beauty and the beast
http://bitsandpieces.us/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/imagesbeauty-20and-20the-20beast.jpg

[Dino]

Kiwi...please don't post this kinda things.......make me vomit only!!! :mad:



:squeeze::p:squeeze:

[Fishingman]

Kiwi...please don't post this kinda things.......make me vomit only!!! :mad:





The first one was ok, the rest ahhhhh..........:sick:

[kwimango]

Kiwi...please don't post this kinda things.......make me vomit only!!! :mad:

The first one was ok, the rest ahhhhh..........:sick:

sori sori, sudah remove.. and replaced with a cute pic

another one to cheer up your friday
http://bitsandpieces.us/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/imagescat-20screen-thumb.jpg

[Dino]

Eh....put that back laaa....if i vomit...other people also must kena vomit also!!! :p:p

[Chris C]

Eh....put that back laaa....if i vomit...other people also must kena vomit also!!! :p:p

:laugh:....u must've had lots of those experience when u were
a kid back in s'wan.....:p

[Ah Boh]

beauty and the beast
http://bitsandpieces.us/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/imagesbeauty-20and-20the-20beast.jpg

waaaahhhh this one soooo cuteeee.... shud belong in my Cute Pix thread la...

[Chris C]

Kwi, is that a pic of your "apple" and u? :p

[Ah Boh]

Kwi, is that a pic of your "apple" and u? :p

LOL!!! are u saying... Kwi = beast, "apple" = beauty?

btw, who is apple??

[Chris C]

LOL!!! are u saying... Kwi = beast, "apple" = beauty?

btw, who is apple??

;) :D........"apple" is kwimango's new squeeze....:cheesy:

[Dino]

:laugh:....u must've had lots of those experience when u were
a kid back in s'wan.....:p

No...he posted another one........that one will make anyone vomit!!! :laugh::p
Kwi....post laaa....i dun scold wan....just pulling your hairy kiwi legs!!!!

[kwimango]

No...he posted another one........that one will make anyone vomit!!! :laugh::p
Kwi....post laaa....i dun scold wan....just pulling your hairy kiwi legs!!!!
okok... here you go!~
http://bitsandpieces.us/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/imagesdid-2dyou-2dknow.jpg

[Chris C]

:laugh:.....like the ol' saying, "ignorance is bliss"......so think
not, vomit not......:cheesy:

[shiruikage]

that make u guys want to vomit? :blink:

[Dino]

that make u guys want to vomit? :blink:

I go swimming 4x a week!!! :squeeze::crying:

[shiruikage]

I go swimming 4x a week!!! :squeeze::crying:

so? the pool water gets recycled every hour wat.

[Dino]

so? the pool water gets recycled every hour wat.

Probably because kids pee in pool looor.....:sick:

[shiruikage]

hahhahahahha!!!!!
sori sori...din mean it...hahahhah!!!

hooookay.....ehem. sori ar...din mean it. just dat i din go swimming one, so...

[cxtreme]

Probably because kids pee in pool looor.....:sick:

dino u think u have it bad..

guess what's in our drinking water ...

[Dino]

dino u think u have it bad..

guess what's in our drinking water ...

You win!!!! :sick:

[Fishingman]

dino u think u have it bad..

guess what's in our drinking water ...

You talking about 'new-water' is it? :)

[JC]

Untuk beberapa tahun, Ahmad Suffian telah mengadakan hubungan sulit
dengan orang gajinya,Sutina ...Suatu hari, Sutina memberitahu Ahmad
Suffian yang dirinya mengandung ...

Ahmad Suffian yang tidak mahu merosakkan perkahwinannya, telah
mengambil keputusan untuk menghantar Sutina balik ke Bandung untuk
melahirkan anak mereka di sana ...

Beliau berjanji akan menanggung segala kos untuk anak tersebut
sehingga anaknya nanti berusia 18 tahun ...

Supaya rahsia mereka berdua tidak terbongkar, Ahmad Suffian menyuruh
Sutina supaya menghantarkan sekeping poskad dengan menulis
perkataan "Mee Bandung" dibelakangnya setelah anak mereka lahir
nanti .. Ahmad Suffian akan menguruskan segala perbelanjaan untuk
anaknya setelah mendapat poskad itu nanti ...

Suatu hari, 9 bulan selepas itu, ketika Ahmad Suffian pulang dari
kerja, isterinya Norzalina menegur Ahmad Suffian dengan muka yang
keliru ...

"Bang ... abang dapat poskad yang peliklah hari ni," kata Norzalina.

"Oh, tak pe ... bagi poskad tu kat Abang. Nanti abang jelaskan,"
kata Ahmad Suffian.

Norzalina pun memberi poskad itu kepada Ahmad Suffian dan melihat
Ahmad Suffian membaca poskad tersebut, sebelum muka Ahmad Suffian
bertukar menjadi biru, ungu dan terus pengsan!!

Poskad itu berbunyi ......

"Mee Bandung, Mee Bandung, Mee Bandung, Mee Bandung - 2 ada telur, 2
tiada telur. Tolong hantarkan kuah lebih ya!"

[Dino]

:laugh:....Seluar koyak looor....

[jerrychoo2004]

CINDERELLA AND THE PUMPKIN


Cinderella was sitting on her porch just weeping and sobbing when suddenly a Magic Fairy came by and asked her why she was crying. She told the Fairy that she was always forced to work on the pumpkin farm and therefore never found any time to meet guys and never got laid.

Upon hearing this, the Fairy suddenly took out her magic wand and pointed it at the pumpkin and turned it into the most beautiful dildo a girl could ever dream of. However, she warned her that she can only use this dildo until midnight and not to dare try it longer than that.

Obviously, Cinderella paid no attention to the warning and started to have fun with the dildo totally loosing track of time. When the Fairy came back the next day, she realized that Cinderella was still crying except only harder and louder and obviously in a great deal of pain!

She immediately went down to her and asked her how yesterday went and Cinderella said it went really well until Midnight.

"So what are you crying about?" the Fairy asked.

"Because you never told me this thing would turn back INTO a pumpkin after midnight!"

[jerrychoo2004]

THE INEXPERIENCED MAN


A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs."

Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again," she said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

To which he replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

[jerrychoo2004]

ROLL OUT THE BARREL...


Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."

"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"

"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.

When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick *******," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

[jerrychoo2004]

Save A Grand


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.

Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The b****!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d#ck off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I could save you a grand here....."

[Ah Boh]

Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)

At home watch TV, go out bring HP.

No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.

Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP.

TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay the services will be terminated

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute, slim,

curvy and very portable at any time.

Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and often demanding,

Most Important, TV got remote.. HP don't have..














Last but not least....... .

TV do not have virus, but h/p yes......... .have VIRUS....... ........ once get it, terus KONG........ hahahahaha. .....
so better choose TV .....

[Ah Boh]

> I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an
> old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
> hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept
> staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every
> time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically Asked, "What's the
> matter old man, never done anything wild in your Life?"
>
>
> The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and
> had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

[LaoZhang]

> I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an
> old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
> hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept
> staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every
> time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically Asked, "What's the
> matter old man, never done anything wild in your Life?"
>
>
> The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and
> had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

Ha ha ha !! Good one !!

Don't know if I qualify as an old man, but nevertheless moving in that direction ...so better learn one or two of these lines to keep these youngsters in their place ..

[Oddfather]

Lawyers & Golf!

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city.

It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm.

One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, 'You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?'

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay. She smiled, and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up.

Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity any longer. He asked her point blank, 'How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?'

The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, 'That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical.' Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?'

She said, 'Then, I'm fifteen minutes late.

[KoChun]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

WANTED: HUSBAND!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME.

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said. 'Just look at you - you have no legs!'

The old gentleman smiled, ' Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

[Anson F-Clef]

In remembrance of what my 3 BIG SISTAS taught me a HEFTY LONG TIME AGO and below is ONE that they taught me:

My Bonnie leaned over the gas tank,
the height of its contents to see;
She lit a small match to assist her,
Oh, DON'T bring back my Bonnie to me.

Following that should be the MATCHING verse to the one above:

Last night as I lay on my pillow,
A gas main blew out under me;
I heard a terrific explosion,
And landed outside in a tree.

Another interesting one, from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Bonnie_Has_Tuberculosis

My breakfast lies over the ocean
My dinner lies over the sea,
My stomach is in a commotion,
Don't mention my supper to me.

CHORUS
Bring back, bring back,
Oh bring back my bucket to me, to me
Bring back, bring back,
Oh bring back my bucket to me.......

I really felt rotten this morning,
They tell me I really looked pale,
My stomach gave adequate warning,
To lean far out over the rail.

The sound of a stomach in motion,
A murmuring noise inside me,
I looked down and there on the water,
Was breakfast and dinner and tea.

[Ah Boh]

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/WrongJob1.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/WrongJob2.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/WrongJob3.jpg

[Ah Boh]

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/WrongJob4.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/WrongJob5.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/WrongJob6.jpg

[Ah Boh]

This is hilarious! :D

Why Chinese shouldn't have English names:
Anne Chang
(Mandarin)-Dirty

Anne Chin
(Mandarin) - Keep quiet

Faye Chen
(Mandarin) - Dusty

Carl Cheng
(Hokkien) - Buttock

Monica Cheng
Hokkien) - Touching your buttocks

Lucy Leow
(Hokkien) - You are dead

Jane Tan
(Mandarin) - Frying eggs

Suzie Leow
(Hokkien) - Lost till death

Henry Mah
(Mandarin) - Hate your mum

Corrine Tai
(Hokkien) - Poor fellow

Paul Chan
(Mandarin) - Bankrupt

Nelson Tan
(Mandarin) - Bird laying eggs

Leslie Tong
(Mandarin) - Rubbish bin

Carmen Teng
(Hokkien) - Leg hair long

Connie Mah
(Cantonese) - Call your mother

Danny See
(Hokkien) - Squeeze you to death

Rosie Teng
(Hokkien) - Screws and nails

Pete Tsai
(Hokkien) - Nose droppings

Macy Koh
(Cantonese) - Never die before

[KoChun]

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

[alfred98]

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
Hahhahahhahhahahahahha....LOL!!!!!:laugh:

[Ah Boh]

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
wat if the wifey found sexy lacy thongs???

[alfred98]

wat if the wifey found sexy lacy thongs???

Then he's wearing one like superman lah!!!:laugh:

[LaoZhang]

A Chinaman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinaman hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinaman for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinaman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinaman replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'

Ha ha ha !!!

[Chris C]

Typical,typical chinaman......:D

[SS2006]

I've read this joke before, but it's a smart blonde, instead of chinaman.

[Dino]

Best Genie Story

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the

biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my
window?'

'Uh.yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm
a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.


Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for
you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?'

[Ah Boh]

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/image013.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/image012.gif

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/image009.gif

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/image010.gif

[Ah Boh]

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/image007.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/image011.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/image008.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/image005-1.jpg

[Ah Boh]

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/image006-1.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/image004-1.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/image003-1.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/siagb/image002.jpg

[LaoZhang]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

[alfred98]

This is why we have to brush up our communication skills ….


Two old friends - a Chinaman and a Malay were having a conversation recently ...
Apek: Lu potong zaka ada bagut ka?
Ali: Manyak bagut. Bila lu potong haa lu punya barang manyak bersih loo...

Apek: ?!! err ... saya kawan ada cakap, potong zaka aaahh.... manyak ploblem..
Ali: Apa probrem.
Apek: Manyak buang lui, lagi aahh .. dia punya performance tatak bagut...
manyak cinang semputloh ..
Ali: Cehh... apek, lu apa celita... saya suda lama potong.
tada apa problem... bini saya manyak puas woo...
Apek: Lu mini puas sama itu potong zaka ka?
Ali: Ya laa. Bila lu potong aahh... lagi sedap maen woo..
lu lagi lambat pancut..
Apek: ???!!! err... lu punya 1.3 atau 1.5??
Ali: ??!! woi apek cakap baik2 sikit ha .. saya punya 6 inci laa..

Apek: ??! Tiu nia ma... lu jgn maen2 haa... mana ada potong zaka 6 inci..
Ali: Cilaka apek ni...nah tengok (opens his trousers)

Apek: Chee sin punya olang.....gua tanya baik2 .. lu tunjuk lu punya lanchiac
Ali: Abis... lu tarak percaya..saya tunjuk la..

Apek: Saya tatak tanya sama lu punya lanchiau...
Saya tanya lu pasal itu nasional car... potong zaka..
molo punya olang..
Ali: Aiya... apek... lain kali lu sebut betul2 la....kasi susa saja..
Bukan potong zaka la..... proton saga........

[LaoZhang]

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra,
but his request was denied.

'Why can't I have a double dose?' the man asked.

'It's not safe,' the doctor replied.

'But I need it really bad,' the man explained. 'My girlfriend is
coming into town on Friday, one of my ex's will be here on Saturday, and my
wife is coming home on Sunday.'

'Okay, I'll give it to you,' the doctor relented. 'But you have to
come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side
effects.'

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right
arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

[alfred98]

KNS doctor......don't even know there is Cialis!!!!:laugh:

[LaoZhang]

KNS doctor......don't even know there is Cialis!!!!:laugh:


I suppose this KNS doc is still NOT as up todate as our Sitiawan doc !! :laugh:

[LaoZhang]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and a gain until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and s h e replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !' :p:p

[LaoZhang]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you. I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[LaoZhang]

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.

She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall... very tall... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: "These two are going to rob me." Her next thought was:
"don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen."

But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but they had to know what she was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and face the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "Oh my," she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!" Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. "Take my money and spare me," she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially.

He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: "Oh my, what a spectacle I've made of myself."

She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room--a dozen roses! One dozen Beautiful Red Roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed;

Eddie Murphy

Michael Jordan

[LaoZhang]

There was once a very good barber in NEW YORK , he gives Free Haircut to everybody who comes into his shop to have their haircuts.


One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay
the barber and the barber replies:
'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.'

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber
goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at
his door .

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the
cut.
But the barber replies:
'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.'
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to
open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his
door.


A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay
the barber after the cut. But the barber replies:
'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.'
The Singaporean software engineer is very happy and leaves.


The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds
there............



Can you guess?





Come on, think like a Singaporean....






have you got the answer ........... ?????






guess








a dozen Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut!:laugh::laugh:

[LaoZhang]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big.......I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill ."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right.........your butt is two inches wider than our barbecue grill!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big grill for one lousy little sausage?" :laugh::laugh::laugh:

[LaoZhang]

A rather cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer in N.W Qld..

He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm.' The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.' The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the State Government with me. See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.

The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out:









<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<






'Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!' :laugh::laugh::laugh:

[LaoZhang]

Letter from Banta Singh to Mr. Bill Gates


Re : Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will povide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,

Banta


Last one to Mr. Bill Gates:

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

[LaoZhang]

The following letter was sent to a long time patron of a local Tesco store. After receiving this letter, she vowed that she would NEVER take her
husband shopping with her again!

2 January 2008

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton; Multiple Complaints

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning
the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. 15th June: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. 2nd July: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. 7th July: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. 19th July: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. 4th August: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.

6. 14th September: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. 15th September: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. 23rd September: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. 4th October: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. 10th November: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. 3rd December: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12 . 6th December: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. 18th December: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. 21st December: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. 23rd December: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

:laugh::laugh:

[LaoZhang]

Rafidah, Shahrizat & Jean Abdullah meet GOD on Judgement Day. GOD says 'I understand all of you are from Malaysia , which to the Bumis, is also known as 'heaven-on-earth'. Here too you all shall be treated according to status. You shall meet the who's who of the Malaysian cream of the crop. You can see two giant gates over there. On one is stated Bumi & the other Non-Bumi.
Just go to the respective gates & mention your name.

BUT remember, should your claim turns out to be false, you shall be condemned to the tortures of hell for all eternity and lose any chance of redemption whatsoever."

Jean goes over first. She stands outside the Bumi gate and mentions her name. The digital display flashes "DLL" and a ear- piercing alarm rings out. The gate opens to reveal a chamber of raging fire of intense heat. 'Welcome to hell' booms a burly turbaned Sikh as he pulls her in. His name tag reads as Irwan Shah Abdullah@DJ Dave@Sukhdave Singh.

Rafidah & Shahrizat are caught by surprise but smile at each other knowingly. Next goes Shahrizat. She too stands outside the Bumi gate & mentions her name. The digital display screen flashes "MAMAK" and another ear-piercing alarm triggers. The gate opens to reveal an icy cold chamber way below freezing point. 'Welcome home, I'm Mamoothy', says a sarcastic voice who's name tag reads as Mahathir s/o Mohd Kutty.

Rafidah who is very sure of qualifying, walks over haughtily to the gate which she feels is her birth-right. Just as she mentions her name, the digital display flashes "INDIAN" .There is a thunderous flash and the gate opens to reveal a pot-bellied figure with a trident in hand & nothing else on except a wig. A familiar voice rings out 'Selamat datang Paduka, Kemaluan saya amat besar, tetapi walaubagaimana pun.......'. He can't go on as he is panting heavily. She is too shocked for words and turns around in time to hear Samy say just before the gate closes forever "Your particulars in our record shows your middle name to be AP instead of binti....." :laugh::laugh:

[kwimango]

Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t a problem.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which ”feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism. ( F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)…applies to engineers mainly.

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or sport. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t ask.

Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t…and if you are feeling amorous afterwards…then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man, , after all, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest… like looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

[LaoZhang]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place....

Since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper "Where the 10 million dollars is hidden..... "

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts It to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzio's Backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger".

:laugh::laugh:

[kwimango]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns..

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?

The doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.’

[kwimango]

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars … but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped…..

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

[athena]

dei... all these situations makes me believe that the dude din even hv his undies on!!!

[LaoZhang]

dei... all these situations makes me believe that the dude din even hv his undies on!!!

Right on, some people just like to "show off" their thing

Girl : "Sir, your garage door is open"
Man: " Did you see a Jaguar in there"
Girl : " No Sir, I saw a mini cooper with 2 flat tires" :laugh::laugh::laugh:

[LaoZhang]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race
again, and it won again.


The local paper read:


PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.



This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is .. . . being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . even shorten your life..


So be yourself and enjoy life.


Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!


Have a nice day!

[Oddfather]

This was the general observation of those witnessing the Penang legislative assembly sitting, which entered into its second day today.

It appears that several backbenchers from the DAP-led Penang government and opposition Barisan Nasional assemblypersons have yet to settle into their new roles.

Both sides look more contented with taking potshots and trading barbs instead of engaging in a constructive debates on policy issues.

lim guan eng and penangChief Minister Lim Guan Eng had reminded all assemblypersons to use the eight-day sitting as a forum to address key issues affecting Penangites and the state’s development.

But it was obvious that some of the elected representatives have ignored this call.

When engaged in arguments, both sides are more keen on hitting out at each other perhaps because of their inexperience in their new positions.

For instance, when a BN assemblyperson raised the flood situation in his constituency yesterday, he merely criticised the four-month old state government 'for not doing anything about it' without suggesting any action plan.

At this juncture, several backbenchers jumped to the defence of the state government, promptly claiming, in typical opposition fashion, that flood problems in Penang was a BN legacy.

'All-Malay opposition'

MCA's former Jawi assemblyperson Tan Cheng Liang, who has been attending the sitting as an observer, said the elected representatives have to be given more time to adjust to their new roles.

"Not all of them are guilty of politicising the sitting. Several of them are doing well," she said.

MCA, like Gerakan, lost all state and parliamentary seats it contested in Penang in the March 8 polls. The parties have assigned its former assemblypersons to attend the sitting as observers.

A lively backbencher during the previous three terms, Tan however, admitted that BN assemblypersons from Umno must get accustomed quickly to play an effective and decisive opposition role

"Otherwise it will not help BN in the long run," she said.

One BN assemblyperson apparently told Tan that he could not get rid off his government mentality and was always tempted to reply to questions raised by his political colleagues.

"The assemblyperson was still thinking he was from the ruling party. They may have swapped their seats, but have not swapped their mindsets," she told Malaysiakini.

This is the first time in Penang's political history, the state legislative assembly does not have a single non-Malay opposition member.

Since all 11 opposition BN elected representatives are from Umno, Gerakan has also assigned a team of observers to provide information and feedback to the opposition bench on issues not familiar to them such as non-Malay matters.

Former Pantai Jerejak assemblyperson Wong Mun Hoe said Gerakan's team would try to play an effective opposition role from the outside to provide the decisive check and balance to the present state government.

"We are also learning to become the opposition since we have no experience at all in it," he told Malaysiakini.

He admitted that several Pakatan Rakyat and BN assemblypersons have yet to perform their roles as "constructive and effective" backbenchers and opposition respectively.

"But once they have gained the experience along the way, I am sure their performance would be better and the debates would be livelier," he said.

[Fishingman]

This was the general observation of those witnessing the Penang legislative assembly sitting, which entered into its second day today.

It appears that several backbenchers from the DAP-led Penang government and opposition Barisan Nasional assemblypersons have yet to settle into their new roles.

Both sides look more contented with taking potshots and trading barbs instead of engaging in a constructive debates on policy issues.

lim guan eng and penangChief Minister Lim Guan Eng had reminded all assemblypersons to use the eight-day sitting as a forum to address key issues affecting Penangites and the state’s development.

But it was obvious that some of the elected representatives have ignored this call.

When engaged in arguments, both sides are more keen on hitting out at each other perhaps because of their inexperience in their new positions.

For instance, when a BN assemblyperson raised the flood situation in his constituency yesterday, he merely criticised the four-month old state government 'for not doing anything about it' without suggesting any action plan.

At this juncture, several backbenchers jumped to the defence of the state government, promptly claiming, in typical opposition fashion, that flood problems in Penang was a BN legacy.

'All-Malay opposition'

MCA's former Jawi assemblyperson Tan Cheng Liang, who has been attending the sitting as an observer, said the elected representatives have to be given more time to adjust to their new roles.

"Not all of them are guilty of politicising the sitting. Several of them are doing well," she said.

MCA, like Gerakan, lost all state and parliamentary seats it contested in Penang in the March 8 polls. The parties have assigned its former assemblypersons to attend the sitting as observers.

A lively backbencher during the previous three terms, Tan however, admitted that BN assemblypersons from Umno must get accustomed quickly to play an effective and decisive opposition role

"Otherwise it will not help BN in the long run," she said.

One BN assemblyperson apparently told Tan that he could not get rid off his government mentality and was always tempted to reply to questions raised by his political colleagues.

"The assemblyperson was still thinking he was from the ruling party. They may have swapped their seats, but have not swapped their mindsets," she told Malaysiakini.

This is the first time in Penang's political history, the state legislative assembly does not have a single non-Malay opposition member.

Since all 11 opposition BN elected representatives are from Umno, Gerakan has also assigned a team of observers to provide information and feedback to the opposition bench on issues not familiar to them such as non-Malay matters.

Former Pantai Jerejak assemblyperson Wong Mun Hoe said Gerakan's team would try to play an effective opposition role from the outside to provide the decisive check and balance to the present state government.

"We are also learning to become the opposition since we have no experience at all in it," he told Malaysiakini.

He admitted that several Pakatan Rakyat and BN assemblypersons have yet to perform their roles as "constructive and effective" backbenchers and opposition respectively.

"But once they have gained the experience along the way, I am sure their performance would be better and the debates would be livelier," he said.


Boss, wrong thread ah?

[Oddfather]

Boss, wrong thread ah?

this is a classic joke.....you must read between the lines to find the joke. :D

[LaoZhang]

Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour!
Husband: I was looking for the expiry date.

-------------------------------------------
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure! What are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

-------------------------------------------

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture, and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself --- what other problem can be greater than this one?

-------------------------------------------

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet!

--------------------------------------------

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

--------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife: 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

-------------------------------------------
Father to son after exam: Let me see your report card.
Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

-------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the early warning.

------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor.

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

[kwimango]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, ‘I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?’

The blonde said, ‘I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.’

The milkman asked, ‘Do you want it pasteurized?’

The blonde said, ‘No, just up to my breasts. I can splash it on my face’.

[athena]

An ant worked hard in the sweltering heat all summer, building its nest and laying up supplies for the winter.

A grasshopper thought the ant was stupid not knowing how to enjoy life. It spent its days laughing, singing & dancing thoroughly enjoying the summer.




Came winter, the shivering grasshopper called a press conference and demanded to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while he was cold and starving.

TV1, TV2 & TV3 showed up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper alongside to a video clip of the ant in his comfortable home with a table full of food.

The majority of the Malaysian Parliamentarians were stunned by the sharp contrast. How could this poor grasshopper be allowed to suffer?

Khairy staged a demonstration in front of the ant's nest.

Nazri went on a hunger strike along with other grasshoppers demanding that they be relocated to warmer climate area during winter.

The Malaysia Government immediately passed a law forbidding all ants from working hard in the summer so as to bring about equality of poverty between ants and grasshoppers.

Hishammudin increased 'More Special Reservations' for grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services..

The ant was fined for failing to share 30% of his food with the grasshopper. The Prime Minister announced that this was part of the NEP. No ant should question it.

Many years later...

Some ant migrated to the US and set up multi-billion dollar companies there.

Hundreds of grasshoppers still died of starvation despite the 'More Special Reservations'.

Losing significant number of hard working ants and free loading the grasshoppers, Malaysia remained a developing country, despite its abundant natural resources.

All because the remaining ANTS were still doing their work .............................


Latest finding showed that almost all the grasshoppers in the political arena and civil service were hoarding corrupt wealth which they refused to share with fellow grasshoppers.

[Oddfather]

waaa.......this story must be so significant, it was posted twice.....:p

[KoChun]

waaa.......this story must be so significant, it was posted twice.....:p

Indeed, I read 2 times, still cannot get the erti di sebalik batu di sebalik batu.

[shiruikage]

Indeed, I read 2 times, still cannot get the erti di sebalik batu di sebalik batu.

ants:non malay...
grasshoppers:malay...
gist of story:...ur living it...

[athena]

waaa.......this story must be so significant, it was posted twice.....:p
thanks for the heads-up...din see the double post...:P

[kwimango]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

Flynn said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Mary said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[fishboy]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched In horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of Men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, Fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken

[LaoZhang]

JAPANESE woman died at the age of 104 and was still a virgin...........

...
...
...

...
...
...
...




...



...





...


and her name was MATIMATI TAMOKASI.
:p:laugh:

[alfred98]

Hahahahhahaaaa:laugh::laugh::laugh:LOL!!!

[Oddfather]

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage , turned
on the radio , and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the
day. I went back into the house , quietly undressed , and slipped back
into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back , now with a different
anticipation , and whispered , 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied , 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that ?'



I still don't know if she was joking

[WitchKing]

Words Malaysians can incorporate into their daily lives:

"Anwarized” - meaning: To get back-stabbed.. i.e. People who have been anwarized may contact the DPM's hotline.
"Badawized" - meaning: To be stupified ..........i.e. Malaysians seem to be badawized by the media which reports biased news
"Najibbed" - meaning: To be blown to bits .....i.e. In this country,you better be careful with what you say, you can be najibbed otherwise

"Petrad" - meaning: To be exposed ...........i.e. Lately the BN coalition has been petrad in many ways

"KayJayed" - meaning: To shout for no reason i.e. He kayjayed in the Dewan and appeared like a moron

"Balaed" - meaning: To vanish suddenly i.e. The opposition balaed from the meeting in protest

"Lingamed" - meaning: To repeat redundantly i.e. The Information Minister lingamed the same rubbish in the debate recently.

"Soileked" - meaning: To be caught on tape i.e. People have stopped using budget hotels as they are afraid of being soileked.


A short Malaysian fiction :
Altantuya was cold bloodedly najibbed after she attempted to petra Najib for anwarising her and not making the promised payments.
Razak was badawized into covering up for Najib while Najib balaed from the scene. Razak was actually anwarized.
However Najib lingamed that he had nothing to do with it and has been kayjaying on the topic in an attempt to prove his innocence.
Nevertheless, some quarters have been threatening that they have soileked evidence that Najib was involved.

"To Love Malaysia , is to know Malaysia "

[LaoZhang]

Words Malaysians can incorporate into their daily lives:

"Anwarized” - meaning: To get back-stabbed.. i.e. People who have been anwarized may contact the DPM's hotline.
"Badawized" - meaning: To be stupified ..........i.e. Malaysians seem to be badawized by the media which reports biased news
"Najibbed" - meaning: To be blown to bits .....i.e. In this country,you better be careful with what you say, you can be najibbed otherwise

"Petrad" - meaning: To be exposed ...........i.e. Lately the BN coalition has been petrad in many ways

"KayJayed" - meaning: To shout for no reason i.e. He kayjayed in the Dewan and appeared like a moron

"Balaed" - meaning: To vanish suddenly i.e. The opposition balaed from the meeting in protest

"Lingamed" - meaning: To repeat redundantly i.e. The Information Minister lingamed the same rubbish in the debate recently.

"Soileked" - meaning: To be caught on tape i.e. People have stopped using budget hotels as they are afraid of being soileked.


A short Malaysian fiction :
Altantuya was cold bloodedly najibbed after she attempted to petra Najib for anwarising her and not making the promised payments.
Razak was badawized into covering up for Najib while Najib balaed from the scene. Razak was actually anwarized.
However Najib lingamed that he had nothing to do with it and has been kayjaying on the topic in an attempt to prove his innocence.
Nevertheless, some quarters have been threatening that they have soileked evidence that Najib was involved.

"To Love Malaysia , is to know Malaysia "



:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Malaysia Boleh... now Mother England need to devote a page or two for Malaysian contribution to the development of the English language ..

[shiruikage]

What does Sushi A said to Sushi B?

- Wassup B!

[LaoZhang]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws

[LaoZhang]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kind of contests.

[LaoZhang]

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I a sked.

'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

[LaoZhang]

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

[LaoZhang]

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'

The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


:laugh::laugh:

[LaoZhang]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[LaoZhang]

Just see below - Ours is simple,short,concise, straight-to-point, effective etc..........

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock

[/B]RETURNING A CALL [/B]
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY .
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians:No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money...
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're
coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time.. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Wat happen Why like that....

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you,
Malaysians: like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Malaysians:Celaka u

[Oddfather]

1. Losing all your friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'




2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, 'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....





3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means Without Information Fighting Every Time!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means With Idiot For Ever!!'





4. Importance of a period

Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'





5. Confident vs. Confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son, that's confidential!'





6. Anger management?

Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet..'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush.'

[Anson F-Clef]

Just found this one from another forum (ADMINS PLEEEZ DELETE THIS if it has already been posted in ACS Sitiawan Forum before - thanxalot)....

An English lady goes on vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after *TOOOOOOT* she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says.. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't because you will make fun of me" the black man says. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. "Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it" the black man says. The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean!"

[LaoZhang]

TO ALL YOU LADIES OUT THERE

Yasmin Yusof, a DJ on Radio 4 asked listeners on her radio program to call to answer trivia questions.

The first caller to give the correct answer would get a prize from the sponsor.

She asked: "Can anyone out there tell me the household name of Sodium Chloride"

A caller who is a housewife called up eager to answer the question.

Not knowing the answer to the question, she asked Yasmin for a clue.

"Something you put on your husband's eggs in the morning." she said.

The lady confidently said : "Talcum powder".:o

Yasmin Yusof was only able to return to the air after a few songs :laugh::laugh:

[LaoZhang]

Excellent poems by not so famous poets... found on toilet doors and walls..........

A budding poet trying his best...

Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted

Someone who had a different experience wrote,

You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose...

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come
here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

Toilets walls also double as job advertisement space.......

(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the Fire
Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.

We aim to please!
You aim too! Please

On the inside of a toilet door:

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the
entire performance.

And finally, this should teach some a lesson...

Sign seen at a restaurant:

The hands that clean these toilets also make your
food...please aim properly.

[LaoZhang]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

[dcrusader]

juz gotta share this one...

Sometime in the future .....
> >
> >
> > Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Lee Kuan Yew die and go
> > to hell. But the devil has only one phone there.
> >
> > The Queen says, I miss my England, can I use your phone and
> > hear how my people are doing down there.
> > She calls and talks about five minutes. Then she asks,
> > 'Well devil, how much do I owe you for the call?'.
> > The devil says, 'Five million pounds'.
> > She writes him a cheque and goes back to her chair .
> >
> > Clinton wants to make a call too. He says I wanna call the
> > US. He talks about ten minutes, then asks, 'How much do
> > I owe you devil?'.
> > The devil says, 'Ten million dollars'.
> > He also writes a cheque and goes back to his seat
> >
> > Lee Kuan Yew is jealous. He says I want to call Singapore.
> > He calls and talks for about an hour to his son Lee Hsien
> > Loong who is busy trying to find Mas Selamat. Then he asks
> > the devil, 'How much do I owe you?'.
> >
> > The devil replies, 'Only one dollar'.
> > Lee Kuan Yew is shocked and asks, 'Why so
> > little?'.
> >
> > The devil says, 'If you make a call from one Hell to
> > another, it is considered as a LOCAL call'.;)

[kwimango]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” “Well, “he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent.”

I asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

[LaoZhang]

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock" on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger,
her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".

And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave
again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

[elvin]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” “Well, “he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent.”

I asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”


sudu teh kah? sudu besar? hahahaha

[Fishingman]

sudu teh kah? sudu besar? hahahaha

Go to the restaurant and ask the waiter yourself. :eek:

[Oddfather]

Go to the restaurant and ask the waiter yourself. :eek:

go and see for yourself.....and maybe drop your soup spoon also lor...hahaha.....

[dcrusader]

Ah Beng-bashing time again!:eek: no offence to the Beng's out there..

AH BENG the Crazy Singaporean.
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed Lah !
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.
He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age,
Address etc.
Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure
of the question.
After much thought, he writes " Yes "
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do ?"
Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it !?"
Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares
it with the original for spelling mistakes.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks
his picture is being taken.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.
When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help'
command after some tries.
Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer
retailer for support.
Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been
over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!"
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he
answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but
instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it
to my ear, lah" "Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ..
what happened to the other ear ?"
Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Ah Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE ETWEEN Taipei
AND LAS VEGAS ?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Ah Beng : "THANK YOU lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for
quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a
friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN
FOR 4-7 YRS".
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE"
and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"
Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"
-------? ? ? ? ? ? ?-------

[Oddfather]

little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah" .

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

************************************************** ********

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white

************************************************** ********
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead...

************************************************** ********

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples...

[WitchKing]

The family is sitting at the dinner table.. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard... In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[LaoZhang]

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they
thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the
last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer
he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we
want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny
when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but
Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer
and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each
other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also
wet s his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too
much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he
dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad
drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they
taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and
picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at
Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street
again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years old

[LaoZhang]

ADVERTORIAL
New Straits Times
23 August 2008, page 43

HONORARY DEGREE AWARD
7TH CONVOCATION CEREMONY UNIVERSITY TUN HUSSEIN ONN MALAYSIA
TO
YANG AMAT MULIA RAJA ZARITH SOFIAH BINTI ALMARHUM
SULTAN IDRIS AL-MUTAWAKIL ALALLAHI SHAH
D.K.II, S.P.M.J., S.P.C.M.

Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah binti Almarhum Sultan Idris Al-Mutawakil Alallahi Shah has born on 14th of August 1959 in Hospital Batu Gajah, Perak. Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith is a third son to Duli Yang Maha Mulia Paduka Seri Sultan Perak Darul Ridzwan and Duli Yang Maha Mulia Raja Mazuwin binti almarhum Raja Arif Shah.

Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah get early education in Sekolah Rendah Jenis Kebangsaan Datin Khadijah Kuala Kangsar in the state his birthplace namely in Perak. After end of the education in primary school, Yang Amat Mulia continue the education to form one at Sekolah Jenis Kebangsaan Raja Perempuan Kalsom Kuala Kangsar, Perak.

In the month of September 1972, Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah have set forth to England for further education in Chaltenham Ladies College, Gloucestershire to form six. Then, Yang Amat Mulia continue learning it in Davies College London in September 1977 and his following year in receive enter to Somerville College, London after having passed Oxford Entrance Examination.

After graduated at Oxford University with Bachelor of Art in June 1983 and follow the traditional University of Oxford, Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith will receive Master of Art after three years in 1986. Yang Amat Mulia also is a linguist follow several courses including language Mandarin at the tertiary level, French and Italy language.

As his father, Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah is a person that talented in picture arts. Refinement of soul, Yang Amat Mulia always watching natural beauty environment immortalize in the form photograph and painting to make look and reference. Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith performance become guide to deliver the message education to general public. Yang Amat Mulia concern on women and natural world and it custody aspect in become deep theme in painting.

Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah comply have interest profoundest field documentation. Apart from producing book, Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith doubled up guest writer in the The New Straits Times newspapers and in personal column it “Mind Matters” in The Star newspaper. Besides writing, Yang Amat Mulia comply active presenting a working paper at the conference national level and international.

Education from her father and mother over concern to the people, make Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah likes engaged in voluntary activities about as Deputy President of Majlis Wanita Johor (ROSE), Chief of Persatuan Pandu Puteri Malaysia Johor branch, Chairman of Nationalistic Community Service Red Crescent Malaysia, Patron of Spastic Children School in Johor Bahru, Patron Rotary Club of Tebrau Foundation, Advisor of Traditional Arts School International in London and become Pro Chancellor University Technology Malaysia (UTM) and becomen Royal Felllow Faculty of Language and Linguistic University Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM).

As the appreciation towards her contributions of ideas and efforts in the development of education in Malaysia, Chancellor of University Tun Hussein Onn Malaysia, Duli Yang Amat Mulia Tunku lbrahim lsmail lbni Sultan lskandar, Tunku Mahkota Johor, has approbation to presented the awards to Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah binti Almarhum Sultan Idris Al-Mutawakil Alallahi Shah the Honorary Doctorate of Philosophy in Education at 7th Convocation Ceremony of University Tun Hussein Onn Malaysia in this year. Congratulation from us, University Tun Hussein Onn Malaysia members.

[Yvette]

????????Besides all the mistakes, did he have a sex change? Started off with a binti (now I thought binti are for women?) then became a he and then changed back to a she?

[kwimango]

32 “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
31 “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Jessica Alba had a baby!”
30 “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
29 “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
28 “Damn if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
27 “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
26 “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
25 “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
24 “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
23 “Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!”
22 “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
21 “Got milk?”
20 “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
19 “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
18 “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
17 “Yeah, well you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass.”
16 “Sure you’ll get your figure back — we’ll just search 1995 where you left it.”
15 “Keys are on the fridge, honey. I’ll see you at the hospital at half-time.”
14 “Sure, the doctor said you’re eating for two - but he didn’t mean two Orcas.”
13 “Honey — Come show the guys your Brando impression!”
12 “Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!”
11 “How come you’re so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?”
10 “Sweetheart, where’d you put that Victoria’s Secret catalog?”
9 “What’s the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out.”
8 “Hey, when you’re finished pukin’ in there, get me a beer, willya?”
7 “Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?”
6 “That’s not a bun in the oven — it’s the whole friggin’ bakery!”
5 “You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive.”
4 “Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support.”
3 “Yo, Fatass! You’re blocking the TV!”
2 “No, I don’t know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?”
and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife….
1 “I know today’s your due date, but Larry just got a 10-point buck and that’s a reason to celebrate, too.”

[LaoZhang]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

[LaoZhang]

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 32nd wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly a tiny beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said: 'For being such an exemplary married couple and especially for being
so thoughtful and loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'


''Oh,' said the wife, 'I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand, and poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and ten thousand dollars appeared in her hands.


Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a minute and said, 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and not my heart. I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'


The wife and the fairy were very shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story? Men who are ungrateful should remember that all fairies are female!

[WitchKing]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/nazlan/untitled.jpg