Post your fav jokes!!! [Archive] - The Unofficial ACS Sitiawan Alumni Forum

Rayhong

11-29-2004, 01:55 PM

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the Maid The Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: " Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."

siewjang

12-02-2004, 01:05 PM

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of
honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other
end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled
on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS
before you begin your speech. She must love you very much."

The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for 'Keep It
Short, Stupid'."

KoChun

12-02-2004, 01:25 PM

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she talks about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Steve raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because it is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nod and called on Jane. Little Jane said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher smiled and then called on little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom had two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

KoChun

12-02-2004, 01:26 PM

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than meets the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

TingMS

12-02-2004, 01:29 PM

I
hold
your
neck................

and
bite
it
gently..........

I
grab
your
Breast.........

and
taste
it GREEDILY.............!!!!!

Then.............

I
lick
LUSTFULLY............

I
spread
your
LEGS.......

and

feel
the
heat......

OOOoooohhhhhhhhhhhhh..................

My
Kentucky
Fried
Chicken............

daLady

12-02-2004, 01:34 PM

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant
Panic is when both are pregnant.

Linkinfark

12-02-2004, 04:33 PM

Take a bit of time...have a little laugh...

There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back.
The weather was very hot and he decided to take a nap under one of
the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.
A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he
realised was that all his hats was gone. Then he heard some monkeys on top of the tree and he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of
monkeys.
They have taken all his hats!
The hat-seller sits down and try to think of how he can get the hats
down.
He started to think and scratched his head. The next moment, he
realised that the monkeys were doing the same action. Next, he took down his own hat and fan himself. The monkeys did exactly the same!
An idea strike him - he took his hat and threw it on the floor. And,
the monkeys did the same too. Alas, he managed to get all his hats
back.
Fifty years later, his grandson also became a hat-seller and had
heard this monkey story from his grandfather.
One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest.
Feeling very hot, he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats
on the floor.Again, when he woke up, he realised that all his hats were
gone.

He looked up and found that the monkeys had taken all his hats.
Remembering what his grandfather had told him, he started scratching
his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned
himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his
grandfather's idea, he threw his hat on the floor ... but to his surprise, the
monkeys still held on to all the hats!
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor,
gave him a slap and said "You think only you have grandfather meh........???!!!"

Husband & Wife - Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
"When we were first married, I would come home from the office,
my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run
around barking .
Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog
brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
Why complain?" said the counselor.
"You're still getting the same service!"

Voon Chan

12-02-2004, 05:11 PM

Any one remember Mr. Chen Weng Lim?When I was in form 2, he was my maths teacher. This is a true story.

On day he said " Hari ini kita belajar kadar terus. Ini prinsip sangat senang. Contoh, Lembu banyak, susu juga banyak".

I was a little bit naughty that day, I said "Cikgu, kalau semua lembu jantan, mana ada susu".

He scolded me "Cikgu cakap ini, awak cakap lain, kalau lembu jantan beer banyak".

I said "Lembu jantan boleh keluar beer kah?".

Mr. Chen said "Celaka punya budak, kencinglah".

The whole class burst in to laughter.

Sila

12-03-2004, 12:10 AM

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and NOT GET LOST!

TingMS

12-03-2004, 10:12 AM

Detective Sui

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tan Sow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

fall out of tree, not see.

......NO FEE

Dino

12-03-2004, 02:37 PM

Here's a silly one:

A bear is running after a rabbitt in the woods when all of a sudden a genie appears and stops them both. "Boys, boys, what are you doing? Since I'm in a good mood I'll give each one of you 3 wishes."

The bear says "Except me, I want ALL the bears in Québec to be FEMALES!"

"Done" says the genie.

The rabbitt says "I want a motorcycle."

"Done" says the genie.

The bear then says "Except me, I want all the bears in AMERICA to be FEMALES!"

"Done" says the genie.

The rabbitt says "I want a motorcycle helmet."

"Done" says the genie.

The bear finally says "Except me, I want all the BEARS IN THE WORLD to be FEMALES!!"

"Done" says the genie.

The rabbitt then points at the bear and says "I want him to be GAY!!" and speeds away full speed on his motorcycle.

KoChun

12-03-2004, 02:48 PM

Positive thinking

Positive thinking is like this.... A little bird flies up in the sky; you look up and it shits in your eye...
But you don't mind and you don't cry... But you thank God that cows don't fly.....

daLady

12-03-2004, 03:07 PM

A timeless lesson on how CONSULTANTS can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant,and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However,when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
"Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.
The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that eliminates the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

ausman

12-03-2004, 06:27 PM

Speeding Ticket
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

ausman

12-03-2004, 06:32 PM

Ah Pek and Ah Ma were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep

A few moments later she said, "Then, you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then, you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

Hearing no reply, she asked again.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"To get my teeth!!!"

12-05-2004, 12:05 PM

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried
to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the
bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out stretched arms and said, "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Sila

12-05-2004, 11:16 PM

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"

daBoss

12-05-2004, 11:20 PM

Sila

12-05-2004, 11:37 PM

...only women would be stupid enuf to drag a fat man around town on christmas eve... men would be too busy boozing and getting laid... :)

only women care enuf about the poor kids, waiting for their presents la... soft hearted what... :)

Linkinfark

12-13-2004, 01:16 PM

Deep Thoughts............

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If a pit bull humps your leg you’d better fake an orgasm.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re a twat.

Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.

The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.

How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it’s still there?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Guns don't kill people - Husbands who come home early kill people.

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Linkinfark

12-13-2004, 01:19 PM

WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish.....................49
Adventurer.................Slept with all your friends
Athletic...................No tits
Average looking............Face like a basset hound
Beautiful..................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...........Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated.................. Banged her professors
Emotionally Secure.........Medicated
Feminist...................Fat ballbuster
Free spirit................Junkie
Friendship first...........Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun........................Annoying
Gentle......................Comatose
Good Listener.............. Borderline Autistic
New-Age.....................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned...............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded.................Desperate
Outgoing....................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate..................Sloppy drunk
Poet........................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional................Certified Bitch
Redhead.....................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque.................Grossly Fat
Romantic....................Looks better by candlelight
Social......................Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous..................Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height....Hugely Fat, as tall as you are wide
Wants Soulmate..............Stalker

MEN'S ADS
40-ish..................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking.........Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit.............Banging your sister
Friendship first........As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun.....................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............Arrogant
Very good looking.......Dumb as a board
Honest.................Pathological Liar
Huggable...............Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle.........Insecure mama's boy
Mature..................Older than your father
Open-minded.............Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit..........Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet................... Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive...............Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive..........Gay
Spiritual.............. Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable................. Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful..............Says "Excuse me" when he farts
Widow.......................Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart..............Old bat

Linkinfark

12-13-2004, 01:20 PM

AMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM:
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.):
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA:
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS:
Well-Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING:
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

Linkinfark

12-13-2004, 05:24 PM

>
> 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
> bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
> 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad
you
> asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
> problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just
> died . . . "
> 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their
> name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it
is
> located, how long it has been in business, how many people work
there, how
> they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids
they
> have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about
> their company for as long as necessary.
> 4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is
Judy
> and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real
husky
> voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
> 5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you
> been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror
as she
> tries to figure out where she could know you from.
> 6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one,
and
> keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most
fun
> if you can do it until they hang up.
> 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends
> Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any
friends,
> would you be my friend?"
> 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?
> Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
> 9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to
marry
> you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give
your
> credit card number to a complete stranger.
> 10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and
they
> can't sell to employees.
> 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer,
set the
> receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
> 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her
if
> he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call
him/her
> back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give
out
> their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you
at
> home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!"
Hang
> up.
> 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
> 14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold.
Put
> them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.
> Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
> 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if
they
> could bring you some beer.
> 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
> 17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should
> probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
> 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
> "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
> 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up
. . .
> louder . . . louder . . .
> 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every
word
> down.
>
> NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on
> telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing
>

KoChun

12-14-2004, 09:25 AM

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

KoChun

12-14-2004, 09:26 AM

The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two
stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. The couple decided to try one last
time for the son they
always wanted. After months of trying, the wife
finally got pregnant and
sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine
months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his
new son. He took one
look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he
had ever seen. He went
to his wife and told her there was no way he could
be the father of that
child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have
you been fooling around on
me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not
this time!"

KoChun

12-14-2004, 09:27 AM

The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his
job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or
cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing
discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part
he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I
can't send you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private
part like this. It has to be
saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the
dead man's scaling. He
stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I
have something to show
you that you won't believe," he said, and opened
up his briefcase. "Oh my
God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

KoChun

12-14-2004, 09:27 AM

The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she
heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
Then she quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him
with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just
pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room. "Oh,
it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The
Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about
the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of
bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a
glass of milk. "Here," he
said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an
idiot at the Smiths for
three days and nobody offered me as much as a
glass of water."

KoChun

12-14-2004, 09:28 AM

The Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining
a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running
down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and
his pale lips began to move
slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice, "I have something
that I must confess.
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Becky, "everything's all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with
your sister, your
best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "thats
why I poisoned you."

Linkinfark

12-15-2004, 11:57 AM

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both
male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,
Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually
late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain theirs 'til after they give birth in the
spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to
be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man
in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

siewjang

12-15-2004, 01:21 PM

A tour bus takes off with a full load of senior citizens. Soon after, a little old lady taps the bus driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him
another handful of almonds.

She repeats this gesture many times.

The driver finally has to ask the old lady why she and her elderly friends don't eat the almonds themselves, where upon she replies that it's not possible because of their false teeth.

" We're not able to chew them. "

"Why do you buy them then ? " the driver asks, feeling puzzled, where upon
the old lady answers: " Oh, we just love the chocolate around them !"

fishboy

12-15-2004, 02:31 PM

"Why do you buy them then ? " the driver asks, feeling puzzled, where upon
the old lady answers: " Oh, we just love the chocolate around them !"
shit man... feel like vomitting now.... but it's a dem good one..

siewjang

12-17-2004, 02:54 PM

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

$iewjang

siewjang

12-17-2004, 02:57 PM

Dear siewjang,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Linkinfark

12-17-2004, 03:54 PM

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKS:
"Daddy, how was I born?"
DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! "Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
"We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male! "

siewjang

12-20-2004, 08:52 AM

Mr. Samy-vellu went for the recent United Nations' Meeting. He represented the Malaysian Prime Minister. All nations were discussing about space exploration by the year 2003. Here are some of the conversations:

China Delegate : "By the year 2003, China will start their moon exploration project."

Russian Delegate : "We too, we are going to explore the moon. This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon."

Bill Clinton : "We the United States will also explore the moon for the second time."

Malaysian Delegate: "By the year 2003, Malaysia will explore the sun."

There was a long silence. Bill Clinton stood up and asked the Malaysian Delegate: "Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?"

Samy Vellu (after a long silence): "We will do it in the evening."

athena

12-20-2004, 09:14 AM

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kind of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece !

LiLiaN

12-21-2004, 02:35 AM

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

siewjang

12-21-2004, 09:31 AM

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use
more words than men.

Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.

It read: "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband,

"It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said, "What?"

siewjang

12-21-2004, 09:31 AM

Last night, grandma wore a see-through top, grandpa didn't notice.

The 2nd night grandma wore a bikini, grandpa got a shock.
And on the 3rd night, she got naked and grandpa says to her: "why is your
dress so crumpled...???"

Robin Kok CH

12-21-2004, 10:04 AM

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out to the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries :Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar... you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres : chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP , DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-F**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE ! GOT IT, AS**OLE ?" and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story ?

siewjang

12-21-2004, 10:36 AM

coochy cooh ... indeed!

Robin Kok CH

12-28-2004, 02:31 PM

Court scene:

1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case.

athena

12-29-2004, 12:12 PM

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals

throughout the company have been using foul language during the course

of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received

from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language

will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical

importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when

communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have

been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can

continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:

I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:

You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:

She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF:

She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:

Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:

And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:

I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:

No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING:

Really?

INSTEAD OF:

You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:

Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF:

Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:

I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:

It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING:

That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:

What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:

I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF:

This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:

I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF:

Why the h_! __ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:

He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:

He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:

Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF:

Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:

So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:

Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:

I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:

F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:

I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF:

Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:

I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:

This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:

You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:

Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING:

He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF:

He's a pr_ck.

Thank You

Human Resources

Robin Kok CH

12-29-2004, 05:53 PM

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."

athena

12-30-2004, 02:21 PM

Dear Folks,

Thanks to all of you, my friends, who sent me such important emails in 2003 & 2004.

It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! I'm sure you wish to thank me for the same!

Because of all of you:
I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS
I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer.
I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.
I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.
When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bath tub full of ice.
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.
It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.

But I am positive that all of this is because of the chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will shit on you today! And you will be infected with the Bird Flu!

Robin Kok CH

12-30-2004, 09:10 PM

How Tall Is That Hotel?

An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was. All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this.

The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.

The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.

Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied:
"Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!"

Rayhong

01-01-2005, 03:19 PM

why do witches not wear panties?

better grip on the broom! :D

Rayhong

01-01-2005, 03:38 PM

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Rayhong

01-01-2005, 04:06 PM

heheh this is a good one

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''

Robin Kok CH

01-04-2005, 12:14 PM

Chinese - English

Chinese English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

Ar U Wun Tu: A gay liberation greeting

Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

Dum Gai: A stupid person

Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia: Approach me

Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island

Lao Zi: Not very good

Lin Ching: An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai: A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

athena

01-05-2005, 11:00 AM

An exponential function and a constant function were out walking,
when the constant function suddenly spots a differential operator.

-- Look out, we have to hide, says the constant function.
-- Why? says the exponential function.
-- It that differential operator gets hold of me, he will
differentiate me, and I will vanish.
-- Coward. I am the exponential function. No differential operator can
harm me, says the exponential function, and walks toward the
differential operator.

-- Hello, I am e^x, says the exponential function to the differential
operator.
-- Nice to meet you, smiles the differential operator. I am d/dy.

KoChun

01-05-2005, 11:09 AM

Forgot all my dy/dx thing. All given back to my school teachers. :p

athena

01-05-2005, 11:28 AM

Forgot all my dy/dx thing. All given back to my school teachers. :p
haha...me too can't really understand the joke...but after my coursemate explained to me differential again..then i got it....so any maths teachers out there care to explain?

KoChun

01-05-2005, 11:35 AM

Wait ah, let me check my Form 5 add maths book again.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_72.gif I got it now (as if).

KoChun

01-05-2005, 11:49 AM

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

KoChun

01-05-2005, 11:52 AM

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck....."

Robin Kok CH

01-05-2005, 05:40 PM

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, 'Who is this?'
'This is the maid', answered the woman.
'We don't have a maid!'
'I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.'
'Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'
'Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.'

The guy is fuming.
He says to the maid, 'Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'
'What do I have to do?'
'I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with.'
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone.
'What should I do with the bodies?'
'Throw them in the swimming pool!'
'What pool?'
'Uh.. is this 832-4821?'

BohPian

01-05-2005, 06:47 PM

Two guys and a lady

Two British men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they each took gentlemanly turns with the lady.

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island - the two fought and one killed the other to have the lady.

Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they both had the lady together.

Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they killed the lady to have each other.

Two Australian men and a lady stranded on a desert island both dug until they found COLD beer, drunk and passed out before they get to the lady.

Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island the two are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT.

Top 10 reasons why there are no sex scandals in Singapore...

10. Can't even be naked in own home, how to have sex?

9. Ah Lians don't exactly turn our leaders on.

8. Our leaders are cloned; no need for sex.

7. Hotels in Geylang no longer allowed to rent out rooms by the hour.

6. Sex not one of the 5 C's.

5. Oral sex still illegal in Singapore.

4. SPGs only go for foreigners.

3. Kiasee - don't want to get AIDS

2. Amended Women's Charter can bankrupt adulterous men.

1. And the number one reason why there are no sex scandals...Still confused over condoms and condos.

Robin Kok CH

01-06-2005, 12:22 PM

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
So, Don't Work Overtime!!!

smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Well, It's Your Choice To Be Smart Or Not!!!

athena

01-06-2005, 01:58 PM

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
So, Don't Work Overtime!!!smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Well, It's Your Choice To Be Smart Or Not!!!
robin i think ur joke got some mistake la..

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Pregnancy

Smart Man + Dumb Woman= Affair

Robin Kok CH

01-07-2005, 01:18 PM

modify it as you see fit.... http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_21.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm414YYSG)

Robin Kok CH

01-07-2005, 01:20 PM

A MAN WILL PAY $2 FOR A $1 ITEM HE NEEDS,
A WOMAN WILL PAY $1 FOR A $2 ITEM THAT SHE DOESN'T NEED.
(The theory behind the success of 1.99 shop)

WOMAN WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL SHE GETS A HUSBAND.
A MAN NEVER WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL HE GETS A WIFE.

yee keong

01-07-2005, 03:34 PM

1.SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.

2.COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and gives
you some milk.

3.FASCISM:
You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and sells
you some milk.

4.NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots
you.

5.BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots
one, milks the
other and throws the milk away...

6.TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd
multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them
and retire on the
income.

7.AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other
to produce the
milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the

cow dropped dead.

8.A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows.

9.A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow
cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them
World-Wide.

10.A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live
for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

11.AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

12.A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42
cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of
vodka.

13.A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You
charge others for storing them.

14. A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity,
and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

15.AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

16.A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

17. A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You eat both.

yee keong

01-07-2005, 03:35 PM

Stress Reliever # 1

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,

"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

__________________________________________________ ___

Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

__________________________________________________ _

Stress Reliever # 3

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

__________________________________________________ ___

Stress Reliever # 4

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of
the night?"

Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"

Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

__________________________________________________ ___

Stress Reliever # 5

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

__________________________________________________ ___

Stress Reliever # 6

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

__________________________________________________ ___

Stress Reliever # 7

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered.

"He showed ! up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

Wow! That's a very expensive car. What 's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

__________________________________________________ ___

Stress Reliever # 8

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..

"My father grows beans," said one student.

"My father cooks beans," said another.

Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

__________________________________________________ ___

Stress Reliever # 9

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

yee keong

01-07-2005, 03:36 PM

HER DIARY
>
>
> I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
> I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing
> to do with me and not to worry.
>
>
> On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smile and kept
> driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say,
"I
> love you, too."
>
>
> When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to
> do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant
> and absent.
>
>
> Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I
> decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him
> with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
>
>
> I started crying and cried untill I too fell asleep.
> I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
> someone else.
>
>
> My life is a disaster.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> HIS DIARY
>
>
> Today Man U lost to Arsenal. DAMN IT.

yee keong

01-07-2005, 03:37 PM

> Laught it off fellas...
>
> There is a popular story saying that wherever you go, you will find a
> rajinikanth fans
>
> Rajinikanth was bragging to his Jayalalitha one day, You know, I know
> everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.
> Tired of his boasting, jayalalitha called his bluff, OK, rajini how
> about
> Tom Cruise?
>
> Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. So rajini and
> jayalalitha fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and
> sure
> enough, Tom Cruise shouts, Thalaiva! Great to see you! You and your
> friend
> come right in and join me for lunch! Although impressed, Jayalalitha is
> still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, she tells rajini that
> she
> thinks rajini knowing Cruise was just lucky.
>
> No, no, just name anyone else,rajini says. President Bush, jayalalitha
> quickly retorts. Yes, Rajini says, I know him, let's fly out to
> Washington.
> And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Rajini on the tour and
> motions him , saying,rajini, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
> meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
> coffee
> first and catch up.
>
> Well, jayalalitha is very shaken by now, but still not totally
> convinced.
> After they leave the White House grounds, she expresses his doubts to
> Rajini who again implores her to name anyone else. The Pope,
> Jayalalitha
> replies. Sure! says Rajini . My folks are from Poland, and I've known
> the
> Pope a long time. So off they fly to Rome. Rajini and jayalalitha are
> assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Rajini says, This will
> never work.
>
> I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I
> know
> all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the
> balcony
> with the Pope. And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the
> Vatican.
> Sure enough, half an hour later Rajini emerges with the Pope on the
> balcony.
>
> But by the time Rajini returns, he finds that jayalalitha had a heart
> attack
> and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to jayalalitha' side,
> Rajini asks her, What happened? Jayalalitha looks up and says, I was
> doing
> fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to
> me
> said, Who's that on the balcony with Rajini?

yee keong

01-07-2005, 03:37 PM

> > > > Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
> > > >
> > > > How many men does it take to open a beer?
> > > > None. It should be opened when she brings it.
> > > >
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
> > > > Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
> > > > will probably never be able to support you.
> > >
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> > > > It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
> > > > them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
> > > >
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
> > > > When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
> > > >
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > How do you fix a woman's watch?
> > > > You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> > > >
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Why do men fart more than women?
> > > > Because women can't shut up long enough to
> > > > build up the required pressure.
> > > >
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
> > > > yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
> > > > The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
> > > >
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
> > > > A woman who won't do what she's told.
> > > >
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > I married a Miss Right.
> > > > I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> > > >
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
> > > > a woman's sex drive by 90%.
> > > > It's called a Wedding Cake.
> > > >
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Why do men die before their wives?
> > > > They want to.
> > > >
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Women will never be equal to men until they can
> > > > walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
> > > > gut, and still think they are sexy.
> > > >
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
> > > > Then God created Man and rested.
> > > > Then God created Woman.
> > > > Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

yee keong

01-07-2005, 03:38 PM

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster.Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. Now go have a biscuit...flour is a veggie!

yee keong

01-07-2005, 03:40 PM

ok, i got loads more but i guess i should out working rather than sitting here and copy paste all these jokes in here for your reading pleasure. maybe next time :p

LiLiaN

01-09-2005, 09:50 PM

resolution #1
2002 I will read at least 20 good books a year
2003 I will read 5 books a year
2004 I will finish the pelican brief
2005 I will read some articles in the newspaper this year

resolution #2
2002 I will get my weight below 180lb
2003 I will watch what i eat, I will fall under 190lb
2004 I will follow my new diet religiously under I get below 200lb
2005 I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight

resolution #3
2002 I will not spend my money frivolously
2003 I will pay off my bank loan promptly
2004 I will pay off my bank loans promptly
2005 I will pay the debt interest by 2006

resolution #4
2002 I will work out 5 days a week
2003 I will work out 3 days a week
2004 I will work out twice a week
2005 I will drive past a gym at least once a week

Robin Kok CH

01-10-2005, 09:16 AM

Sherlock Holmes and DR.Watson....

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their
tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me
that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all
powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will
have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

TingMS

01-10-2005, 06:45 PM

7 Habits For Successful People

Habit No. 1
Be Pro-Active:
Kin ka kin chiew (fast leg, fast hand)

Habit No. 2
Begin with the end in mind:
Wu tow wu buay (have head, have tail)

Habit No. 3
First thing first:
Chik hung chik hung lai
Ban ban lai (one thing at a time, slow and steady) or cho tow seng (do first)

Habit No. 4
Think win-win:
Long chong ai yarh (everything want to win)

Habit No. 5
Seek to understand rather than to be understood:
Cho lang ai eh beng pek (you must be understanding)

Habit No. 6
Synergize:
Tai kay ai hup chop (all must cooperate)

Habit No. 7
Sharpen the saw:
Toh bua lai lai (sharpen knife)

:D

athena

01-11-2005, 08:53 AM

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest Zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE
IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT TO CONDITION OF COOL AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
In a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMER WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

In a city restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS
IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED
AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai,Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS
HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER
IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIE D WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
PURPOSE.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

yee keong

01-11-2005, 11:32 AM

> An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St. Peter at
> the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
> bloodcurdling screams.
>
> "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone
> having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
>
> The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
> conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
>
> "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
>
> "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head
> drilled to fit the halo."
>
> "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
>
> "You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."
>
> "Yes, but I've already got the holes for that," says the old lady.

yee keong

01-11-2005, 11:33 AM

FOUR CATHOLIC LADIES

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together,
discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a Priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a
Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,
'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to
put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he
walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard
bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks
into a room, women say, "My God...."

yee keong

01-11-2005, 11:34 AM

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I wan! t to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of
the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called
current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance
repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated.
The others all died".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at
the same time."

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

yee keong

01-11-2005, 11:35 AM

Subject: Oxford Dictionary's latest definition
>
> Just received Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following
words.
> Please update your online dictionary definitions
>
> Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
>
> Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a
> fool on the other.
>
> Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer
> to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of
either"
>
> Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
>
> Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
> believes he got the biggest piece.
>
> Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by
> feminine water power.
>
> Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
into
> a river.
>
> Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway
"See
> I am not injured yet."
>
> Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
>
> Father: A banker provided by nature.
>
> Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
>
> Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
>
> Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence
> after.
>
> Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his
bills

yee keong

01-11-2005, 11:37 AM

> George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.
>
> After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand,
> and the President asks him his name. "Billy!" , "And what is your
question,
> Billy?" "I have three questions:
>
> First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;
>
> Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and
>
> Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
>
>
>
> Just then the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the Kiddies
> that they will continue after recess. When they resumed, The President
says,
> "Okay where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a
question?"
> A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and ask his
> name.
>
> "Steve!" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have five questions:
>
> First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;
>
> Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and
>
> Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
>
> Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and
>
> Fifth - what happened to Billy?"

yee keong

01-11-2005, 11:38 AM

> > A guy wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
> > his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
>glass
> > of water on the side table.
> >
> >
> >
> > He sits down and sees his clothing in front
> > of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it
> > is in a perfect order, spotless clean. And so's the rest of the house.
> >
> >
> > He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey,
> > breakfast is on the stove. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and
>sure
> > enough
> > there is a hot breakfast, fresh newspaper. His son is also at the table,
> > eating.
> >
> > Father : "Son, what happened yesterday?"
> > Son : "Oh, the usual. You came home after 3 am, drunk and
>delirious.
> > Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave mom a
> > black
> > eye."
> > Father : "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and the food is
> > on
> > the table?"
> > Son : "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried
> > to
> > take your pants off you said "Bitch! Leave me alone, I am
> > married!"

yee keong

01-11-2005, 11:40 AM

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters... don't miss the last one!!

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
_______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
___________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
______________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
____________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_____________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_________________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
__________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
__________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law somewhere.

yee keong

01-11-2005, 11:44 AM

>Guys, this is a bit of a read, but trust me it's worth it. It really
depicts
>the difference of the 2 sexes........
>
>
> > This is a true paper:
> >
> > THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE
> >
> >
> > Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
> > Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an
> > American
> > University.
> >
> >
> > "Today we will experiment with a new form of composition called the
tandem
> > story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
> > sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the
> > first
> > paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and
> > then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add
a
> > third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
> >
> > Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the
> > story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you
> > Wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both
> > agree
> > a conclusion has been reached."
> >
> >
> > The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
> >
> > Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
> >
> >
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > ----------------------------------
> >
> > STORY:
> >
> > (first paragraph by Rebecca)
> >
> > At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
> > camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
> > reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
> > liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off
> > Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him
too
> > much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the
> > question.
> >
> > ------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > (second paragraph by Gary)
> >
> > Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now
> > in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
the
> > neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
> > spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,"
he
> > said into his transgalactic communicator "Polar orbit established. No
sign
> > of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish
particle
> > beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo
> > bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
> > across the cockpit.
> >
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > (Rebecca)
> >
> > He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt
one
> > last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had
ever
> > had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
> > hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
> >
> > "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie
> > read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her
and
> > bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the
days
> > had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
> > newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
> > innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose
> > one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > (Gary)
> >
> > Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
> > Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the
> > first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks
> > Who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the
> > congress
> > had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
> > Were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
> > passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
> > carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one
to
> > stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium
> > fusion
> > missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret
> > Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam,
> > felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid,
> > Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist
on
> > the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that
treaty!
> > Let's blow
> > 'em out of the sky!"
> >
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > (Rebecca)
> >
> > This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
> > writing
> > partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
> >
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > (Gary)
> >
> > Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
> > writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
camomile
> > tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm an
air
> > headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
> >
> >
> >
> > (Rebecca)
> >
> > Asshole.
> >
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > (Gary)
> >
> > Bitch.
> >
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > (Rebecca)
> >
> > Wanker.
> >
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > (Gary)
> >
> > Slut.
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > (Rebecca)
> >
> > Get f****d.
> >
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > (Gary)
> >
> > Eat s**t.
> >
> > --------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > (Rebecca)
> >
> > F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
> >
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > (Gary)
> >
> > Go drink some tea - whore.
> >
> >
> >
> > ************************************************** ***********
> >
> > (Teacher)
> >
> > A+ - I really liked this one.

LiLiaN

01-11-2005, 04:14 PM

telegram communication between father and son...

message from son: no fund. no fun. your son.
reply from father: too bad. so sad. your dad.

Robin Kok CH

01-11-2005, 08:28 PM

Smartest Dog

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation, and went home on sick leave.

KoChun

01-12-2005, 12:22 AM

A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.

While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"

She replied, "Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh."

athena

01-12-2005, 10:59 AM

I am hereby officially tendering
my resignation as an adult. I have
decided I would like to accept the
responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think
that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud
puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than
money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and
play doctors and nurses with my friends on
a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was
simple; When all I knew were colors,
multiplication tables, and nursery
rhymes, and it didn't bother me,
because I didn't know what I didn't know and
I didn't care.

All I knew was to be happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worry or upset.
I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is
possible. I want to be oblivious
to the complexities of life and be
overly excited by the little things
again.

I want to live simple again. I
don't want my day to consist of
computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive more days
in the month than there is money in the
bank, gossip, illness,
and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of
smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,
justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So . . . here's my cheque book
and my car-keys, my credit card bills
and my mobile phone. I am officially
resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this
further, you'll have to catch me
first, cause...

......"Tag! You're it."

siewjang

01-12-2005, 12:17 PM

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

siewjang

01-12-2005, 12:18 PM

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,"Because people are sleeping."

Diong_Gar_Loon

01-12-2005, 01:09 PM

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,"Because people are sleeping."
Heard this from a 2 year old kid.

Tomato 1: Can we go now?
Tomato 2: You go first. I ketchup with you later.

athena

01-12-2005, 02:43 PM

> a.. You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have
> that typeface."
>
>
> a.. You set up an automatic rerouting of your e-mail
> to your pager.
>
>
> a.. You get sudden attacks of bittersweet nostalgic
> feelings when thinking
> about your long-lost old Commodore 64, Sinclair
> ZX-81, TRS-80 (or whatever
> hardware you were raised on), and use large amounts
> of money/time trying to
> track one down.
>
>
> a.. You are wearing ten year old spectacles, made of
> steel.
>
>
> a.. You realize you _never_ cook, eating only
> take-away pizza.
>
>
> a.. You check your web access_page more than once a
> day.
>
>
> a.. You seriously consider devoting a web page to
> your computer. (Not the
> brand, mind you, but the actual computer itself)
>
>
> a.. You have more e-mail addresses than you do pairs
> of shoes.
>
>
> a.. You get depressed when you get less than 10
> e-mail msgs a day.
>
>
> a.. You already know what you want to write both
> Master's papers and your
> dissertation about, and you just graduated from
> College.
>
>
> a.. You can discuss the philosophical and physical
> differences among the
> tangos.
>
>
> a.. Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector
> jokes, you still find them
> funny.
>
>
> a.. You plan to get two Masters degrees.
>
>
> a.. You start getting paranoid you aren't getting
> all your e-mail.(If you
> have sent me e-mail, and there seems to be no life
> from me, try again.)
>
>
> a.. Someone asks you what languages you know, and
> you reply Upper Slavic,
> French, Esperanto and C.
>
>
> a.. You spend more than 10 minutes contemplating how
> traffic lights work.
>
>
> a.. You can talk for hours about how, in 25 years,
> the whole country won't
> have E-Mail addresses.
>
>
> a.. You design detailed floorplans before moving all
> of your furniture
> around.
>
>
> a.. You've created a new variety of rose.
>
>
> a.. If anyone has said to you: "You are Jhayden?!?!
> I see you on the Vax all
> the time!" (Insert the appropirate substitutions, as
> appropriate.)
>
>
> a.. You set up your own newsgroup.
>
>
> a.. If you know the correct pronunciation of Tex,
> Linux, and TCL.
>
>
> a.. If you paid $6000 for your computer and $500 for
> your car.
>
>
> a.. There's a newsgroup dedicated to you because of
> your netly activities.
>
>
> a.. Someone mentions the Q Continuum, and you know
> what that means.
>
>
> a.. You seriously consider scanning in a picture of
> a squirrel, just to bug
> Maryam. (Got the nice picture; am using it for
> blackmail.)
>
>
> a.. You get really excited that your mixer has a
> dough hook.
>
>
> a.. Everyone in the neighborhood brings you (to)
> their computers to figure
> out what is wrong.
>
>
> a.. You can hold detailed technical conversations in
> a second language.
>
>
> a.. You are on the Obscure Software and Computer
> Crap Junk Mailing Lists
>
>
> a.. You can explain how AppleTalk Networks work.
>
>
> a.. Sleep and nightime are no longer irrevocably
> linked
>
>
> a.. You arrange to get e-mail access no matter where
> you go.
>
>
> a.. WAIS is your life.
>
>
> a.. You walk past a Con and people know who you are.
>
>
> a.. You have a definite philosphy of stacking wood
> for fires.
>
>
> a.. You hear the word "Scuzzy" and the first thing
> you think of is not an
> adjective.
>
>
> a.. You went to a high school where the only team
> with a winning record was
> the Chess team.
>
>
> a.. You rig up elaborate mechanisms to do really
> basic tasks.
>
>
> a.. You know about USENET cultures in groups you
> don't even read.
>
>
> a.. You put your pathfinder on the web
>
>
> a.. You get REALLY excited when people from
> countries with limited access to
> the 'net are frequent visitors to your pages.
>
>
> a.. You don't hand in final papers unless they've
> been formatted on a
> desktop publishing program.
>
>
> a.. You write web pages about your web pages.
>
>
> a.. Your favorite part of Geometry was proving
> theorems.

athena

01-13-2005, 09:20 AM

Understanding Engineers - Take One
> >
> > Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
> > "Where did you get such a great bike?"
> >
> > The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
> > minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike."
> > She threw the
> >
> > bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said "Take what you
> > want."
> >
> > The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
> > probably wouldn't have fit."
> >
> > ~~
> >
> > Understanding Engineers - Take Two
> >
> > To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
> > is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs
> > to be.
> >
> > ~~~~~
> >
> > Understanding Engineers - Take Three
> >
> > A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
> > particularly slow group of golfers.
> >
> > The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
> > for 15 minutes!"
> >
> > The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
> > ineptitude! Let's have a word with him. Hi George! Say, what's with
> > that group ahead of
> > us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
> >
> > The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
> > firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
> > last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
> >
> > The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I
> > think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
> >
> > "The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
> > ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
> >
> > The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
> >
> > ~~
> >
> > Understanding Engineers - Take four
> >
> > What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
> > Engineers?
> >
> > Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
> >
> > ~~
> >
> > Understanding Engineers - Take Five
> >
> > The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
> > graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
> > graduate with an
> > Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an
> > Arts
> > degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
> >
> > ~~
> >
> > Understanding Engineers - Take Six
> >
> > Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
> > possible designers of the human body.
> >
> > One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
>
> > Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
> > has
> >
> > many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said,
> > "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a
> > toxic waste pipeline
> > through a recreational area?"
> > ~~
> > Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
> >
> > Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
> > believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
> >
> > ~~
> > Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
> >
> > An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
>
> > better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
> >
> > The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
> > foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed
> > time
> >
> > with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
> >
> > The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?", the others said.
> >
> > "Yeah" he said, "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
> > assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
> > the lab and
> > get some work done."
> >
> > ~~
> >
> > Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
> >
> > An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
> > and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
> > bent over,
> > picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again
> > and
> > said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I
>will
> >
> > stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his
> > pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket. The frog then
> > cried out, "If
> > you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and
>do
> > ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at
>it,
> > and
> > put it back into his pocket.
> >
> > Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
> > beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a week and do anything
> > you want. Why
> > won't you kiss me?"
> >
> > The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
> > girl
> > friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

yee keong

01-13-2005, 10:15 AM

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

yee keong

01-13-2005, 10:16 AM

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

athena

01-14-2005, 11:22 AM

When she was pregnant....!!! When she was pregnant....!!!
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now...

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet,takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him. She says...'Awww, honey you're so depressed... Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight. But remember that this happens only once... Ok?...Don't think about it or ask me to do this again.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars..."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch... When she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I only charged him fifty..."

siewjang

01-14-2005, 11:43 AM

SUBJEK : Sejarah

1. Siapakah ketua tentera Portugis yang menyerang Melaka pada tahun 1511?
A: Alfonso D' Albuquequer
B: Albontot D' Abukaki
C: Al apobondo nih
D: Al..Al..Alpa romeo

2. Apakah isi kandungan didalam perjanjian Pangkor?
A: Tidak buleh sekodeng anak dara mandi.
B: Isterimu, isteriku jua, isteriku.. isterikulah.
C: Semua awek dalam Pangkor adalah milik ketua kampung.
D: Semua orang boleh tempeleng ketua kampung.

3. Siapakah pegawai British di Sarawak?
A: James Brook
B: James Beruk
C: Jem Tat Nenas
D: James Bond Tot

4. Kenapa Hang Jebat mengamuk?
A: Kerana mengetahui Hang Tuah mati dibunuh Soltan.
B: Aweknya dikebas datuk bendahara.
C: Kalah main takraw dengan anak buah Hang Kebun.
D: Terlalu meminati Bandi Amuk, sebab tu la mengamuk.

5. Siapakah nama isteri Parameswara?
A: Parameswari
B: Parameswaja
C: Pramugari
D: Pramugara terlampau

siewjang

01-14-2005, 11:44 AM

SUBJEK : Ekonomi Asas

1. Tiga perkara keperluan manusia, apakah keperluan itu?
A: makan, rumah dan pakaian.
B: makan, awek dan uwang.
C: bini, bini orang dan anak dara orang.
D: Rokok, korok dan korokmu.

2. Namakan sejenis sistem pertukaran barang.
A: Sistem Barter
B: Sistem batu bata
C: Sistem kasut Bata
D: Sistem Marjerin dan butter

3. Ketidakseimbangan wang akan berlakunya apa?
A: Nilai dolar lebih tinggi berbanding wang lain.
B: Nilai dollah akan jatuh kerana tak bekerja.
C: Nilai, Negeri Sembilan tiada pengunjung.
D: Nilai nilai murni diterapkan didalam PLKN.

4. Apakah ciri Sistem Kapitalis?
A: Duitmu duitku jua, duitku duit untuk biniku.
B: Semua orang perlu bersedekah ke masjid.
C: Makan dulu, baru bayar.
D: Selalu mengamalkan dasar pinjam wang bayar hutang.

5. Kumpulan manakah yang menguruskan kewangan pekerja?
A: Kumpulan Search
B: Kumpulan KRU
C: Kumpulan Kekanak Spastik
D: Kumpulan Wang Simpanan Pekerja.

Hak Cipta.. Prof. ResQ Serba Tau 2005

LiLiaN

01-16-2005, 11:12 AM

Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were..

The first says, "I tell you, my wife was so stupid. Last week she bought $300 worth of meat from the supermarket because it was on sale, and we didn't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a car and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blonde guy, nods sagely and agrees that both women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and hit every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it" he chuckles. "Last week my wife left for a vacation in Greece. I watched her packing her bag and she must have had at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"

Robin Kok CH

01-17-2005, 02:45 PM

Boss
----
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Criminal
--------
A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Diplomat
--------
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually
look forward to the trip.

Doctor
------
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Consultant
----------
Person who con and insult his client and still get paid by the
client for doing it.

Experience
----------
The name men give to their mistakes.

Father
------
A banker provided by nature.

Marriage
--------
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman
gains her master's.

Miser
-----
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Rumour
-----
News that travels at the speed of sound.(Facts that we can't deny)

Tears
-----
The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine
power.

Worry
-----
Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Yawn
----
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

siewjang

01-24-2005, 01:45 PM

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder..
"What the hell was I thinking?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you .
I've changed my mind.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

-- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

------------------------------

Robin Kok CH

01-25-2005, 12:30 PM

Buford goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've gotta help me. I've
got a serious bowel problem! I ate apples, apples come out. I ate bananas,
bananas come out."

The doctor says, "It's easy. Eat shit."

athena

01-27-2005, 12:43 PM

competition was recently held to find out the most embarrassing
> moments in people's lives. The following are the final three
> place getters:
>
> Third Place
> It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
> home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
> girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
> after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.
> I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her piggyback ride to the
phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get
dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on
and
a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!".
> My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my
> friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen to the
spot
> in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an
eternity.
> Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
>
>
>
>
> Second Place
> While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
> some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to
> grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other
> patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right
now,
> she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in
a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will
tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's Pee-pee last night!"
> The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
> tellers stopped what they were doing!
> I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
> with my daughter in tow.
> The last thing that I heard, as the door closed behind me was the
screams
of laughter.
>
>
> And the Winner Is.....
> This one actually happened at Harvard University.
> In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high
> glucose levels found in semen.
> A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand
> what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in
sugar?"
> "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much
> statistical data.
> Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't
> it taste sweet?".
> After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
> girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently
said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and
walked out
of the class.
> However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply Was a
> classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It
doesn't,
> taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of
your
> tongue and not in the back of your throat!"

Robin Kok CH

01-28-2005, 11:42 AM

Which city in the world is trying to get rid of its mad people?

Ans: Madrid

athena

02-03-2005, 02:37 PM

> step 1:
> go to <
http://www.google.com.my/language_tools?hl=en >
>
> step 2:
> enter the following line into the translate textbox:
> my mom is nice and cool
>
> step 3:
> translate from english to spanish.
>
> step 4:
> copy the translated text, and translate it back from
> spanish to
> english.
>

Linkinfark

02-03-2005, 06:05 PM

Sandals

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace, looking at the wide assortment of goods, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper, with a Jamaican accent say, "Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So, the couple walked in.

The shopkeeper said, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals upon hearing the claims, but her husband felt he really didn't need them.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of he Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on dee wrong feet, mon, you got dem on the dee wrong feet!"

athena

02-04-2005, 04:09 PM

* Pub etiquette
The crucial thing here is the "round" system, in which each participant takes turns to "shout" an order. To the outsider, this may appear casual; you will not necessarily be told it's your round and other participants may appear only too happy to substitute for you. But make no mistake, your failure to "put your hand in your pocket" will be noticed.
People will mention it the moment you leave the room. The reputation will follow you to the grave, where after it will attach to your offspring and possibly theirs as well. In some cases, it may become permanently enshrined in a family nickname.

* Woolly jumpers
Ireland produces vast quantities of woolen knitwear and, under a US/Irish trade agreement, visitors to Ireland may not return home without a minimum of two sweaters, of which one at least must be predominantly green. Airline staff may check that you have the required documentation before you are allowed to disembark.

Note: under no circumstances will you see an Irish person wearing a woolen jumper. These jumpers are worn solely by Tourists to identify them.

* Irish people and the weather
It is often said that the Irish are a Mediterranean people who only come into their own when the sun shines on consecutive days (which it last did around the time of St Patrick). For this reason, Irish people dress for conditions in Palermo rather than Dublin; and it is not unusual in March to see young people sipping cool beer outside city pubs and cafes, enjoying the air and the soft caress of hailstones on their skin.

The Irish attitude to weather is the ultimate triumph of optimism over experience: Every time it rains, we look up at the sky and are shocked and betrayed. Then we go out and buy a new umbrella.

* Ireland has two time-zones
(1) Greenwich Mean Time and (2) "local" time.
Local time can be anything between ten minutes and three days behind GMT, depending on the position of the earth and the whereabouts of the man with the keys to the hall. Again, the Irish concept of time has been influenced
by the thinking of 20th century physicists, who hold that it can only be measured by reference to another body and can even be affected by factors like acceleration.

For instance, a policeman entering a licensed premises in rural Ireland late at night is a good example of another body from whom it can be reliably inferred that it is fact closing time. When this happens, acceleration is the advised option. shockingly, the relativity argument is still not accepted as a valid defense in
the Irish courts.

* Traditional music
Many visitors to Ireland make the mistake of thinking of traditional music as mere entertainment. In some parts of Ireland this may even be an accurate impression. However, in certain fundamentalist strongholds such as Clare, traditional music is founded in a strict belief system which has been handed on from generation to generation. This is overseen by bearded holy men, sometimes called "Mullahs", who ensure that the music is played in accordance with laws laid down in the 5th century.
Under this system, "bodhran players" are required to cover their faces in public.
Other transgressions, such as attempting to play guitar in a traditional session, are punishable by the loss of one or both hands.

A blind eye may be turned to the misbehavior of foreigners, but it's best not to push it.

* Irish Dancing
There are two main kinds of Irish dancing: (1) Riverdance, which is now simultaneously running in every major city in the world, and which some economists believe is responsible for the Irish economic boom; and (2) real Irish dancing, in which men do not wear frilly blouses and you still may not express yourself, except in a written note to the adjudicators.

* The wearing of the green
Strangely enough, Irish people tend to wear everything except green, which is associated with too many national tragedies, including 1798, the Famine and the current Irish rugby team. It's possible that green just
doesn't suit the Irish skin colour, which is generally pale blue (see Weather).

* Gaelic games
St Patrick's Day brings the climax of the club championships in Gaelic games, which combine elements of the American sports of gridiron and baseball but are played with an intensity more associated with Mafia turf wars. The two main games are "football" and "hurling", the chief difference being that in football, the fights are unarmed. There is also "camogie," which is like hurling, except that in fights the hair may be pulled as well.

* Schools rugby
St Patrick's Day also brings the finals in schools rugby, a game based around the skills of wrestling, kicking, gouging, ear-biting, and assaults on other vulnerable body parts. The game is much prized in Ireland's better schools, where it's seen as an ideal grounding for careers in business and the law. It is well-known that St.Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland. Less publicized is that he also banished kangaroos, polar bears and Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs, all of which were regarded as nuisances by the early Irish Christians.

* Signposting
In most countries, road signs are used to help motorists get from one place to another. In Ireland, it's not so simple. Sign-posting here is heavily influenced by Einstein's theories (either that or the other way round) of space/time, and works on the basis that there is no fixed reference point in the universe, or not west of Mullingar anyway.
Instead, location and distance may be different for every observer and, frequently, for neighbouring road-signs.

* The good news is Language
Ireland is officially bilingual, a fact which is reflected in the road-signs. This allows you to get lost in both Irish and English. Useful phrases include "Pog mo Thon" (pronounced Poge mu hone ) which translates to "You are very welcome" and Amadán ( Pronounced Om-a-dawn) which is a shortened version of Thank You.

* Clothes
Visitors to Ireland in mid-March often ask: What clothes should I bring?
The answer is: All of them!

* Religion
Ireland remains a deeply religious country, with the two main denominations being "us" and "them". In the unlikely event you are asked which group you belong to, the correct answer is: "I'm an atheist, thank God". Then change the subject

LiLiaN

02-04-2005, 04:30 PM

hehehe ath, good one... now the clarification...

pub etiquette - doing the round is vital, especially among guys... girls are lucky, we tend to get our drinks for free... :)

woolly jumpers - not sure about the US/Irish trade agreement but any old uncles and aunties from the countryside (i.e. boggers) DO wear woolly jumpers, in fact, they love it so much they wear it for 7 days consecutively (hence the "ordour").....

irish people and weather - it is common to see even girls in miniskirts and barebacks in winter!!! and yes, you'd think they would have learned that it rains nearly 300 days in a year and bring brolly with them at all time, but not... they prefer new brollies.. (then again, it is so windy many umbrellas turn inside out and look like they belong to mary poppins after too many use!)

irish time zones - mainly, it's local time... if you're meeting irish, tell them to meet at a time about half an hour ahead of your planned time...

traditional music - don't worry, the bodhran players have been liberated.. hip hip hurray! but you still won't see a guitar in an authentic irish music session...

irish dancing - it's really meant for little girls who like colourful costumes that cost an arm and a leg in my opinion...

the wearing of green - no one wears green except on paddy's day...

gaelic games - played by only irish and unlike other sports, these poor people don't get paid, have day job like everyone else, but ended up being whacked like mad... a game best reserved for only the irish and no one else... not unless you like being whacked by a stick bigger than that for hockey game over your head 100 times per match.... :D

school's rugby - really? i think rugby is only for the snobbish irish...

signposting - west of ireland signposts will all be in irish, elsewhere, let me see... i observed this last week following introduction of kph instead of using mph... first sign 60kph, about 200m down the road 80kph, further 200m it was 100kph... ah well... irish... even more ambition project in dublin - every junction has a junction number...!

the good news is language - neh, they don't welcome nor thanks anyone anymore....

clothes - bring all your clothes!

religion - lots of catholics, but they have no qualm about joining me for CNY dinner full of meat dishes on ash wednesday next week... any question? :D

athena

02-04-2005, 04:40 PM

thanks LIL for the clarification !! :D

siewjang

02-25-2005, 11:17 AM

INTERVIEW REJECTS

Story I
E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u!
C: Why?
E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.

Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider. This personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!

Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

Story IV
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.

Story V
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshoper"!(Job hoper lah!)

Story VI
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is
dealing with money and you will seduce.

Story VII
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich.He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't Even want
to employ you, neither do we!
C: But,...... there is no position in his company.
E: Then,..... what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness. Will affect our managers'working spirits.
C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested In you!!

dreamwh

03-09-2005, 03:57 PM

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Diong_Gar_Loon

03-11-2005, 09:06 AM

Ted is 7-yr old and he's very bad in essay writing.

One day the teacher asked the class to write a 500-word essay base on any
title they like.Ted thought real hard and finally he started his essay:

Titled: Composition - my lost cat

One day i lost my kitty, i went out to the street n started calling:
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty

kitty kitty..." but she never comes back, that's how i lost my cat.

(510 words)

Robin Kok CH

03-11-2005, 07:23 PM

Judge to defendant: "Aren't you ashamed, coming here for the third time?"
Defendant: "Well, you come every day."

siewjang

03-14-2005, 03:36 PM

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. Why so little, she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said,Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.

The woman thought about this, but decided she had the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, New house, New madam.

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that's really not so bad.When her two teenage daughters & returned from school the bird saw them and said, ;New house, new madam, new girls. The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith".

KoChun

03-14-2005, 04:10 PM

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith".
Ooooppppssss.....

siewjang

03-14-2005, 04:28 PM

Better becareful hor, KoChun. If only dog could talk :cool:

03-15-2005, 02:51 PM

Just got this from my email.. Dun know if this joke has been posted or not:

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the Wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: always keep your CONDOMS in your CAR...:D

siewjang

03-15-2005, 02:55 PM

roflllllllllll

siewjang

03-15-2005, 03:16 PM

To Ah Lian,
Your beautiful face no fight,
Silky hair everybody like,
Your horse figure no horse run,
Big big eyes, small small mouth, cannot tahan,
One word, marry wife follow wife, marry cat follow cat,
You go there, I go there.
If you are the moon, I'm the star beside you.
If you are a flower, I'm the leave of your flower,
When you exercise, I'm your sweat at the armpit,
If you are shit, I'm the fly,
When you are bathing, I'm the soap,
To sky mountain sea corner,
You are my woman this lifetime.
From Ah Beng

Pagehong

03-17-2005, 01:13 AM

There was this High profile lawyer who had just bought his dream BMW. One day as he was getting out of his car after parking, an 18 wheeler drove past at high speed and took off his still open car door. Boy! he was mad. He ranted and raved till a cop stopped by. Cop asked who he was and asked what had happened. That got him off on another tirade " That bloody stupid truck driver has no @#@&*$%^ sense!!! He ripped off my @#$^&#$ car door!!

The cop shouted at him "Oi ! I can't believe you lawyers!!! You are so worked up about your car door you did not realise that the truck took off your arm!"

The lawyer looked down and saw that he has lost his right arm and he screamed in horror "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!!!! MY ROLEX!"

Alkapocino

03-17-2005, 01:21 AM

There was this High profile lawyer who had just bought his dream BMW. One day as he was getting out of his car after parking, an 18 wheeler drove past at high speed and took off his still open car door. Boy! he was mad. He ranted and raved till a cop stopped by. Cop asked who he was and asked what had happened. That got him off on another tirade " That bloody stupid truck driver has no @#@&*$%^ sense!!! He ripped off my @#$^&#$ car door!!

The cop shouted at him "Oi ! I can't believe you lawyers!!! You are so worked up about your car door you did not realise that the truck took off your arm!"

The lawyer looked at down and saw that he has lost his right arm and he screamed in horror "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!!!! MY ROLEX!"
And then the lawyer died. At his funeral, his secretary asked: "How come he is still wearing his ROLEX, I thought it's gone in the accident"? The mother replied: "That one ciplak one". :wacko:

PreciousPearl

03-17-2005, 01:27 AM

go to www.freetranslation.com
type in "our skills embrace many areas" and klik freetranslation to French, then cut/copy and translate back from Flench to Inglish

PreciousPearl

03-17-2005, 08:55 PM

A car broke down at a busy junction, blocking the way through for everyone else. The driver got out, opened the bonnet and tried to fix the car. In true Simpang Ampat style, after 2 nanoseconds, another driver started to beep his horn incessantly at the broken down car. The driver of the broken down car put up with the annoying sound for a few minutes while trying to fix the engine. The sound of the horn became continuous as the other driver showed his growing impatience. Finally the driver of the broken down car lost his patience, walked across to the other driver and said, "Friend, u help me fix my car and I help you press the horn, OK?"

And the moral of the story is: Get AA membership - starts at only £40.

fishboy

03-18-2005, 10:29 AM

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted by St. Peter, who says, “Heaven is
so full that we have to give you an entrance exam to come in.”
Forrest replies, “I shore hope it isn’t too hard. I’m not very good at tests.”
St. Peter says: “First question, how many days in the week begin with T and what are
they?”
Forrest answers: “Well two, today and tomorrow.”
“That isn’t quite what I had in mind but, I’ll give it to you.” St. Peter said. “Ok, the next
question: how many seconds are there in a year?”
Forrest thought for a minute and said, “Well, I reckon there are twelve. January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd . . .”
St. Peter put up his hand. “Well, not the answer I was looking for, but it is correct so I’ll
have to give that one to you also. Ok, final question: What is God’s first name?”
“Well, that’s easy. It’s Howard.”
“Howard? How in Heaven did you come up with Howard?”
“You know, ‘Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name.’”

siewjang

03-18-2005, 11:39 AM

Haha, very funny.

(what/who is Howard? :o )

jerrychoo2004

03-18-2005, 12:40 PM

oh gosh i have spend 2 hours browsing tru all the jokes :o

siewjang

03-18-2005, 02:10 PM

So which one you like best?

jerrychoo2004

03-18-2005, 02:42 PM

siewjang

03-18-2005, 02:52 PM

We don't want to do your homework. Let us know the posting #.

athena

03-18-2005, 03:05 PM

almost all :D
just one or 2 i don really get the joke...bah no time to look back again...maybe later i ask u all what it means,,...ahhh i remember
the d/dy joke...what it mean?...it was posted by athena
jerry, i'm surprised u dun understand the d/dy joke. hey, i rmbr'd u passing me ur calculus textbook back in uni le....should know la....rmbr...hahaha...Mahat Bin Ayem's @B.A.Mahat(his nama glamour) class..

jerrychoo2004

03-18-2005, 04:00 PM

zzzz i have tried my best but my brain doesn't seem to work :squeeze:
i am good at calculus but i am no good at jokes
really need help here :worried:

athena

03-18-2005, 04:03 PM

aiyo..ok...e.g
d(x^2+x+1)/dx=2x+1..correct?

but what if
d(x^2+x+1)/dy=?

get the answer to this, you would understand the joke liao

jerrychoo2004

03-18-2005, 04:34 PM

ahhh...the answer is 0 right?
now i get it :cheesy:
gosh i am not stupid afterall

vicky boy

03-18-2005, 04:35 PM

Scenario:
A japanese businessman came to malaysia for a business trip, upon going back from his hotel in Putrajaya to KLIA for his flight back to Japan on a Typical red and white city cab.

Conversation between the Japanese man and the indian taxi driver.

Driver : Where to sir?
Jap : i Want to go to KLIA.
Driver : ok sir.
(on the way to the airport a Supra overtook the taxi with its top speed.)
Jap : wah!!! lok at the car... Toyota Supra..... made in Japan, Veri fast.
(driver look at his Proton iswara and knock his head, and another car over took him again with high speed.)
Jap : aiyo yoo... honda Integra.... made in japan.... veri fast veri fast...
(before the taxi driver could say anything another car pass by his car...)
Jap : Nissan Skyline..... twin turbo, made in Japan veri fast, veri fast......

(driver kept silence cos he have nothing to say.....)
When they arive at KLIA, Taxi driver told the jap guy the fare is RM500.00..... Jap guy got a shock and ask again.... The taxi driver reply in very strong indian tone, "oh its Ringit Malaysia five hundred sir... Taxi meter made in japan, veri fast veri fast sir...."

euj

03-18-2005, 06:36 PM

this one's timely since MJ is in court, but a little off colour...
when do the kids at Neverland know it's time to go to bed?

the big hand touches the small hand... :)

PreciousPearl

03-19-2005, 05:27 AM

3 cina apek went to construction site to find work.
The mandur asked #1, "What can u do?"
#1:"Bricklayer."
So he was sent to built a wall.
The mandur asked #2,"What bout u?"
#2:"Carpenter."
So he was sent to make scaffolding and formwork.
#3 stood looking round, then said to the mandur, "I have a universiti degree, I don't want to be labourer."
The mandur said, "OK, you can work in ofis in charge of supplies. I have to go the company HQ. You make sure everyone on site has supplies so that they can carry on working all day."
Off he went for a few hours. When he came back, #1 and #2 were sitting around drinking tea.
The mandur shouted, "Oi! Why u stop working hah?"
#1: "No more bricks or sand or cement."
#2: "The wood and nails all finish oredy, no more so I stop work."
The mandur was v angry and stomped to his ofis but it was dark and empty.
"Where is that lousy £$%^&** uni graduate? I told him to make sure everyone has enough materials."
As he closed the door #3 leapt out at him, turned on the light, gave him a hig hug and shouted, "SUPPLIES!"

Fishingman

03-19-2005, 12:56 PM

One Day Deep In The Congo......

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a hole in a big tree.

She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In shock and pain she screamed at Tarzan, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Have to always check for squirrels."

KoChun

03-19-2005, 12:58 PM

Fishingman, so, got squirrels ah? Don't bother to answer. :p

Fishingman

03-19-2005, 01:08 PM

Fishingman, so, got squirrels ah? Don't bother to answer. :p

Go ask tarzan-lah, don't forget to cover your back in case he decided to check for squirrels ah? :eek:

Diong_Gar_Loon

03-31-2005, 08:20 AM

Best joke in a competition organized in Britain.

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition
organized in Britain.

A MBA holder and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and
fell
asleep. Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend, "Look up at
the sky and tell me what you see.".

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars.".
The Engineer asks "What does that tell you?".

The MBA ponders for a minute :
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that
Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past
three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?".

The Engineer friend is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent.".

PS: No offense to MBA holders.

WitchKing

03-31-2005, 08:59 AM

Subject: P Ramlee dan adik beradik :)

Buat renungan semua?

Siapa tak kenal P Ramlee? Dia pelakon, penyanyi, komposer, pengarah,pelawak, penulis skrip, etc.

Dia Seniman Agung. Semua orang tahu itu.

Tapi tahukah anda P Ramlee adalah anak ke-16 daripada 26 adik beradik? Tiga daripadanya adalah artis. Inilah hasil kajian sepuluh tahun yang dijalankan oleh Prof Dr Ghazali Faizul, seorang pakar sejarah.

Berikut adalah nama adik-beradiknya: A Ramlee, B Ramlee, C Ramlee, D Ramlee, E Ramlee, F Ramlee, G Ramlee, H Ramlee, I Ramlee, J Ramlee, K Ramlee, L Ramlee, M Ramlee, N Ramlee, O Ramlee, P Ramlee, Q Ramlee, R Ramlee, S Ramlee, T Ramlee, U Ramlee, V Ramlee, W Ramlee, X Ramlee, Y Ramlee, dan Z Ramlee.

Yang sempat rakam album dan jadi artis adalah: A Ramlee, L Ramlee, M Ramlee dan P Ramlee. Beliau juga ada 3 anak saudara, dimana dua daipada mereka bergiat dalam bidang music iaitu Ramli M.S dan Ramli Sarip. Manakala seorang terlibat dalam bidang perniagaan.. iaitu Ramli Burger.

Sekian terima kasih.

Voon Chan

03-31-2005, 09:05 AM

Nazlan, banyak kelentong!

Robin Kok CH

04-01-2005, 05:59 PM

Yo, GL, your post #139 is about the same as mine, see post #73

WitchKing

04-07-2005, 02:45 PM

MATINYA SEORANG MAT REMPIT

Pada suatu hari, seorang mamat namanya Fairus Nasirin (bukan nama sebenar)bercadang nak pegi beli rokok ... oleh kerana transport die cume moto jer.. die pon pegi la naik moto jer. Tapi mamat ni ade satu hobi.. die ni suke beno bawak moto lelaju.
Walaupon jarak kedai tu 100 meter jer dari umah die.

Maka si fairus nasirin ni pon memulakan la pejalanan untuk ke kedai.
Sebelum kuar dr umah, mak die pesan, "Fairus,, bawak moto bebaik. mak rase tak sedap ati jer la ..."
Fairus pon menjawab, "Ala mak ni .. Fairus
kan superman, takkan ader paper nyer.. lagipon, Fairus cume nak gi kedai sebelah tu jer, kannyer jauh sgt pon.."

Mak die pon menjawab."Suke ati ko lah Fairus..".

Kunci moto pon dipulas... vrommmmm (bunyi moto Fairus) dengan gaya supermannyer fairus bergerak dr umah..

Tiba2 sampai di suatu selekoh, seekor beruk yang tah dari maner muncul nyer menyergah Fairus.. apa lagi terp! eranjat beruk la si Fairus.. maka dia hilang kawalan ke atas moto nyer dan menyebabkan die terlanggar tiang lampu berdekatan.. maka Fairus pon jatuh terpelanting.. dan tidak sedarkan diri.

Secara kebetulan seorang pakcik lalu di jalan tersebut.. pakcik itu sungguh terkejut.. kerana
melihat seekor beruk sedang cube mencurik helmet si Fairus .. lalu pakcik itu menghalau beruk tuh.. tetapi helmet itu tidak dapat diselamatkan..
kerana telah dibawa lari. Lalu pakcik tu pun pergi kepada Fairus dan memeriksa jantung dan nadi si Fairus.."Uihh nampaknye idup lagi budak ni.."

Tapi alangkah terkejutnya pakcik itu apabila mendapati kepala Fairus sudah terpusing 180 darjah. dan tanpa bertanya dan berpikir ape-ape pakcik tu pon terus membetulkan semula kepala Fairus dengan menghentap balik ke 180 darjah.. tibe-tibe pakcik itu mendapati Fairus tidak bernafas lagi..
Rupe-rupenye.. korang nak tau? Fairus memakai jeket kulitnye terbalik.. so memang la kepala die cam pusing ke belakang..

Maka dengan tidak bersalahnya Fairus mati di tangan pakcik tersebut..

Moral citer nie: jangan pakai jaket terbalik... itu jer.. he...he...he...

KoChun

04-07-2005, 02:50 PM

Superman pakai seluar dalam di luar. Kira terbalik kah?

WitchKing

04-07-2005, 03:00 PM

Superman pakai seluar dalam di luar. Kira terbalik kah?

actually dat one kira flamboyan....

Alkapocino

04-07-2005, 03:35 PM

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti ...two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Alkapocino

04-07-2005, 04:09 PM

Cerita ini berlaku dalam tahun 1997 di bandar Kuala Terengganu
Dipendekkan cerita... datanglah dua orang lelaki mat salleh (seorang
berkulit putih dan seorang lagi negro)ke bandar Kuala Terengganu untuk
menikmati keindahan negeri Terengganu sempena dengan Tahun Melawat
Terengganu 1997. Setelah tiga hari mereka berada di Kuala Terengg
mereka pergi ke Pasar Kedai Payang untuk membeli telur untuk makan tengahari.

Di Pasar Kedai Payang...
mat saleh : i want to by an eggs...
penjual : mender?? (apa?)
mat saleh : eggs...eggs...i want eggs..
penjual : nok mender?? mak cik dok fahang nih..
mat saleh : egggsss....eggsss...
penjual : mak cik katerr dok fahang...dok fahang ahh..

Oleh kerana terlalu berang dengan mak cik (penjual) yang tidak faham
english maka, mat saleh (kulit putih) telah menunjukkan 'telurnya'
kepada mak cik tadi..

penjual : ooo..kabo lah nak beli telurr...

Mak Cik itu pun bagi lerr telur kat mat saleh dua owanng tadik.
Oleh kerana terlalu lapar dan terlalu berang dengan peristiwa di Pasar
Kedai Payang tadik...maka mat saleh dua owang tu pun makan dengan
banyaknya tengahari tu. Nak dijadikan cerita..telur yang mereka beli
tadik punn habiss dan mat saleh (kulit putih) pun menyuruh negro pulak
pegi beli telur kerana dia dah tak sanggup lagi nak mengahadapi mak cik
tadi.
Maka dengan berat hati
negro tu pun pergilah beli telur kat Pasar Kedai Payang ngan mak cik
tadi.

negro : i want to buy an eggs...eggs..
penjual : menda?? menda?? nak beli menda??
negro : eggs...egss...eggsssss...

Tiba-tiba negro tu pun teringat lerrr masa dia ngan kawan dia beli telur
tadik.
Dengan penuh yakin dan 'konfidennya' negro tersebut menunjukkan
'telurnya' kepada mak cik penjual telur.

Maka dengan penuh yakin dan 'konfidennya' juga mak cik penjual telur tu
pun memberikan telur masin (telur yang dibalut dengan campuran tanah
liat dan arang)kepada negro tersebut. Apa lagi... tergezut beruklah
negro tadik kerana telur yang dibelinya tidak sama dengan telur yang dia
dan kawan dia beli tadi....muakakakakakaka...

Pesanan Penaja :
"Benda Yang Serupa Tak Semestinya Sama"

PreciousPearl

04-08-2005, 04:45 AM

1. The Art of Complaining by Mona Lott
2. Deep Sea Fishing by Halle Butt
3. The Triumph by Vic Tree
4. Chinese Golf by Ho Lin Wun
5. Fugitive from Justice by Des Prado
6. The Devil in Me by S. A. Tan
7. From Hydrocarbons to High Street Fashion by Polly Ester
8. Why Buildings Don’t Fall Down by Angie Nearing
9. The Journey Begins by Sally Forth
10. The Morons by E. D. Otic
11. Where the Books Are by Lye Bree
12. Flowers in a Drought by Will Ting
13. The Frog’s Son by Tad Pole
14. How to Make New Friends by Greg Arius and Amy Able
15. Jezebel by Sheesa Minks
16. Time to Pupate by Chris Ellis
17. Take Good Care of Your Teeth by Pearl E. White
18. The Cherubs by N. Jelic
19. Personal Motivation by Ivan Tuwin
20. Modern Opthalmology by Seymour Clearly (this one Captain Caveman's sole contribution to the forum, OK?)
21. Further Education by Dip Lomer
22. Clumsiness by Mal Adroit
23. Pedestrians Crossing by Jay Walker
24. Advanced Mathematics by L. Gebra
25. Vote for Me by Polly Ticks
26. Frostbite by N. de Winter
27. Meeting St Peter by Pearl E. Gates
28. Dual Polarity by Mag Netics
29. A Brief History of Salem by Berne de Hagges
30. Volcanoes by E. Ruption

WitchKing

04-12-2005, 04:35 PM

SENYUM PAGI JEMAAT

Karam Singh Walia Melaporkan Utk Tv3

Salam sejahtera,
"Satu kajian menunjukkan kaum wanita lebih gagah daripada lelaki
kerana mampu membawa dua buah gunung, kaum lelaki hanya mampu membawa dua biji telur, itupun dengan bantuan seekor burung.....!!!!. "

Tetapi kegagahan & kecerdikan kaum lelaki membawa telur kemana-mana
& tidak pecah memang satu keajaiban.. renungkanlahhh.. Nasib orang
lelaki...

Mandi lambat, bini marah,
Bangun lambat, bini marah,
Balik lambat, bini marah,
Pancut lambat aje bini suka!!!

AKHIR KATA,

JINAK-JINAK BURUNG MERPATI,
JINAK LAGI BURUNG SENDIRI,
BURUNG MERPATI DIDEKAT LARI,
BURUNG SENDIRI DIPEGANG BERDIRI.

SEKIAN,
* KARAM SINGH WALIA MELAPORKAN UTK TV3.

siewjang

04-13-2005, 12:59 PM

A man called his
4th wife - Baby doll,
3rd wife - China doll,
2nd wife - Barbie doll &
1st wife - Guess What ?
- Panadol

siewjang

04-13-2005, 01:00 PM

Friends are like underwear, always near you.
Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you.
Best friends are like Viagra, lift you up when you are down.

siewjang

04-13-2005, 01:01 PM

Naked girl boarded taxi. Driver stared.
Girl scold, never see naked girl ah?
Driver reply, see before but wondering where you keep your money to pay
taxi fare.

Robin Kok CH

04-13-2005, 02:41 PM

Q: What is the best place to go to when you are dying?
A: The living room.

Voon Chan

04-13-2005, 02:43 PM

Friends are like underwear, always near you.
Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you.
Best friends are like Viagra, lift you up when you are down.So if you have a good friend, you don't need underwear, condom & viagra because they can do all that for you!

KoChun

04-13-2005, 02:44 PM

John invited his mother over for dinner.

During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.

"You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Robin Kok CH

04-13-2005, 02:44 PM

So if you have a good friend, you don't need underwear, condom & viagra because they can do all that for you!

....and more.

KoChun

04-13-2005, 02:45 PM

A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers.

Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over.

Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, over and over.

Eventually, the parrot learned how the tricks were done and would interrupt the act.

"It's in his sleeve" the parrot would say. "He switched balls." "It's in his pocket." Etc., etc.

Naturally, the magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing about it, since it belonged to the Captain.

Unfortunately, the cruise ship had the misfortune of hitting an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the sea in a matter of minutes.

As fate would have it, the magician and the parrot managed to grab hold of the same floating piece of furniture.

For 3 days, neither said anything. The magician stared at the parrot and the parrot stared back. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot cracked and said:

"OK, I give up, where on Earth did you put the ship?"

Voon Chan

04-13-2005, 02:45 PM

....and more.I want to be someone good friend!:laugh:

[f]ish

04-13-2005, 05:39 PM

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's
home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home? " he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy
there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that
noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed
the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the
boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"ME."

[f]ish

04-13-2005, 05:50 PM

What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68,
and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? Who's bed??? Who the hell are you???

[f]ish

04-13-2005, 06:03 PM

The story took place during the 7th month of the Chinese lunar calendar
and
revolved around a young lad named Sam. Sam at that time was working as a
general worker, in a small company located at Tuas. During one particular
working day, the whole of Sam's company was requested to work OT in order
to meet a deadline due tomorrow. By the time everything was done, it was
already past 1 am and Sam was the last person left in the office.

He was left wondering whether there were still any bus services at this
hour. He decided to try his luck and quickly tidied up the office, locked
up and rushed towards the bus stop. The bus stop was situated by a small
narrow road with dense forestation surrounding the area. Sam waited for
about 20 minutes and was about to make his way to the main road to catch a
cab when a double deck bus appeared from nowhere. He hesitantly waved it
down, boarded the bus and the only person he saw on the same bus was a
frail ghastly looking old woman. The old woman was dressed in white samfoo
and black pant, attire favoured by maids in those early days or "Ma Jie"
as
they were commonly known then. Sam felt uneasy upon seeing her and was
about to go up to the upper deck when a voice ranged out in Cantonese,
"Young man, don't go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous." It was the old woman.
Her comment sent a chill through Sam's bones and he figured that the upper
deck might be "dirty".

He decided to heed the old woman's advice and grab a seat at the lower
deck
even though he felt uncomfortable by her presence. It was an agonizing 20
minutes journey before Sam reached his bus stop. He quickly alighted and
turned to steal a quick glance at the old woman, who stared right back at
him by the window. Without further ado, Sam hastened his pace and was
fortunate to reach home safely.

The next day, Sam was requested to work OT and ended up being the last
person left in the office again. It was already past midnight and Sam was
contemplating whether to take a cab home but decided against it in the end
as money was tight. So he made his way to the bus stop again and after
about 20 minutes, the same double deck bus appeared. Sam boarded the bus
and saw the same old woman again. He decided to go to the upper deck again
when the old woman called out to him, "Young man, don't go upstairs.
Upstairs dangerous." Even though, he heard it before, he still felt a
certain fear inside him since it's the 7th month. To be on the safe side,
he reluctantly took a seat at the lower deck again and reached home with
no
incidents.

The third day, Sam was asked to do OT again. By now he was feeling dreaded
and worried as he didn't want to repeat the same process again. But he
obliged nevertheless since it's his livelihood. He was, you guessed it,
the
last person left in the office again. He made the same journey to the bus
stop, occasionally checking his back as he walked.

The double deck bus arrived, he boarded it and saw the same old woman
again. As he proceeded to go upstairs, the old woman warned him again,
"Young man, don't go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous." Sam was fed up with
the
old woman by now and decided to go upstairs even though he was feeling a
bit scared. He saw no one else when he reached the upper deck and slowly
made his way to the back of the bus and sat down. Sam's heart began
pounding away as he waited anxiously for something to happen. After 30
minutes, with nothing happening, Sam went downstairs to confront the old
woman and asked her why she kept saying it's dangerous upstairs.

The old woman turned, stared at him and replied, "Young man, don't go
upstairs. Upstairs dangerous. Upstairs got no bus driver."

haa......haaaa.....haaaa.......:-)

athena

04-14-2005, 10:15 AM

Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one young and newlywed wanted to join a exclusive club. The President of the Club said, "We have special requirements for new members. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The President went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Mr. President."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the club!" said the President.

The President went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the temple!" said the President.

The President then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Mr. President, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the President.

"Well, we made it though the first week. But then my wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our club," stated the President.

"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Handimart anymore either."

Voon Chan

04-14-2005, 10:41 AM

ish']The story took place during the 7th month of the Chinese lunar calendar
and
revolved around a young lad named Sam. Sam at that time was working as a
general worker, in a small company located at Tuas. During one particular
working day, the whole of Sam's company was requested to work OT in order
to meet a deadline due tomorrow. By the time everything was done, it was
already past 1 am and Sam was the last person left in the office.

He was left wondering whether there were still any bus services at this
hour. He decided to try his luck and quickly tidied up the office, locked
up and rushed towards the bus stop. The bus stop was situated by a small
narrow road with dense forestation surrounding the area. Sam waited for
about 20 minutes and was about to make his way to the main road to catch a
cab when a double deck bus appeared from nowhere. He hesitantly waved it
down, boarded the bus and the only person he saw on the same bus was a
frail ghastly looking old woman. The old woman was dressed in white samfoo
and black pant, attire favoured by maids in those early days or "Ma Jie"
as
they were commonly known then. Sam felt uneasy upon seeing her and was
about to go up to the upper deck when a voice ranged out in Cantonese,
"Young man, don't go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous." It was the old woman.
Her comment sent a chill through Sam's bones and he figured that the upper
deck might be "dirty".

He decided to heed the old woman's advice and grab a seat at the lower
deck
even though he felt uncomfortable by her presence. It was an agonizing 20
minutes journey before Sam reached his bus stop. He quickly alighted and
turned to steal a quick glance at the old woman, who stared right back at
him by the window. Without further ado, Sam hastened his pace and was
fortunate to reach home safely.

The next day, Sam was requested to work OT and ended up being the last
person left in the office again. It was already past midnight and Sam was
contemplating whether to take a cab home but decided against it in the end
as money was tight. So he made his way to the bus stop again and after
about 20 minutes, the same double deck bus appeared. Sam boarded the bus
and saw the same old woman again. He decided to go to the upper deck again
when the old woman called out to him, "Young man, don't go upstairs.
Upstairs dangerous." Even though, he heard it before, he still felt a
certain fear inside him since it's the 7th month. To be on the safe side,
he reluctantly took a seat at the lower deck again and reached home with
no
incidents.

The third day, Sam was asked to do OT again. By now he was feeling dreaded
and worried as he didn't want to repeat the same process again. But he
obliged nevertheless since it's his livelihood. He was, you guessed it,
the
last person left in the office again. He made the same journey to the bus
stop, occasionally checking his back as he walked.

The double deck bus arrived, he boarded it and saw the same old woman
again. As he proceeded to go upstairs, the old woman warned him again,
"Young man, don't go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous." Sam was fed up with
the
old woman by now and decided to go upstairs even though he was feeling a
bit scared. He saw no one else when he reached the upper deck and slowly
made his way to the back of the bus and sat down. Sam's heart began
pounding away as he waited anxiously for something to happen. After 30
minutes, with nothing happening, Sam went downstairs to confront the old
woman and asked her why she kept saying it's dangerous upstairs.

The old woman turned, stared at him and replied, "Young man, don't go
upstairs. Upstairs dangerous. Upstairs got no bus driver."

haa......haaaa.....haaaa.......:-)I think SJ posted this already in ghost thread

Robin Kok CH

04-14-2005, 02:02 PM

Ah Huay went for a job interview to be a secretary. When the manager saw Ah Huay's colourful attire and gold and white-highlighted hair, his mind is screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN".

Nevertheless, he still had to entertain Ah Huay. So he told Ah Huay "If
you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then maybe I will give you a chance. The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK".

Ah Huay thought for a while and said :
"I hear the phone GREEN, GREEN, GREEN,
then I go and PINK up the phone
say YELLOW........... BLUE's that?
WHITE did you say? Aiyah, wrong number lah ...
Don't PURPLE ly disturb people and don't
call BLACK, ok? Kum Siah"

The Manager fainted.

Robin Kok CH

04-14-2005, 02:32 PM

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in
the other, what would I have?

CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

PreciousPearl

04-15-2005, 05:07 AM

Why did the first monkey fall out of the coconut tree?
It drank too much coconut todi.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was doing something naughty to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
It wanted to go with the crowd.

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
It got bored and fell asleep.

Why did the tree fall down?
Thot it was a game.

How do elephants hide in the rambutan trees?
By painting their toenails red.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
When a monkey picks a rambutan and an elephant falls on its head.

athena

04-15-2005, 08:49 AM

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year,
Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating
back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their
ancestors already had a telephone network
one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed,
American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in
the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces
of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded
that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech
digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the
Russians."

One week later, the Malaysian newspapers reported the
following:
"After digging as deep as 500 metres, Malaysian
scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have
concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were
already using wireless technology.

LiLiaN

04-15-2005, 06:20 PM

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state.

Eventually, they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment, they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realize they have nothing to 'freshen-up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.

The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon.

'Just the job' she decides and without another thought, duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task completed, the women continue staggering home.

Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night.

"You think you've got problems!" exclaims the second husband. "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said, "We'll Never Forget You - From All the Lads at the Fire Station"

shiruikage

04-16-2005, 08:58 AM

A third year male engineering student was going home after class one night when a very beautiful girl cycled past him and stopped. standing in front of him, she says, "I think you're very handsome, take me home today and you can do anything to me!" The student shook his head and ignored the girl, continues on his way. Not to be ignored, the girl cycled past him again. This time, the girl took off all her cloths and exclaimed, "You can have anything you want from me, just take it here and now!" This made the student stop. Scratching his chin in concentration, he finally decided and take one home.

At home, he told his friend about the deperate girl and show him what he took home. His friend takes one look at it and said, "Nice bike, her cloths probably won't fit you."

Diong_Gar_Loon

04-18-2005, 07:45 AM

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females.

He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the sheep fries were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.

The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!

athena

04-18-2005, 04:24 PM

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,' said the genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'

'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog.' They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. 'Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?' the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. 'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?'

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,' said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. 'But now I love this woman called Camilla,' and he showed the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, 'Let's have a look at that dog again.'

Robin Kok CH

04-19-2005, 09:53 AM

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

mei

04-19-2005, 10:04 AM

wow... this one is like..... pheow!!!

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

shiruikage

04-19-2005, 10:08 AM

wow... this one is like..... pheow!!!
hahahah, that is like OUCH!!!

mei

04-19-2005, 10:12 AM

pheow mean likes..luckily we gals do not have testicles.. for u is ouchhhh..haa

hahahah, that is like OUCH!!!

Robin Kok CH

04-20-2005, 01:50 PM

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Diong_Gar_Loon

04-22-2005, 09:54 AM

Daddy? How did I come into this world?"

"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way.

"So why not today? Please!"

"OK, but listen carefully."

"Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe.

In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom.

Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick.

When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall.

Since it was too late to cancel or delete

....nine months later we ended up with a virus." > > >

WitchKing

04-22-2005, 09:56 AM

fishboy

04-23-2005, 10:16 AM

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result, seldom had guests. He was eager
to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first
piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a
second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, “It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size.”

[f]ish

04-26-2005, 05:41 PM

AMERICAN WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.

JAPANESE WOMEN

First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all.
Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her
panties.
Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her.

Then she'll bid you sayonara, as that was her last fling as she's getting
married to a Japanese man tomorrow.

MALAY WOMEN

First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.
Second date: You get to home base with her.
Third date: You have to promise her that you are going to get circumcised.

Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole
family.
The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three more
times as allowed under Islamic law!

CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens
too.
Third date: You have already realized that nothing's going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN

First date: You meet her parents.
Second date: The date is set for the wedding.
Third date: It's your wedding night!

HONG KONG WOMEN

First date: you lose all your cash in your wallet
Second date: you max out all your credit cards
Third date: you clean out your bank account and you still can't get to
first base 3 weeks after your third date, you die from SARS.

pfkuan

04-28-2005, 01:58 AM

Bomb Iraq

(To the tune of "If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands")

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.

If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

Diong_Gar_Loon

04-28-2005, 08:37 AM

> An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with
> 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in
> with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less
> money that week than the previous week.
>
> The teller said, "Fluctuations."
>
> The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned
> around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

WitchKing

04-28-2005, 08:58 AM

Chris C

04-30-2005, 12:51 AM

The LOVE Word:
6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U
6 months: Of course I love
6 years: GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks: Honey, I'm home
6 months: BACK!!
6 years: What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring
6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room
6 years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone
6 months: Here, for you
6 years: PHONE RINGING

Cooking:
6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks: Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you
6 months: Watch out! Don't do it again?
6 years: What's not to understand about what I just said?

New Dress:
6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress
6 months: You bought a new dress again???
6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks: How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months: What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years: Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months: I like this movie
6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself !!

LiLiaN

04-30-2005, 12:52 AM

someone has posted this before..? very familiar...
(hi chris, still up this hour..?)

PreciousPearl

04-30-2005, 03:48 AM

3 guys were making their regular purchase of preventatives at the pharmacy. The Italian bought a pack of 3, the Frenchman (who was a devout Catholic) got a pack of 6 and the Englishman got the jumbo 12-pk.

What they were thinking:
Italian: I might meet a nice girl tonight.
Frenchman: One for each day of the week, except the Sabbath, which I shall keep holy.
Englishman: That's me sorted for the year.

KoChun

04-30-2005, 05:12 PM

someone has posted this before..? very familiar...
(hi chris, still up this hour..?)
Haha, I posted this a couple of weeks back. Title was 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months (something like that lah). :)

Chris C

04-30-2005, 09:24 PM

Haha, I posted this a couple of weeks back. Title was 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months (something like that lah). :)
:o soli, malas to read other pages. Harap maklum. But on the other hand don't have to rewind back so much to read this joke again. :laugh:

Hisham

04-30-2005, 09:42 PM

Here are some funny actual IRC quotes. Click on this link (http://bash.org/?top) to read more.

<Batty> Euch, rap is just missing one letter. c.
<zeep> rapc?
<Batty> ...
<Batty> Crap you idiot. you put the c on the other end
<zeep> oic
<Batty> Though you could also say it's missing an e
<zeep> wtf is erap?
* Batty bangs his head repeatedly against a wall

<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?

<Locl-Yocl> I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.

KoChun

04-30-2005, 10:16 PM

:o soli, malas to read other pages. Harap maklum. But on the other hand don't have to rewind back so much to read this joke again. :laugh:
What soli? No need soli, Chris. We post here for one another. :)

Chris C

05-01-2005, 11:56 AM

What soli? No need soli, Chris. We post here for one another. :)
Hokay, here's another one from the Star papers this morning.
( p/s: if it's been posted, please pretend it's not :laugh: )

1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair

1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux

1973: Moving to Cape Town because it’s cool
2003: Moving to Cape Town because it’s warm

1973: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor

1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage

1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Getting a new hip joint

1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones

1973: Passing the drivers’ test
2003: Passing the vision test

KoChun

05-01-2005, 03:35 PM

1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair

1973: Passing the drivers’ test
2003: Passing the vision test

I like these two. No, as far as I know, nobody post this before, Chris.

Chris C

05-01-2005, 09:08 PM

I like these two. No, as far as I know, nobody post this before, Chris.

Phew........saved from getting :o again. :laugh:

fishboy

05-03-2005, 09:13 AM

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about
magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things.
What am I?”
Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, “You're a mother!”

WitchKing

05-06-2005, 12:24 PM

Sila baca sorotan-sorotan cerita dibawah.....

Cerita 1
Siti merenung batang yang semakin menegak itu, dia terus mengusap-
usap batang tersebut, kelihatan air putih mengalir keluar. Siti pun
menjerit "..Nek lemang ni nak buat macam mana, dah masak rasanya.."..

Cerita 2
Jalal meramas-ramas kemuncak kedua-dua bukit kecil itu, hatinya puas
dan semangatnya semakin berkobar-kobar, jari-jemarinya terus menguli
tanpa henti. Jalal tidak sabar hendak menyiapkan model untuk projek
sainsnya itu yang bertajuk "bentuk muka bumi di kawasan berbukit
bukau."

Cerita 3
Zamrul menghisap-hisap puting itu dengan berhat-hati dan perlahan,
dia tidak mahu tergesa-gesa, sesekali lidah nya menyentuh lembut
hujung puting itu dan menyedut keluar sedikit susu ..."cehhh masih
panas, dah dekat satu jam aku rendam dalam air suam pun masih panas"
Anak Zack yang masih bayi terus menangis meminta susu. Zamrul semakin
tension.

Cerita 4
Idham menjerit sambil menhenjut-henjut badannya dengan rakus dan
kasar "Come on baby, lets make it..."..katanya berulang-ulang kali
tanpa henti.. Kemuncaknya semakin tiba dan Idham kelihatan semakin
rakus memacu kudanya untuk menamatkan perlumbaan itu, dia bertekad
untuk memenangi tempat pertama dalam perlumbaan itu.

Cerita 5
Bahagian belakang kereta itu bergegar dan berhenjut-henjut. Alman
yang dari tadi mengintip dari celah-celah pokok dapat melihat dua
susuk tubuh manusia sedang melakukan sesuatu didalam kegelapan itu.
Alman terus mendiamkan diri, dia takut kehadirannya akan disedari.
Tetapi setelah lama mengintip Alman pun lantas bangun dan segera
menawarkan khidmatnya untuk membantu mereka menukarkan tayar kereta
mereka yang pancit itu.

Kesimpulan
Jika korang langsung tidak terfikirkan aper-aper mengenai seks semasa
membaca 5 cerita diatas, ini bermaksud korang bukannya seorang yang
normal. Sebaliknya jika korang terfikirkan sesuatu yang berkaitan
dengan seks....jangan ler korang risau, sebab korang adalah seorang
yang normal ..

MACAM MANA KORANG? aku normal.....hehehe :)
biasalah.....kuangkuangkuang :)
p/s....chow bebeh

KoChun

05-06-2005, 12:29 PM

Pheew, aku normal jugak.

shiruikage

05-06-2005, 01:04 PM

nasib baik ku normal jugak. kekeke.

Voon Chan

05-06-2005, 01:39 PM

Nazlan, hantulah kau ini buat aku ini suspen saja.

Tapi saya jugak normal

WitchKing

05-06-2005, 02:47 PM

okay, so the penultimate conclusions is... we are all normal HORNY people?

dreamwh

05-06-2005, 03:11 PM

aku tak normal.... sebab dah agak mesti ada punchline loyarburuk kat bawah

dreamwh

05-06-2005, 03:19 PM

tapi kelakar gilababi.... especially the cerita tukar tayar. Kenapa nak hendap-hendap?

WitchKing

05-06-2005, 03:30 PM

aku tak normal.... sebab dah agak mesti ada punchline loyarburuk kat bawah

take a break from the guitar jamming, rockstar. if you not normal here, just think of how you gonna handle the screaming nubile women, that will be throwing themselves at you once you become the second steve vai. Teach them to clap? , i think NOT!!!!!!!

PreciousPearl

05-06-2005, 08:09 PM

just don give them the clap...?

Diong_Gar_Loon

05-10-2005, 08:26 AM

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back.. or that you could crawl into a hole? Some women share their stories.

1.
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

2.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you licking Daddy's lollipop last night!
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

4.
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Diong_Gar_Loon

05-13-2005, 03:39 PM

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
next morning you will have a flat tire.

O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than
the one you are in now.

Bell's Theorem
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

Willoughbhy's Law
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Zadra's Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Breda's Rule
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.

Owen's Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Howden's Law
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

Pakkianathan's Theory
When you start drinking in a pub with your friends, your wife will call you
on the handphone.

The Office Email Theory
The moment you open an email attachment with funny or adult pictures, your
boss walks into your cubicle.

athena

05-17-2005, 09:49 AM

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore
Airlines from Singapore to New York. The son (who had been
looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have
baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to
ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight
attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't
planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to
ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes
because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.
Now, let your mother explain that to you." !

WitchKing

05-17-2005, 11:11 AM

REASONS WHY WOMEN FiND iT HARD
TO FiND THE MAN OF THEiR DREAMS...

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are
married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice
men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but
are nice men with money think we are only after
their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our
money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and
somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are
beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are
heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money,
are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome,
somewhat nice and have some money and thank
God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE
THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest in us when we take the
initiative.

NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

"Men are like a fine wine. They all startout like
grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep
them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with."

Susan Yu

05-17-2005, 11:28 AM

Subject: Laughter is the best medicine

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back.. or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the testimonials of a few women who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help
me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you licking Daddy's lollipop last night!
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me
were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in between errands. It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something
funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was
clean. Then, I realized that
Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed
to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had
an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because
the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did
you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel
better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get
any....a true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked: "So Bob,
where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good?

Voon Chan

05-17-2005, 01:44 PM

Diong_Gar_Loon

05-19-2005, 07:50 AM

True also........ ;-)
>
> During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,
> "Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?"
>
> A student replied, "That's because guys have 'balls' and that weighs
> them down."
>
> The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at
> maturity guys tend to grow taller than gals?"
>
> The student countered by saying, "That's because gals get breasts and
> they are heavier than the guy's balls"
>

ahbau

05-20-2005, 03:29 PM

Subject: 1st, 2nd, 3rd Child!!

Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, & fold
them neatly in the baby's little bureau
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean & discard
Only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can
go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some
juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins (my favorite one)
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his pocket money.

Pass this on to everyone you know who has children...or everyone who KNOWS
someone who has had children...or anyone who has ever been a child themselves!
(I guess that covers almost everyone, huh?)

CHILDREN
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them towalk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sitdown and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing
home one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION ANDYOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT
SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

athena

05-26-2005, 02:29 PM

Alkisah seorg anak pompuan yang baru masuk tadika
bertanya kepada mummynya..
'Mummy, mummy? sex tu apa Mi?'..

Terkedulah si ibu.. Terasalah akan kemodenan
zaman skrg yg berjaya membuatkan manusia
berfikiran lebih terbuka.

Sesuai dgn konsep pendidikan seks yg sedang
hangat diperkatakan, mulalah si ibu mencari
jawapan yg sesuai utk anaknya dengan harapan
anaknya takkan tertinggal dlm arus pendidikan
sejagat. Maka si ibu pun mula memberikan jawapan
mengenai apa itu sex dengan perumpamaan antara
kumbang dan bunga, diikuti dengan pembentukkan
bayi dalam kandungan? dan diselitkan juga dengan
kisah percintaan antara mummy dan daddynya dari
zaman universiti lagi sehinggalah dgn kehadiran
si comel iaitu anak gadisnya yg bertanya itu..

Tiba-tiba si anak menangis teresak2. Si ibu
kehairanan dan bertanya. Si anak menjawab dlm
tangisan.

"Jawapan mummy tu panjang, ruangan jawabannya
pendek saja ni" ...seraya menyerahkan buku
latihan yang tertulis kat depannya (cover)..

(lihat di bawah)

NAME:...........

SEX:............

Class:..........

Subject:..........

KoChun

05-31-2005, 09:41 AM

A man is dying of cancer.
His son asked him, " Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: " So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom !"

__________________________________________________ ___

Three Feelings :

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant!
__________________________________________________ ___

Chinese Adam and Eve :

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because
they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!

WitchKing

06-01-2005, 11:10 AM

Sekembalinyadari mengutipufti dari negara-negara bawah jajahannya,
Datuk Lakasmana Ganesh beserta 100 hulubalangsinggah di sebuah pulau
berhampiran Majapahit. Pulau besar yang tiada berpenghuni itu sejak
zaman-berzaman terbiar tanpa pembangunan. Seluruh pulau itu
dijelajahinya, tiada apa pun yang ditemui selain hutan belantara, semak
samun dan binatang-binatang hutan...

Sesampainya dia ke Majapahit dipersembahkanlah hal ini kepada Sultan
Sri Wijaya...

Datuk Laksamana: "Tuanku, patik rasa ada elok juga kalau itu pulau kita
kasi jajah sama dia?"

Sultan: "Sapa ada sana?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara sapa"

Sultan: "Apa nama itu pulau?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara tau"

Sultan: "Sana ada orang?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara"

Sultan: "Rumah?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara"

Sultan: "Sign-Board?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara"

Sultan: "Apa pun tara?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Hutan ada la, Lain suma tara..."

Sultan: "Okey kalau itu macam kita ambil ini pulau, pasal suma pun tara
dekat situ kita kasi dia nama 'SUMATARA'."

Begitulah ceritanya asal usul nama pulau Sumatara yang sekarang
dipanggil PULAU SUMATERA...

Kuang kuang kuang!!!

KoChun

06-01-2005, 11:23 AM

Ketawa terbahak-bahak. Terima kasih, Naz. :)

dreamwh

06-01-2005, 01:20 PM

I think we have a winner...

How come no book ever teaches us history like that?

KoChun

06-01-2005, 01:40 PM

I think we have a winner...

How come no book ever teaches us history like that?
Demmm, I could have scored A1 for my History. Only of they make the book so interesting. :p

WitchKing

06-03-2005, 10:39 AM

Ibu larang anak memakai jilbab (Purdah/Headscarf)

Kisah tentang larangan jilbab bagi anak muda Seorang pemuda baru saja
baru sahaja pulang kerumah. Ia sendirian di biliknya melepas lelah
sambil menatap langit yang membiru. Kesibukan menyelenggarakan ceramah
keislaman di masjid tul2 meletihkan. Suasana hening dan damai kerana
di flat kediamannya kerana ramai penghuni masih belum balik dari
kerja. Dari balik dinding sayup-sayup terdengar perbualan jirannya
seorang Ibu tua dengan anaknya.

Anak : Ibu..

Ibu : Hmmm ?

Anak : BU !

Ibu : APA ?

Anak : Mmm, anu ... tadi saya ke masjid dengar ceramah..Ibu dengarlah ni!

Ibu : IYA ! Ibu dengar. Cakap ajalah. Kan ibu tengah sibuk memasukkan
benang ke jarum ni. Susah pulak rasanya. Agaknya mata ibu sudah nak
rabun...

Anak : Bu !

Ibu : Apa dia ? cakap ajelah, Yang ?

Anak : Tadi, di masjid seorang ustaz bercerita soal jilbab. Katanya
pakai jilbab itu wajib. Ibu, Mulai sekarang saya mau pakai jilbab.
Boleh tak Bu.. ?

Ibu : Jangan ...

Pemuda dari balik ! dinding makin menajamkan perhatian pendengarannya.

Anak : Tapi itu perintah Allah. Kalau tidak patuh kita berdosa, Bu.
Boleh ya, saya mau pakai jilbab ?

Ibu : Kan ibu kata JANGAN ...

Anak : Tapi bu.. bukan lebih baik saya memakai jilbab kerana kita
orang islam dan sudah tentu dapat menjaga maruah dan harga diri
saya..betul tak bu...? Bolehlah bu..

Ibu : TIDAK !

Anak : Kenapa ? Atau ibu terpengaruh sama cerita bohong pasal memakai
jilbab ? Kata Ustaz, jilbab itu bukan budaya Arab. Itu Syariat Islam.
Islam yang sebenar bukan adat. Dari dulu memang diwajibkan demikian,
bukan trend baru-baru ini aja.

Ibu : Iya, iya Ibu faham tu. Tapi ibu kata JANGAN !

Anak : Jadi Ibu melarang saya nih... Bu, mau tak mau saya tetap akan
pakai jilbab. Terserah Ibu nak kata apa. Tak perlu taat pada orang
tua, kalau orang tua itu menyuruh maksiat pada perintah Allah.

Ibu : Kamu tak faham-faham lagi ke?. Ibu kata jangan, jangan, JANGAN!!!

Anak : WALAU APAPUN JADI BESOK SAYA TETAP PAKAI JILBAB. MUKTAMAD !

Ibu : JANGAN !

Anak : JILBAB !

Ibu : JANGAN !

Anak : JILBAB !!

Ibu : J A N G A N !!!

Anak : J I L B A A A A A A B !!!!

Pemuda tadi sudah tidak dapat menahan keinginannya. Ia terus keluar
bilik untuk bertemu ibu dan anak itu untuk membela si anak agar si ibu
bersetuju dengan kemahuan si anak. Tangannya sudah terangkat di depan
pintu untuk mengetuk .... namun terdengar lagi kata-kata dari si ibu ..

Ibu : KAMU NI BUDIN, IBU KATA JANGAN.. JANGANLAH! KAMU KAN LAKI-LAKI....

Si jiran sebelah pun berlalu ..dengan langkah yang longlai

hehehe, serius tul baca nampak.........................aku pun terkena
jugak...hangin satu badan..........haaa......haaaaa??!!
sabor....saborr....tarik nafas...... hahahhahahahhahahahhahhahahh sian
sungguh....terkena ari ni yerrrrrrrr

WitchKing

06-03-2005, 11:12 AM

A seven year old boy from Klang was at the center of
a Magistrate courtroom drama Friday morning when he challenged a court
ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents,
so the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy,
however, stated that his aunt beat him more than his
parents and refused to live there.

Therefore, the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the
boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. In a unprecedented
move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have
custody of him.

Custody was finally granted to the Malaysian national football team
this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not
capable of beating anyone.

KoChun

06-03-2005, 11:17 AM

Malaysian football team. :laugh:

KoChun

06-03-2005, 11:19 AM

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

WitchKing

06-03-2005, 11:49 AM

KoChun

06-03-2005, 11:50 AM

Haa Haa!! Member sure frust tension !! :laugh:
The moral behind the story, know your job well. Knowledge is Power!!! :laugh:

Diong_Gar_Loon

06-03-2005, 04:13 PM

Dilbert's Best

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"

8. My reality cheque bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.

16. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

25. Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.

26. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

27. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.

28. If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving isn't for you.

29. Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

30. When everything is coming your way...... you're in the wrong lane.

Alkapocino

06-06-2005, 12:49 AM

"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend."

ZENNA SCHAFFER

"When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name is Always."

RITA RUDNER

"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days."

TIM ALLEN

athena

06-08-2005, 01:47 PM

After watching sales falling off for three straight
> months at Kentucky
> Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and
> asks for a favor.
>
> The Pope says, "What can I do?"
>
> The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily
> prayer from,
>
> 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this
> day our daily
> chicken'.
>
> If you do it, I'll donate $10 million to the
> Vatican."
>
> The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's
> prayer and I can't
> change
> the words."
>
> So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of
> dismal sales,
> the Colonel panics, and calls again.
>
> "Listen your Excellency, I really need your help.
> I'll donate
> $20million if you change the words of the daily
> prayer from 'Give us this
> day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily
> chicken.'
>
> And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel
> Sanders.
> The church could do a lot of good with that much
> money. It would help us
> to support many charities. But, again, I must
> decline. It is the Lord's
> prayer,and I can't change the words."
>
> So the Colonel gives up again.
>
> After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel
> gets really
> desperate.
> "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you
> change the words of the
> daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily
> bread' to 'Give us this
> day
> our daily chicken' I will donate $50 million to The
> Vatican".
>
> The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
>
> So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his
> bishops and hesays,"I
> have some good news and some bad news. The good news
> is thatKFCisgoing to
> donate $50 million to the Vatican." The bishops
> rejoice at the news.
> Then one asks about the bad news.
>
> The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we're losing
> the Deli France
> account."

vicky boy

06-08-2005, 03:17 PM

a pastor was walking down the beach one day after long years of marriage and pastoring a church, and he is not happy of what is going on with his life and wanna go to a far deserted island and be alone forever.

down the sandy beach he kicked a Genie lamp and woke the genie up from her sleep.

Genie : what is ur wish my master?
Pastor : eh what a small genie u are?
genie : ya cos i am a trainee and i am on industrail training.
Pastor : oh ok.... i am fed up with my life here and i want to go to a far far away island and just be alone.... can u teleport me there.
genie : i'am affraid i cant, cos i have limited power and i have not master that yet.
pastor : well forget bout it then.
genie : but i can lfy you there.
pastor : no i cant fly i affraid of heights and i rather kill meself than flying.
Genie : then i shall put u in a ship to transport u there.
pastor : no i got sea sick... cannot and no way. hmmmm... how a bout u build me a a bridge all the way to the island and i can drive myself there.
Genie : emm... this i have not complete the training yet. i can try but will used up all my powers. btw what is the reason of leaving here. maybe i can help u solve the problem. if it is due to humans i have no problem with that.
pastor : oh, is that so? well the problem is my wife. i have been trying to understand her for my whole life and i still fail.... can you help me to understand her?
Genie : (stare at the pastor for a while and)...... how many lanes do you want?

end

KoChun

06-09-2005, 02:54 PM

Two women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first woman had 2 potatoes in her hands.

She looked at the other woman and said, "these potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles".

The other woman said "are his testicles that big?"

"No" she commented, "they're that dirty".

ahbau

06-13-2005, 10:47 AM

i love the last part : "bullshit and brilliance"

************************************************** ***********
There's much to be said for "age and treachery".

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading
rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle
thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the
ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with
her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the
old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder
if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had
me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes
a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made
a fool of and says, "Here, monkey hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the
dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!"

Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery
will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come
with age and experience! --

************************************************** ************

KoChun

06-13-2005, 12:13 PM

There is this competition on the radio where a caller needs to provide a word that is not in the dictionary, however it is being used and the caller would have to give an example of a sentence with this word in it.

The prize is a trip for two to Australia. The phone rings...

Anchor: Hello Nick, what is the word that you want to give us?
Caller: The word is GOAN. Spelled G-O-A-N.
Anchor: Oh.. Good one! Now, give us an example of where this word can be used?
Caller: "Goan f*ck yourself".
The Anchor slammed the phone.
So on they continued and some minutes later came another call.
Anchor: Hello Pat, how-you-doin? What's the word that you have for us?
Caller: The word is SMEE. Spelled S-M-E-E
Anchor: Oh,... That's a nice one... Go ahead, give us an example with a sentence!..
Caller: Smee again. Goan f*ck yourself.

Linkinfark

06-13-2005, 05:16 PM

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place

is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the

ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him

to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first

row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord!

Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in

Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an

E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for

about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man

jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a

Jazz chord."

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that

he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band

around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical

expertise.The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a

Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to

appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the

stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the

mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Chris C

06-14-2005, 02:29 PM

Lawak1

Satu pagi di stesen ketapi, ada satu makcik tu dia tanya petugas kaunter...
Makcik : Anak, keretapi sampai jam berapa??
Petugas kaunter: Jam 2 Kedah, jam 5 Kelantan, jam 1 Penang, jam 7 Gemas. Makcik nak pergi mana??
Makcik : Makcik nak melintas aja.

Lawak 2

Bangla dan rakannya sedang berbual
Bangla : Esok saya nak balik bangladesh, isteri saya mengandung 3 bulan.
Rakan : Wah mesti awak gembira
Bangla : Sudah tentu, sudah 3 tahun saya tak balik!
Rakan : ?????

Lawak 3

Di sekolah tabika.
Cikgu : Amri, awak ada berapa beradik?
Amri : Tiga, cikgu
Cikgu : Awak yg paling tua?
Amri : Tak. Atuk saya....

Lawak 5

Sorang nurse di hospital sakit jiwa nampak sorang pesakit sedang tulis surat.
Nurse : Ko tulis surat kt sapa?
Gila : Aku tulis surat untuk diri aku sendiri"
Nurse : Jadi.. apa yang ko tulis?
Gila : Mana aku tau? Esok pagi bila posmen hantar, baru la aku boleh baca.

Lawak 6

Ada seorang pemuda ke kedai mamak dia hanya ada 70 sen semasa itu.
Pemuda : Mamak berapa harga teh panas deengan sejuk?
Mamak : Panas 70 sen sejuk RM1.20.
Pemuda :! Bagi teh panas 1.
Sampai je teh tersebut pemuda itu terus minum.
Mamak : Kenapa awak minum cepat sangat?
Pemuda : Kalau saya tunggu lama2 nanti sejuk tak fasal2 saya kena bayar RM1.20.

WitchKing

06-15-2005, 12:08 PM

bow wrong car card two are,
hang up they gent they law,
neck neck saw dare two are,
g-g think all do are.

siewjang

06-15-2005, 12:14 PM

Naz, sila explain.

WitchKing

06-15-2005, 12:25 PM

Naz, sila explain.

my pleasure HJQ.

bow wrong car card two are ---- bu-rung ka-kak tu-a
hang up they gent they law, ---- hingg-ap di jen-de-la
neck neck saw dare two are, ---- nek nek so-dah tu-a
g-g think all do are. ---- gi-gi tingg-al du-a.

:noworry:

susucaplembu

06-15-2005, 01:20 PM

my pleasure HJQ.

bow wrong car card two are ---- bu-rung ka-kak tu-a
hang up they gent they law, ---- hingg-ap di jen-de-la
neck neck saw dare two are, ---- nek nek so-dah tu-a
g-g think all do are. ---- gi-gi tingg-al du-a.

:noworry:
nice one :D

Tina Lim

06-15-2005, 01:27 PM

My dear Jagjit,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm
writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We are not living where we did when you left home. Your dad read in
the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we
moved 20 miles.

I am not able to send the address, as the last Sardar who stayed
here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would
not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able
to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will
remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated
right above the toilet. But I'm not sure it works too well. Last
week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The
first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so
we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting
the grass at the cemetery.

By the way, I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is
Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in
his club. We were confused as to which piece we should remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him
and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill
his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea
after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging
a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love,
Mom.

P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I
realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

siewjang

06-15-2005, 01:34 PM

WitchKing

06-15-2005, 01:55 PM

:eek: This is very impressive. clap, clap

Haa haa, have to be fair, its not from me, but from my fellow auditor colleague. You wouldnt believe the things flying around the emails here :laugh:

dreamwh

06-15-2005, 02:01 PM

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him
and he burned for three days.

Funny gilababi....

dreamwh

06-15-2005, 02:02 PM

Witchking, i got teka-teki for you.... what's

"Brains-brains broken bangles"

fishboy

06-16-2005, 09:06 AM

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo,(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"

WitchKing

06-16-2005, 09:41 AM

Witchking, i got teka-teki for you.... what's

"Brains-brains broken bangles"

Otak2 Gelang Patah??

KoChun

06-16-2005, 02:02 PM

Who's On First for the Next Generation!

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

WitchKing

06-19-2005, 01:04 AM

Virginity, its like a bubble.

'....one prick, ALL GONE'.

WitchKing

06-19-2005, 01:07 AM

What three two-letter words means 'small' ?

'Is It In?'

siewjang

06-20-2005, 09:30 AM

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.

That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant views. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be
married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome
and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make
love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story .....

scroll down

Always keep your condoms in your car.