Post your fav jokes!!!

[athena]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners questions the students, one by one.



"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.



"Just a minute, I have to go piss."



The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"



"What about you John, how would you say it?"



"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."



The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."



"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"



"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."



The teacher fainted.

[WitchKing]

One day, Pak Pandir was tasked with chaperoning a group of kids on a field trip. The kids were very rowdy and noisy and loud. Pak Pandir so wanted to show that he is capable of controlling the kids but these were like mini orcs trying to beat themselves up silly and making a racket of things.

Pak Pandir and the kids from hell took the bus to the airport, and thru all they mayhem he managed to get all the kids into the plane and unto their seats. The kids didnt stay seated for long, as soon as they were airborne the noise level in the place was unbearable and really started to annoy the other passengers.

One passenger and then another and then another...decided that they has had enough, and started to complain to the pilot. THe pilot summoned Pak Pandir to the cockpit and gave him a talking to. Needless to say Pak Pandir was very embarassed and realised he needed to get something done. So, he thot about what he normally does to his grandkids when they get 'out of control' but he was loath to do it, coz that would mean he really does have lost control of the situation .....

So he left the cockpit, and for the rest of the flight the pilot received no more complaints from the passengers. When they landed, the pilot congratulated Pak Pandir for handling the kids so admirably. Pak Pandir was also obviously very pleased with himself and the praise given to him.

Pilot: 'Well done, Pakcik. So what did you say to them to get them to
behave themselves??'

Pak Pandir:'Well, Captain. I said what I normally say to my grandkids
whenever they get rowdy and noisy in my house.'

Pilot: 'Oh? And what is that?'















Pak Pandir:'.....go play outside'

[Linkinfark]

Who are the six most important men in a woman's life???

1: he say's.......take off your clothes !!

2: he say's...... open wide !!

3: he say's...... you want it in the front or the back??

4: he say's.......you want teasing or blowing??

5: he say's.......once it's in you'll love it!!

6: he say's.......once it's out,you lose interest

SCROLL DOWN FOR SIX NAUGHTY MEN

Guess who they are!!!!!!!!!

They are :

1.: A doctor.....he say's.......take off your clothes

2: A dentist.....he say's......open wide !!

3: The milkman.....he say's......you want it in the front or the
back??

4: The Hairdresser.....he say's.......you want teasing or blowing??

5: The interior designer.....he say's.......once it's in, you'll love it!!

6: The Banker.....he say's.......once it's out, you'll lose interest!

[Linkinfark]

Our communication - Wireless

Our business - Cashless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our religion - Creedless

Our food - Fatless

Our faith - Godless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our commitment - Aimless

Our life - Meaningless

Our bosses - Hopeless

Our salary - Very less !!!!!!!!!!!

[KoChun]

Our salary - Very less !!!!!!!!!!!
This one I agree. :)

[Linkinfark]

A nice girl brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for a chat.


"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.


"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.


"A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"


"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."


"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"


"I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us."


"And children? How will you support children?"


"Don't worry, sir, God will provide."


The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "So? How did it go?"


"Well, he has no job and no plans, but he thinks I'm God."

[KoChun]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that ???" asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here, rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish - just one." The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks !"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ??? "

[Voon Chan]

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to
your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times
ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she
wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog
warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be
the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So,
KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second
wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog
said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and
what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the
world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess
with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll
down.
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>> >> The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral
>> >> of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
>> >> smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
>> >>
>> >> PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
>> >> show that women never listen!!! Forward this to all the guys for a
>> >> good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

[Linkinfark]

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand.

Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

[Lava Gal]

:laugh: :laugh:
proves that everything has a reason eh...

[shiruikage]

Act 1)
Ah Beng calls the telephone operator.
Ah Beng: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Singapore and New York?"
Operator: "Just a minute..."
Ah Beng: "Thank you."
Ah Beng got his answer and cut off the line.

[shiruikage]

Act 2)
At a bar in New York, the man sat next to Ah Beng told the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his companion said, "JACK DANIELS,SINGLE." The bartender turned to Ah Beng and asked, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah Beng replied: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

[shiruikage]

Act 3)
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me only 5 MONTHS to do it," Ah Beng said. "FIVE MONTHS? Why did you take so long." the friend asked. Ah Beng replied, "No, it is not long at all, look at the box, it says it is for 4 to 7 years".

Act 4)
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems. After a few attempts, he decided to use the 'Help' command. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer shop for support.
Ah Beng : I pressed the 'F1' key for help... but it's been over half an hour & still nobody has come to help me .......

[shiruikage]

Act 5)
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, " I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!" "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to the other ear?" Ah Beng: "That stupid fellow called back again loh!"

Act 6)
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends? Because according to the advertisement, below 18 is not allowed to go in.

[Lava Gal]

Shirui, My fav is number 5... :laugh: :laugh:
coz to err is human...but onli a fool makes same mistake twice lorr

[Linkinfark]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me".

12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry".

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Linkinfark]

Ah Beng in India
Bombay......
Ah Beng was travelling in a crowded bus. As he took
out his wallet to pay the fare, his passport-size
photograph accidentally fell from his pocket. He
started searching for it frantically & found it on the
floor, below the ends of a woman's long sari.

He asked her "Can you lift up your sari? I wanna take
photograph"He was beaten up so badly that he had to be
admitted to hospital.

He was surprised to see his Singaporean friend, Ah
Seng, on the bed next to him, in a worse condition. Ah
Seng explained what happened to him. He had gone to a
remote village to work. He finished late and missed
the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel. So he
approached a nearby house and asked the owner whether
he can stay there for the night. The owner replied "I
have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to
stay".

He approached the next house and asked whether he can
stay there for the night. The owner replied, "I have 3
grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He went to the next house and asked: "Do you have
grown up daughters?" The Owner asked, "WHY?????????"
Ah Seng replied, "I wanted to stay here for a
night....." The next thing he knew, he was in the
hospital bed.

The moral of the story is "Words get you into deep
trouble,if you don't use it correctly"

[Linkinfark]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
respect her,
honour her,
cuddle her,
kiss her, caress her,
love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring food & alcohol. :laugh:

[Linkinfark]

LIGHT BULB JOKES

Just to give you the hang of it...

How many Irish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One stands on top the table holding the bulb,
the other four rotates the table.

How many Chinese does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Two. One screws in the bulb, the other one gives you
the bill.

How many Indians does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Fifty. And they'll form a union after that.

How many Malays does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Malays are not supposed to screw anything other
than their wives.

How many TNB workers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Ten. One screws in the light bulb, nine others claim
overtime.

How many MIC members does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
None. They can't reach the bulb. Somebody threw all
the chairs and tables.

How many Sarong Party Girls does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
None. Sarong Party Girls don't screw anything that's
yellow.
========================================

CHINESE VELI STRONG (AND STINGY)
A Chinese man arranges for a Russian hooker (yes, you
get them in KL) to come to his room for the evening.
Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go
at it. When finished, the Chinese man runs over to the
window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed,
climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed
with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second
encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up,
runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives
under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back
into the bed with the hooker and starts again. The
hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four
times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it
herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to
the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
dives under the bed,...and......finds four Chinese men
==============================================
THE PRINTING PRESS

What do you get when you put 100 Chinamen under a
printing press?
The Yellow Pages
What do you get when you put 100 Indians under a
printing press?
A year's supply of carbon paper.
================================================== ======
STUCK!
A Kancil car stopped at the red lights. When the
traffic lights turned green the driver stepped on the
gas pedal and the car just won't move. So he got out
of the car to investigate. He soon realised that the
car was unable to move because a piece of chewing gum
on the road had stuck to one of the tyres!
THE SURVEY
A recent survey on Malaysian sex habits revealed the
following:
What do Malaysian men do immediately after sex?
20 % roll over and light up a cigarette
Another 20% go to the bathroom to wash
The majority, 60% of the men; they go home!
================================================== ======
RANK & FILE
In a typical Malaysian company, the general staff
likes to discuss or play football after work. For the
middle management it is tennis. For the top management
it is nothing else but golf, golf and golf. So what is
the conclusion ? The higher you are in the management,
the smaller your balls.
================================================== ======
THE HOLY BOOK
If the Muslims have the Koran, the Christians the
Bible, what do the Chinese in Malaysia have?
The Yellow Pages (business minded, mah)
================================================== ======

What's the first thing that come to your mind when you
see a Chinese man driving a BMW?
A pimp
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when
you
see a Malay man driving a BMW?
Ahmad
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when
you
see an Indian man driving a BMW?
A car jockey
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when
you
see a Bhai driving a BMW?
A car repossesor

================================================== ======
THREE MEN AND A BAYI
During the colonial days, three friends went together
to apply for a job. The prospective employer was a
cocky and nasty English manager. Ah Chong was the
first to be interviewed.

Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions,
ready..?
Ah Chong: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I poke your left eye with
my finger?
Ah Chong: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I poke the other eye?
Ah Chong: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Manager: Very well, wait outside…Next!
As Ali was going into the room, Ah Chong told his
friend, just answer "partially blind" and "blind" and
you sure pass!

Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions,
ready..?
Ali: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I poke your left …?
Ali: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I poke…?
Ali: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Manager: Very well, wait outside…Next!

Ali came out and told Singh that Ah Chong was right,
just answer "partially blind" and "blind" and you sure
pass! However, the manager suspected something fishy
and decided to change the questions...
Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions,
ready..?
Singh: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I cut off your left ear?
Singh: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I cut off your other ear?
Singh: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Angry manager: Tell me how you'll go blind if I cut
off
your ears?
Singh: If you cut my left ear, my turban will drop one

side and cover my left eye. If you cut off my other
ear,
my whole turban will drop and cover my eyes
completely.


Guess who got the job?

[Linkinfark]

http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/32416/

[WitchKing]

1) Dari bujang -- kahwin No 1 ---- no.2 ----- DLL.
2) Dari pakai moto kap --- kancil -- wira --- Honda ---- seterusnye..
3) Badminton ----- Golf ----
4) Rumah sewa---- rumah murah ---rumah teres --- banglow...
5) Technician ----supervisor ----- engineer --- manager...
6) Tv 14' --- 21" --- 29" ---- Home theather...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
7) Sg Danga --- Tanjung Leman --- Langkawi ---- Hadnyai --- Bangkok.. :blink:

[Linkinfark]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says,
"That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does
she look like?"
The second old guy says,
"Well, she is 27 years-old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says,
"Never mind; let's look for yours."

[Linkinfark]

What do you call a Singh who drinks only soft drinks?
Yeo Hiap Singh

What do you call a Singh who drinks only beer?
Jasbir Singh (Just Beer)

What do you call a Singh who likes to go for a swim at
night?
Kuldip Singh (Cool Dip)

What do you call the only Singh left on earth after a
nuclear holocaust?
Jestwant Singh (Just One)

What do you call a Singh who owns a ship?
Karpal Singh

What do you call a Singh who owns a ship that sank?
No lah, not Titanic Singh. It's Karam Singh

What do you call the Bhai who was sacked from the
national hockey team?
Relax Singh

What do you call a lousy Bhai?
Owtar Singh

What do you a vulgar Singh?
Tiu Niah Singh (Cantonese curse words)

Side tracking a bit here: What does a baby tuna calls
it mother?
Tuna Ma (Cantonese curse words again)

What do you call a Singh who's a three star general?
Sam Lap Singh (Cantonese for 3 Stars)

What do you call the Singh who likes roundabouts?
Pu Singh

What do you call a Singh who's a gangster?
Sam Singh

What do you call a Bhai porn actress?
Hard Kaur (personal favorite)

What do you call a female Bhai security guard?
Securi Kaur

What do you call a Singh who likes to sing?
D.J. Dave!

[Linkinfark]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.


"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"


So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!


As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual Marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.


"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside.
"Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.
"Do you always wear a condom when you run? "


"Nope.........just when it's raining........

[Linkinfark]

THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

[LiLiaN]

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9 . Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[Linkinfark]

For Sila's benefit, Triumph at MJ's trial.
http://gorillamask.net/out.php?gmurl=http://gorillamask.net/murraymonkey.shtml

[WitchKing]

'HIDUP MELAYU GLOCAL!'

Send this posting to 50 people you know, and you will get 10 APs free!!!

Dont send this, and you will get 10 T-shirts with the words "I Love Ayah Pin"!!!

[Voon Chan]

'HIDUP MELAYU GLOCAL!'

Send this posting to 50 people you know, and you will get 10 APs free!!!

Dont send this, and you will get 10 T-shirts with the words "I Love Ayah Pin"!!!I think I will send this & get 10 T-shirts for free:laugh:

Hidup, Witchking!!!!

[WitchKing]

Tan Sri S.M. Nasimuddin is now in New York to discuss a new reality TV show with his friend Donald Trump.

Its going to be called.... 'The A.P.-rentice' :huh:

[Voon Chan]

Tan Sri S.M. Nasimuddin is now in New York to discuss a new reality TV show with his friend Donald Trump.

Its going to be called.... 'The A.P.-rentice' :huh:The goal is to get as many AP as possible?

[WitchKing]

I think I will send this & get 10 T-shirts for free:laugh:

Hidup, Witchking!!!!

For that, i give you 10 life-size replica of my helmet!

[WitchKing]

The goal is to get as many AP as possible?


....no, to make the crocodile lose weight.

[Voon Chan]

....no, to make the crocodile lose weight.:laugh: , croc will lose weight if no AP is issued

[Voon Chan]

For that, i give you 10 life-size replica of my helmet!I hope that the contents is the same too:laugh:
I will give one to James

[arch-an-gel]

Subject: FW: Reasons Why I Never Visit My Rich Friends.....

:laugh: :laugh:

Reasons why I never visit my rich friends

Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....

Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea,
Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino,or Coffee?"

Answer: " Tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea,Bush tea, Honey bush
tea, Iced tea or green tea ?"

Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?

Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, or fresh cream?

Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat's milk, or cow's milk"

Answer: "With cow's milk please.

Question: " Fr eezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: " Um, I'll just take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar?"

Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White, brown or yellow sugar?"

Answer: "Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water, tap water or distilled water? "

Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"

Answer: "I think I'll just die of thirst

[siewjang]

Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients.

He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?"
Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"

The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.

The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."

At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Aiyoh, Ah Seng! Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge again!"

[siewjang]

QUESTION: How do you know frogs are Hokkien?

ANSWER : Because when it's cold, they go "kwah, kwah, kwah".

QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh?

ANSWER: Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)

QUESTION: How do Hokkien fish laugh?

ANSWER : Hu hu hu (hokkien for fish)

[siewjang]

QUESTION : What's the difference between Ang-mor and Hokkien fairy tales?

ANSWER: Ang-mor fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..."

and Hokkien fairy tales begin with "Lim Peh ka li kong..."

[KoChun]

QUESTION : What's the difference between Ang-mor and Hokkien fairy tales?

ANSWER: Ang-mor fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..."

and Hokkien fairy tales begin with "Lim Peh ka li kong..."
And Foochow fairy tales begin with NWS...

[WitchKing]

Did You Know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Hardly seems worth it.)




If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Now that's more like it!)





The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(Wouldn't you want to be a pig in your next life?)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to death. (Creepy.)

(I still cannot get over the pig.)




Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)



The male pray mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")




The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(Still better to be a pig ...quality over quantity)




Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)




Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....................)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)




An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)




Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[dtchieng]

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

Mana ada benda that can emit "BLACK LIGHT"? :blink:

[dtchieng]

Salah Tafsir

Suatu pagi yang indah kat sebuah sekolah rendah, seorang guru yang
begitu dedikasi mengajar anak2 muridnya tentang betapa bahayanya
minuman keras kepada mereka. Sebelum memulakan mata pelajarannya pada hari
itu dia telah mengambil 2 ekor cacing yang hidup, sebagai sampel kehidupan
dan dua gelas minuman yang masing2 berisi dengan air mineral dan arak..

"Cuba perhatikan murid2.. lihat bagaimana saya akan memasukkan cacing ini
kedalam gelas, perhatikan betul2. Cacing yang sebelah kanan saya, akan saya
masukkan ke dalam air mineral manakala cacing yang sebelah kiri saya akan
masukkan ke dalam arak. Perhatikan betul2."

Semua mata tertumpu pada kedua2 ekor cacing itu.

Seperti dijangkakan, cacing yang berada dalam gelas yang berisi air mineral
itu berenang2 di dasar gelas, manakala cacing yang berada di dalam arak
menggeletek lalu mati. Si cikgu tersenyum lebar, apabila melihat anak2
muridnya memberikan sepenuh tumpuan pada ujikajinya.

"Baiklah murid2, apa yang kamu dapat belajar dari ujikaji yang cikgu
tunjukkan sebentar tadi??"

Dengan penuh yakin anak2 muridnya menjawab,

UNTUK MENGELAKKAN KECACINGAN...MINUMLAH ARAK...

[Linkinfark]

1. Watch yourself eating in front of a mirror. If you're put off, that's the view your future partner will have...

2. Live on your own. It's important that you find out what a hopeless slob you are before your beloved tells you. And then leaves you...

3. Go out with your friends for a "quick drink" and stagger home three days later...

4. Have a holiday romance with someone who doesn't speak a word of English. Who needs conversation?

5. Women: Take the soft toys off your bed. Nothing turns a man off more than performing in front of an audience of beady-eyed teddies...

6. Men: Get rid of those "How to Get Girls Even Though You're Poor and Ugly' books. They never work anyway...

7. Gobble the last slice of pizza without having to go through the 'No you have it, no really... Are you sure you don't mind...?

8. Walk about the house naked, without having to hold any bits in...

9. Have friends of the opposite sex. After marriage, it's too much effort to keep saying: "No, I really don't fancy them"...

10. Men: Enjoy that wardrobe space while you can! You will not believe the vast number of shoes that one woman needs...

11. Women: Fill in silly magazine quizzes with titles like 'Are You Seductive', without having to listen to loud laughter from your partner (who then runs off with the magazine)...

12. Men: Get rid of anything inflatable and female-shaped...

13. Relish clipping your toenails straight onto the carpet...

14. Remember that your best option with in-laws is to marry an orphan...

[athena]

haha...i like option no.14....

[WitchKing]

NOTIS PENTING

Semua mesin ATM di seluruh negara akan di bekukan buat sementara waktu
berkuatkuasa serta-merta, ini adalah disebabkan oleh bapa kepada Nombor Pin
iaitu Ayah Pin telah melarikan diri.

Sekian Terima Kasih.

[KoChun]

Alamak, nasib baik masih ada buku akaun.

Good one, Naz.

[athena]

An elderly retired Ahpek in Kedah owned a large farm for several years.

He got this large pond in the back of his houz, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, badminton court, playground, jambu trees and lambutans trees.. The pond was purposely built for swimming, in other words its a natural swimming pool la.

Anden one petang Ahpek decided to go down to the pond behind lia mia lumah to pick some lambutans and jambu for his bini, bcoz he also long time no go there edi he thinks there must be alot of fruits to bring back one la, so he grabbed a big bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, Ahpek heard voices of young pompwans shouting and laughing and water splashing. So Ahpek very kancheong he then creep like a stealthty ninja move slowly towards the pond to peek at the girls. Skali he saw about 6 lenglui mandi bogel - Skinny Dipping in his pond ... wah lau eh ... Ahpek this time no nid VIAGRA also engine can start!


Mana tau, Ahpek over SEXcited and ter-kicked his bucket and that gives him away to the girls. The girls all rush into the pond like Hippo lidat and one of the Ahlian told Ahpek "Oi hamsup Ahpek! lu apasel intai kite olangs? kite dunwan come out if u dont leave!!"

Dissapointed Ahpek walk out of the bush hes hidding in and said "Lengluis, why lar u curi curi goan swim in my pond ?"

Ahlian : Why knot ka ? even if its lu mia pond also, you knot intai us lidat mah! worst worst u can halau us only! where can intai us mandi bogel lidat?!

*Ahpek mia brain pusing manyak laju now to think of a way so he can see those naked chun body again*

Ahpek : Actulee, I not come here to intai u all one la ....

*He then hold up the bucket he bawak with him to show it to those Ahlians, he points to the bucket and said*

Ahpek : I come here to feed my BUAYAs in the pond lar!!

[Linkinfark]

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired
a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch
and report any activities that might develop. A few days
later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

fall out of tree, not see.

......NO FEE.

[Linkinfark]

Famous Quotes

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
Lynn Lavender


"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
Matt Barry


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with rope."
Camille Paglia


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone


"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)


"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it, so I said"Thyroid problem?'"
Arnold Schwarzenegger


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)


"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams


"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
Jerry Seinfeld


"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

[Linkinfark]

Good - Bad - Worse.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.

[WitchKing]

Saw this in Computimes...

A young and eager Jedi apprentice was starting his first litesaber lesson with no less than Master Yoda. He immediateLY followed instructions when Yoda said

'Point lightsaber at your own face.'

As luck would have it the litesabre ignited blowing the apprentice's face into a million particles. Before he became 'one with the Force' (in the idiot group corner), the last think he heard was Master Yoda saying

'..........you must not'.

<cue Star Wars theme> JENG JENG JENGGG JENGGGG, TENG TENG TENG TENGGGG TENGGG, JENG JENG JENG JENGGGG, TENG TENG TENG JENGGGGG!!!!

[WitchKing]

My audit manager complained to us just now that his back aches after sitting down in front of the PC nowadays. Yesterday being Malam Jumaat, we 'kena'-kan him that maybe it was because of his 'session' last nite and that he shouldn't be overexerting himself at his age. My manager replied 'You young ones dont realise that us old folks give better quality AND quantity when it comes to that on Malam Jumaats...we get BETTER with age'

I asked, 'Oh really En Anuar, and how do you figure that? :laugh: '

He casually replied, 'My wife burps.....'


:sick: :crying: :amazed:

[siewjang]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom and
stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him.She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad
news." "The good news is you're! being discharged because since you were
able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses".

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead".

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry".


wahhaaaaaaaa....hahah...
> >> >
>

[Voon Chan]

My audit manager complained to us just now that his back aches after sitting down in front of the PC nowadays. Yesterday being Malam Jumaat, we 'kena'-kan him that maybe it was because of his 'session' last nite and that he shouldn't be overexerting himself at his age. My manager replied 'You young ones dont realise that us old folks give better quality AND quantity when it comes to that on Malam Jumaats...we get BETTER with age'

I asked, 'Oh really En Anuar, and how do you figure that?

He casually replied, 'My wife burps.....'


:sick: :crying: :amazed:Naz, care to explain why she burp. :amused:

[athena]

I asked, 'Oh really En Anuar, and how do you figure that? :laugh: '

He casually replied, 'My wife burps.....'


http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/happy/yelrotflmao.gif http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/happy/lol2.gif

That was a dem good one la!!!

[Linkinfark]

To all you OWLS
(Older Wiser Laughing Souls)

Wisdom from Grandpa .......
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot
on the kind of chick he marries.


Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets
so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better,
or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one;
but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,
she will never turn into an old nag.

A foolish husband says to his wife,
"Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'.
No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is
kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man -
he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health,
and he's already used to taking orders.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth...
Remember about Algebra.

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is
that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable..

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald,
they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.


Have a GREAT day....... and keep Laughing.

[Linkinfark]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.





Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.





How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?


A good friend will come to bail you out of jail...but, a true friend
will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"





I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!


When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky
dunk."





Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!





Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can
in prison?


Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.



Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed in a federal building?


AND


I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the
end, the faster it goes.

[Linkinfark]

Naz, care to explain why she burp. :amused:

Voon Chan, I think you better ask Athena to explain, she seems to kow something about this burping.. hmmm.... :D

[athena]

Voon Chan, I think you better ask Athena to explain, she seems to kow something about this burping.. hmmm.... :D
hey, why me??? :squeeze:

[Linkinfark]

hey, why me??? :squeeze:

http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/happy/yelrotflmao.gif http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/happy/lol2.gif

That was a dem good one la!!!

:p

[Voon Chan]

One of you, please tell me what is going on

[athena]

:p
dun wanna fren u!! :p

[Linkinfark]

dun wanna fren u!! :p
:crying:

[Linkinfark]

One of you, please tell me what is going on

Different people might have different perception to that, best to hear it from the witchking's mouth.. ;)

[athena]

:crying:
eesh..'lam yan lou kou' why cry?

hanoh hanoh..fren u back la....no more tears ok?
http://www.brandmalaysia.com/movabletype/archives/deconstructing.jpg

[WitchKing]

One of you, please tell me what is going on

My dear dear friend, if you are really really (still dont believe he din get it) not the understanding the joke, might I most humbly suggest re-reading it ever so slowly and let the Farce,..i mean Force guide your funnybone and otak kuning midichlorian cells ....

[Voon Chan]

My dear dear friend, if you are really really (still dont believe he din get it) not the understanding the joke, might I most humbly suggest re-reading it ever so slowly and let the Farce,..i mean Force guide your funnybone and otak kuning midichlorian cells ....Wahai saudara-saudari sekelian!

Tak paham?

[Linkinfark]

eesh..'lam yan lou kou' why cry?

hanoh hanoh..fren u back la....no more tears ok?
http://www.brandmalaysia.com/movabletype/archives/deconstructing.jpg

Yayyy!! Sammi fren back with me liao... :eek:
Ok, I want one dozen of those APs...shampoo.. :D

[WitchKing]

Wahai saudara-saudari sekelian!

Tak paham?

Adooiii..ni yang buat susah niii.....you onli 'burp' when u r full, can you fill in the blanks now?! :wacko:

[Voon Chan]

Adooiii..ni yang buat susah niii.....you onli 'burp' when u r full, can you fill in the blanks now?! :wacko:sudah makan ke? lepas:p

[Voon Chan]

Yayyy!! Sammi fren back with me liao... :eek:
Ok, I want one dozen of those APs...shampoo.. :Dsammi?

[WitchKing]

sudah makan ke? lepas:p

HE PUMPED HER FULL OF IT!! DO YOU GETTIT NOW???!!!!
Would u like a diagram to go wit dat?

[Voon Chan]

HE PUMPED HER FULL OF IT!! DO YOU GETTIT NOW???!!!!
Would u like a diagram to go wit dat?DAPAT! DAPAT!
Got diagram better:)

[Linkinfark]

sammi?

Refer Meet Lilian Photo thread.. if it's still there..

[WitchKing]

DAPAT! DAPAT!
Got diagram better:)

....this has got to be the only joke that needs to come with appendices. :p

[Voon Chan]

Refer Meet Lilian Photo thread.. if it's still there..that one

[Voon Chan]

....this has got to be the only joke that needs to come with appendices. :pthanks

[Linkinfark]

HE PUMPED HER FULL OF IT!! DO YOU GETTIT NOW???!!!!
Would u like a diagram to go wit dat?

Pumped where?!

[Voon Chan]

Pumped where?!:laugh:

[WitchKing]

Pumped where?!

EVERYWHERE!! Turns out this old man is a MANIAC!

[LiLiaN]

*ehem* this is a joke thread, macam mana jadi chit chat thread..?

[Linkinfark]

EVERYWHERE!! Turns out this old man is a MANIAC!

BUKAKE! Wah lau eh.. ganas.. :p

[WitchKing]

BUKAKE! Wah lau eh.. ganas.. :p
We better revert back to joke postingmode, Admin sudah sound lee.

[WitchKing]

Ayah PIN, ketua ajararan sesat Sky Kingdom, telah ditemui di TamPIN dengan hanya memakai kain lamPIN yang disemat dengan safety PIN. Masa tuu dia sedang ligat joget zaPIN.

[WitchKing]

Masyarakat India di Malaysia tak dapat apa2 AP. Jadi MIC terpaksa keluarkan kereta sendiri. Ia dari gabungan keteguhan SAVVY dan kecantikan MyVi dan dinamakan...





.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
SAMY-V. :blink:

[Voon Chan]

Ayah PIN, ketua ajararan sesat Sky Kingdom, telah ditemui di TamPIN dengan hanya memakai kain lamPIN yang disemat dengan safety PIN. Masa tuu dia sedang ligat joget zaPIN.LamPIN jatuh. Ayah PIN tarik samPIN. Kopral Boon-PIN bawa AyahPIN masuk lokap di TamPIN.

[athena]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v230/lilwan/pic09503.jpg

[Linkinfark]

FOUND ON REAL HEADSTONES


Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

******************************

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

******************************

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

****************************

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

******************************

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.

******************************

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake

******************************

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

******************************

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

*****************************

John Penny's epitaph in Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

*****************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

*****************************

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

******************************

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God

*****************************

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

******************************

Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More

. ******************************

In a cemetery in England:

Let your wind blow free

Where ever you be
Cause holding it back
Is what killed me.

[Linkinfark]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v627/linkinfark/ultrapin.jpg

[Linkinfark]

Rafidah Aziz was very angry and stormed out from her birthday party because all the guest kept saying
AP Birthday to you
AP Birthday to you.. :eek:

[Linkinfark]

A women's prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.

Please no age spots, please no grey
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.



Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

[KoChun]

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b240/KoChun/fatwomandog.jpg

[ahbau]

A Husband and Wife were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that
was
born to them. Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up
the
editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud
owner of
a twelve pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing the seemingly
extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value.
So
he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown.
When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at
home.
The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter
and
Mrs. Brown:
Reporter : Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs. Brown : Oh! Yes.
Reporter : Is he in?
Mrs. Brown : Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter : Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : (Seeing the joke) Yes,indeed.
Reporter : Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown : I am afraid not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it
is
strictly private.
Reporter : Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown : No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter : How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown : Just for about ten months.
Reporter : Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown : Quite so...
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown : Not yet, but he is coming near...
Reporter : At about what time does Mr. Brown start to dig?
Mrs. Brown : Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter : Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown : You bet...........and how he perspires.
Reporter : Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown : He thought he was...
Reporter : How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown : I am in a good position to say so,because I own the place.
Reporter : Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr.Brown?
Mrs. Brown : No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the
site,
with my consent.
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, I work under him...
Reporter : When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown : I think not because he enjoys working on it.
Reporter : Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby
boy).

P.S.: The reporter had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

[Lava Gal]

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b240/KoChun/fatwomandog.jpg
woooopppsss....now tat aint pretty! :eek:

[Linkinfark]

These are surely statements to live by !!


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your underwear .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo
can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

[Linkinfark]

Friendship among women:

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her
husband she slept over at a friend's house.

The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.

Friendship among men:

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife he
slept over at a friend's house.

The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them say he
did sleep over and two claim he's still there.


Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
>enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
> (Hardly seems worth it.)
>
>
>
> If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
>produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
> (Now that's more like it!)
>
>
>
> The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
>squirt blood 30 feet.
> (O.M.G.!)
>
>
>
> A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
> (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
>
>
>
> A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
>death. (Creepy.)
> (I'm still not over the pig.)
>
>
>
> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
> (Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
>
>
>
> The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
>its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
>
> ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
>
>
>
> The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
>jumping the length of a football field.
>
> (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
>
>
>
> The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
> (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
>
>
>
> Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
> (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
>
>
>
> Butterflies taste with their feet.
> (Something I always wanted to know.)
>
>
>
> The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
> (Hmmmmmm.....)
>
>
>
> Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
>people.
> (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
>
>
>
> Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
> (okay, so that would be a good thing)
>
>
>
> A cat's urine glows under a black light.
> (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
>
>
>
> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> (I know some people like that.)
>
>
>
> Starfish have no brains
> (I know some people like that too.)
>
>
>
> Polar bears are left-handed.
> (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
>
>
>
> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
> (What about that pig??)
>
>

[WitchKing]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/nazlan/titanic.jpg

[LiLiaN]

LMAO Naz... :laugh:

[LiLiaN]

now, this is a real joke...! oh, c'mon, it's from the onion, what d'ya expect..? :p

Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit To Wife's Vagina (http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4133)

[Linkinfark]

http://user.chollian.net/~sconet21/flash/superman.swf

[WitchKing]

..Patutlaa tak dapat tangkap

Before plastic surgery:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/nazlan/AyahPins.jpg

.... after plastic surgery....

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/nazlan/newayahpin.jpg

dahsyatnyeeerrrrr....

[athena]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v230/lilwan/mushroom.jpg

[Odysseus]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v230/lilwan/mushroom.jpg
She is starving :crying:

[Linkinfark]

> > >Subject: FW: Euro English
> > >
> > >
> > >The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English
> > >will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German,
>which
> > >was the other possibility.
> > >
> > >As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
>English
> > >spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year
>phase-in
> > >plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
> > >
> > >In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will
>make
> > >the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
>favour
> > >of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one
less
> > >letter.
> > >There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when
the
> > >troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
like
> > >fotograf 20% shorter.
> > >
> > >In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expected
>to
> > >reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
>Governments
> > >will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben
a
> > >deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl
mes of
>the
> > >silent "e" in the language is disgrasful and it should go away.
> > >
> > >By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th"
>with
> > >"z" and "w" with "v".
> > >
> > >During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining
> > >"ou"
> > >and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer
vil
>be
> > >no
> > >mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand
ech
>oza.
> > >Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
> > >
> > >Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
in
>ze
> > >forst plas!
> > >
> > >
>
>
>
>
>

[Linkinfark]

Do you know the difference between "guts" and "balls"?
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say,

"You're next."

[Linkinfark]

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy .
... you just hoped nobody ever found out!

[Linkinfark]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v627/linkinfark/pic12319.jpg

[athena]

A China pumpkin girl was visiting New York, went into a worldwide
message center wanting to send an urgent, important message to her
mother in China. The Italian guy at the counter told her it would
cost around US$100/=.
She exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money, but I will do
anything to get a message to my mother in China!"
The Italian smiled, arched an eyebrow and asked, "Anything?"
"Yes,I promise...anything!" she said.
With that, the Italian said, "Follow me."
He led her to the next room and said, "Come in and close the
door."
"Get down on your knees!" he ordered. She did.

"Unzip me!" he said. She did.
Then he said, "Go on...take it out."
She did and grabbed it with both hands excitedly.
The Italian closed his eyes and & whispered,
"Go ahead girl, what are you waiting for?"
Ms China pumpkin girl slowly brought her lips closer and said
loudly,
"Hello....hello Ah Mah!!!..can you hear me?"

[h2o]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
The hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

[Lava Gal]

good jokes, gals... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Linkinfark]

http://www.jokaroo.com/funnyvideos/thenutbra.html

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life...

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.
He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

[Linkinfark]

This Deserves an A+........................................


A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few
words as possible.

The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following
three things - - - (1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery.

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Below is the A+ short
story.

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."

Heineken Matrix Adv

VOLUME 1 -
http://www.myplay.com.tw/users/36/a9/funnychan/dv/5743/5743.swf
VOLUME 2 -
http://www.myplay.com.tw/users/36/a9/funnychan/dv/5965/5965.swf

[Linkinfark]

GAMES TO PLAY WHEN WE ARE OLDER:

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2 You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
! 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend!
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing , I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place! When I was young we used to go "skinny
dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he
said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember !
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable,
And Always Close To Your Heart

[Chris C]

But Most Of All, Remember !
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable,
And Always Close To Your Heart

I like this one the most.... :D

[KoChun]

"I think I have a problem, Doc." says the patient, "One of my balls
has turned blue."

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient will
die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?" bursts the patient, "How could I let you do such
a thing to me!"

"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, and the patient
has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, he comes back. "Doc, I don't know how
to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."

Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle
must be cut off, too, and, again, the man is very reluctant to the
idea.

"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doc, and the patient has to agree
with the operation. But, about two weeks after he is testicleless,
he returns to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me.
My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news:
if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he does not
want to hear about it.

"You want to die?" asks the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So,

he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the
unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor's office. He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"

"What?"

"Can you tell me what the hell is happening!?"

So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm,
I don't know, could it be the jeans?"

[athena]

Hello Folks....I'm sure this has never happened to any males that you know...

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed.....
>> > P...
>> > E...
>> > N....
>> > I...
>> > S.

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[h2o]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone."


"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"


His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a
headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It
worked! The headaches are all gone."


The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."


His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.


Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts
her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."


He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"


The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."


He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.


Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."


With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying,


"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"





His funeral services will be held on Monday.

[amelia7]

:laugh: :laugh:
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone."


"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"


His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a
headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It
worked! The headaches are all gone."


The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."


His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.


Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts
her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."


He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"


The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."


He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.


Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."


With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying,


"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"





His funeral services will be held on Monday.

[athena]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

[KoChun]

This is just for some laughters. Read this many years ago, still think it's fun to share here.

If anyone finds this offensive, please tell me and I will delete. Okay?

The Story of Ah Singh. 阿 星 的 故 事

1. A Singh who is a sailor?
- Karpal Singh

2. A Singh who attends Chinese wedding party?
- Yam Singh

3. A Singh who is digging a hole?
- Menggali Singh

4. A Singh who likes to slap people?
- Tau Pa Singh

5. A Singh who is a gangster?
- SamSingh

6. A Singh who is lost?
- MisSingh

7. A Singh who likes herbs?
- Gin Singh

8. A Singh who kills people?
- AssasSingh

9. A Singh with one ball?
- BalwantSingh (ball one Singh)

10. A Singh with two balls?
- BalanSingh (as in balancing)

11. A Singh with three balls?
- Amazing!!!!!

12. A Singh who is noisy?
- BisSingh

13. A Singh who is swimming in an iced pool?
- KuldipSingh (cold deep sink)

14. A Singh who likes to drink soyabean milk?
- YeoHiapSingh

15. A Singh who owns a ship that sank?
- No lah, not Titanic Singh. He's Karam Singh.

16. A Singh who was sacked from the national team?
- Relax Singh

17. A Singh who is a lousy Singh?
- OwtarSingh

18. A Singh who likes roundabout?
- PuSingh

19. A Singh who is flying around on a broom?
- Sou Pah Singh

20. A Singh who is a three-star general?
- Sam Lup Singh

21. If the Sikhs were to succeed to form their own country, what will they call their currency?
- Mata Wang Ah Singh

22. What do you call a Singh who likes to scold people?
- TiuNiaSingh

[Zazu]

http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/happy/yelrotflmao.gif

[Odysseus]

Pregnant blonde


My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the
other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping
for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and
down
along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up

and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and
kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be
happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean
'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to
have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant,
I Asked her how she knew. She said,

(You're going to love this!)




"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the
twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

[Zazu]

Pregnant blonde


My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the
other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping
for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and
down
along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up

and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and
kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be
happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean
'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to
have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant,
I Asked her how she knew. She said,

(You're going to love this!)




"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the
twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"



didn't know your wife is blond.... original or celup??? :p

[Lava Gal]

This is just for some laughters. Read this many years ago, still think it's fun to share here.

If anyone finds this offensive, please tell me and I will delete. Okay?

The Story of Ah Singh. 阿 星 的 故 事

1. A Singh who is a sailor?
- Karpal Singh

haha...i came across tat b4 too, KC...
beware ya...if karpal singh sees this, nanti he sue u baru tahu!

[Lava Gal]

didn't know your wife is blond.... original or celup??? :p
semestinye "celup" ;)

[KoChun]

haha...i came across tat b4 too, KC...
beware ya...if karpal singh sees this, nanti he sue u baru tahu!
This world got a lot of Karpal lah. :p

[Odysseus]

didn't know your wife is blond.... original or celup??? :p
Luckily not yet celup la.. :p

[ungsutiong]

......5. A Singh who is a gangster? - SamSingh.....
Who is SamSingh's half Korean brother?
SAMSUNG.

Who is Samsingh's half Thai sister?
Tom Yam Kaur.

Who is Tom Yam Kaur's half American brother?
Tom Cruise Singh.

[Oddfather]

Truth n Falsehood went bathing. Falsehood came out first of de water and dressed herself in Truth's garment. Truth, was furious and refused the wear Falsehood garment and left naked. Now that's what I called Naked truth.

[Lava Gal]

Truth n Falsehood went bathing. Falsehood came out first of de water and dressed herself in Truth's garment. Truth, was furious and refused the wear Falsehood garment and left naked. Now that's what I called Naked truth.
ahhaa....now onli i know wat is NaKeD TRuTH :laugh: :laugh:

[Zazu]

Found this a long time ago.....

The two nuns
Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

Gotcha! And you thought it was dirty.

[Lava Gal]

haha...i lurve sister logical ;)

[WitchKing]

3RD PLACE goes to Hungary

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/nazlan/image001.jpg


2ND PLACE goes to SERBIA

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/nazlan/image002.jpg


1ST PLACE goes to IRELAND!!!! Way to go Lillian!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/nazlan/image003.jpg

[LiLiaN]

hahahaha... good one naz... :laugh:

[KoChun]

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.

http://server3.uploadit.org/files/darryl78-old.jpg

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.

The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered,












The Teeth.

http://server3.uploadit.org/files/darryl78-teeth.jpg

[Linkinfark]

Eight Words with Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;


He said .. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said .. We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every
night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[KoChun]

The Operator received a call from a somewhat irate and very worried Pacific Islander who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance.

The Call went like this:

TELECOM: Welcome to Telecom, how may I help you?

CUSTOMER: I haff a pig problem wif my fone pill. My wife, she think I haffing a cheating

TELECOM: Okay sir, and how can we help you with this?

CUSTOMER: My pill haff all this calling to Salulah and my wife think I haff cheating with this woman but I never heard off her pefore. I need to chase these calls plezz.

TELECOM: Sir, I ' m sorry but the bill won ' t actually tell you the name of the person you ' re calling, just their number.

CUSTOMER: This one izz

TELECOM: What phone do you have sir?

CUSTOMER: A mopile. I tell you this.

TELECOM: No sir, what make? What do you have in your hands (slowly)?

CUSTOMER: An erection

After a moment’s silence, the gallant Telecom working continued:

TELECOM: Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

CUSTOMER: Okay, E. R. I. C. S. S O. N. erection

Another moment ' s silence from the Telecom and suddenly the penny dropped:

TELECOM: Sir? can you spell Salulah for me please?

CUSTOMER: Okay, C. E. L. L. U. L. A. R. Salulah!

The end of the conversation was unfortunately not reported

[vicky boy]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a town house, a beach front villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him............................
"Then you try again" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Linkinfark]

> This is very interesting......
>
> TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS
>
> Question 1:
> If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three
who
> were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
> syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
>
> Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.
>
> Question 2:
> It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here
> are the facts about the three leading candidates.
>
> Candidate A -
> Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
> He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis
> a day.
>
> Candidate B -
> He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
> college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
>
> Candidate C -
> He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks
an
> occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
>
> Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no
peeking,
> then scroll down for the answer.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
> Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
> Candidate C is Adolph Hitler .
>
> And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said
yes, you
> just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person
think
> before judging someone. Never be afraid to try something new.
>
> Remember:
> Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
>

[Linkinfark]

> A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many
years.
> One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become
attracted
> to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they
are to
> engage in any hanky-panky.
>
> The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now
we
> will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the
> watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
>
> The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do
the
> first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.
>
> Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make
a
> fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
>
> They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
> A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone
circle.
> Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
>
> Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
> Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to
patch
> leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no
screwing!"
>
> They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
> Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the
tower
> to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the
wife
> and her new friend are hard at it.
>
> The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up
here
> it DOES look like they're screwing."
>

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress -- sleeveless with
straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a
large, silverback gorilla.
The gorilla jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2
feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The
husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He
suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering
her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got
even more excited making noises that would wake the dead. Then the
husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little
more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,"
he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started
doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door
to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door
shut.
Then he said, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[KoChun]

An man walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up. He gets the man a tall mug of coffee. The man drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out. The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.What was all that about, anyway?" The man smiles and proudly says , " Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

[Odysseus]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test.)

[Lava Gal]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test.)
hahhahahaa.....seems like i should be institutionalized lar wei...how now??

[Odysseus]

hahhahahaa.....seems like i should be institutionalized lar wei...how now??
Go in and do a thorough check up lo....... Then, please come out in one piece ASAP. Else, we will miss u la..

[Lava Gal]

Go in and do a thorough check up lo....... Then, please come out in one piece ASAP. Else, we will miss u la..
:crying: i am touched :cheesy:

[Odysseus]

:crying: i am touched :cheesy:
Forumers care for each other :eek:

[Lava Gal]

Forumers care for each other :eek:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Dino]

Closing thread.